poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Assignment (1 of --)

i wrap my legs around the hourglass
and intimately kiss the present
i have no interest in the
unless i've already changed the past
shooting darts at blue butterflies,
their faces warp into tiny spirals
the basement is filled with
this time, i've found a niche
in the wall where the safe used to be.
i guess that explains the
turning my insides dry
and sandy
so it grinds
there are butterflies in my stomach, but
i've neglected my blue spots
vomiting origami insects wrapped in expensive cloth

13 Aug 09

Rated 10 (8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 6, 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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as I was reading, I began to wonder where this was going but it was good enough to keep my interest until the end and I like it-
 — JKWeb

Very nice could be the lyrics to a John Lennon song. 10
 — frugal

this poem is very good, i think because it is saying interesting things in a interesting way. like image flick, image. downwards we go down the rabbit-hole, into the hole that is your mouth and then projected backwards as flowers screw the sun with a tooth-pick. kudos.
 — DeformedLion

Wow, I'm surprised people actually like this.
 — Aziel

Amor vincit omnia - Love conquers all. (Virgil) -- so does this poement -- very visually visceREAL
 — AlchemiA

Wow!  This is TIGHT!  I like everything about it; the imagery, the word choices, the whole 9, so here's a 10.  It's excellently written.  My favorite lines are:  6-8 & 21.  Work it!  :-)
 — starr

I concur with starr--the imagery in this poem is fabulous, not to mention the line breaks.  Aziel, you have such a unique voice.
 — PaulS

i like the pace of the poem and the images..really nice..
 — brother_sun

'the present' ( yes, i know... but ) the present seems to be the physical hour-glass -- that's the most real reading, and therefore compelling, and that drops the poem in interest. like, if there were another word for 'that which is now' and it'd fit...? now, you might think that's very unpoetic of me, but, really, i'm looking for the poetry inside the ephemeral and not a story.

i can maybe see what you're doing in this, but maybe the individual images need to glow more on their own -- you're spacing them so they're back-lit and hyper-real, but they're still only talking about things as words, and not really showing texture and color.

i wrap around the hourglass,
and kiss its spinny-ing colors,
fly like time --
i don't care for what's
to come along, this is majesty.

which is clunky, but a suggestion of how the poem might look seen upside down?
 — trashpoodle

great great great
 — unknown

 — unknown

a magical write

 — unknown

How dont how this works, but it does.
 — unknown

vomiting origami insects wrapped in expensive cloth
 — Empty

wonderfully magical
 — unknown

Prodigieux, magnifique
 — unknown

on the $. best thing ive come across in weeks.
 — unknown

 — unknown

Imagery was fantastic. What a great poem. Last line was my favorite.
 — dismantleme

This is difficult for me to read, I feel like its strongly metaphorical but hard to translate to the actual.  You have good use of line breaks and there's some neat places for repeats, but at the end, I didn't exceptionally enjoy the read or relate to this.

I think 1-2 is your strongest bit, but 3-5 takes me back out and the rest is just sort of jumping around.
 — technomancer

The first two lines painted a pretty nice image.

The rest is not. and lol at the end. Maybe there is something I'm missing or maybe I need a dose of what you were on...
 — aliar

 — unknown

just too great for another read or more. just for tonight this will help me sleep well. tnx :)
 — softyetharsh

You're the greteast! JMHO
 — unknown

6v42Lt  aodbsvqzylcp
 — unknown

  cialis =-PP ultram eyktj
 — unknown

Not sure I understand it, but it certainly sounds pretty!!

 — Anita35

I like the poem...the last line about the origami insects throws me off a little though.  I consider the poem great until that line.  I don't quite get the analogy unless you are saying that the origami is something that you fashion as you (the narrator) have fashioned yourself.  Do I get it?
 — CaseyPowers

  tramadol 004383 cialis :[
 — unknown