| The Demise of Rapha
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JKWeb
| dragging | 1 |
nearly spent on dead legs | 2 |
going hushed through the woodland | 3 |
trees creaking in the breeze | 4 |
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stifling heat | 5 |
pressed his fading energy | 6 |
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his bones | 7 |
heavy in his skin | 8 |
open wounds tapped by gravity | 9 |
and red streaks followed his footsteps | 10 |
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shade played tricks | 11 |
with phantom-formed shadows | 12 |
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death awoke | 13 |
and stood within | 14 |
nature's white smoke | 15 |
unzipped a blood-soaked | 16 |
corpse cover | 17 |
and Rapha slid in | 18 |
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eyes closed | 19 |
slowly eased | 20 |
from his body | 21 |
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he rose above the trees | 22 |
and looked below | 23 |
as cherry-colored birds | 24 |
flew from their perch | 25 |
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he hovered above the earth | 26 |
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and when the sun set | 27 |
he fell asleep forever | 28 |
on the hidden side of the moon | 29 |
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18 Aug 09 |
Rated 8.3 (8.4) by 19 users.
Active (19): 1, 1, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (8): 3, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(42 more poems by this author)
(7 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
you've got quite a bit of motifs interlaced through your work, JK. i love it when poets do that. for instance, why do i get the feeling that the very last line is strangely connected to Inflicted Bloodmaker?
you're writing poetry when using its definition of layers. keep doing that. connecting your work without connecting them. or ... well.
regardless, a good piece. worth reading more than once. another trademark of poetry.
— listen
Loved it. Really gorgeous writing.
— Amaranth
Cool! I like it this time. 9
— BxPR
listen-
thank you for your kind words
much gratitude
— JKWeb
Amaranth-
I'm glad you dig it
cool username by the way..
— JKWeb
and by the way, thanks Amaranth
— JKWeb
BxPR-
thanks
I'm glad you like the revamped version
— JKWeb
Very much so. In fact on a second read I like it more so accordingly 10
— BxPR
And thanks again
BxPR
— JKWeb
this is nice and smooth, JK ! i am amazed once again by your gift of prose!
— unknown
Thank you unknown-
I'm glad you like it but must admit
I'm a bit confused about you mentioning 'prose'
but again, much gratitude...
— JKWeb
Well done!
— dwaynee
Thanks dwaynee-
I appreciate you reading and commenting
— JKWeb
this is beautiful..i wish i had written it..lol
— brother_sun
thanks brother_sun
that's quite a compliment
I'm glad you lie it...
— JKWeb
* like
— JKWeb
I might be wrong but I believe the word Rapha refers to the Old Testament lexicon "ghosts of the dead." I like this very much, JK--you have a very distinctive voice.
— PaulS
PaulS-
I got the name from a "cool names" web site and I liked it but
wasn't entirely sure of the meaning
you're definition seems to fit
thanks...much gratitude
— JKWeb
*your
— JKWeb
JKWeb -- colourful dis-incarnation while birds fly as souls leave their nest for the dark-side of the mOON -- nicely writ
— AlchemiA
Death awoke and stood within nature's white smoke.... excellent... and how can I follow Al's comment here?... j.g. smiles, as cherry-colored birds flew from their perch...
— goeszon
Thanks Virgil for the fave..
— JKWeb
AlchemiA-
thanks for the fave and
the cool poetic comment
you could definately create poems from your comments..
— JKWeb
J.G. goesZEN-
thanks for reading and commenting
much appreciated..
— JKWeb
L7-10--my favorite lines in this piece. I like the other-world quality that emanates from this write. Nice form and line breaks. Creative with a topic that can easily fall into cliche.
— sybarite
Oh--and a well deserved number one placement!
— sybarite
thank you sybarite-
I really appreciate
you reading and commenting
much gratitude
— JKWeb
Too tactile and visual fo rmy tastes, but obviously a crafted poem in the sense of attempts to be descriptive, and of a well beloved tennis players no doubt.
— Eloha
Aloha Eloha-
Isn't being visual and tactile part of what writing is all about?
anyway, thanks for reading and commenting...
— JKWeb
a purple star in a field of dandies.
i have a ?/ though- "open wounds tapped by gravity" please help me to
understand what it is you are conveying. trapped may not be the word
you want in this place (?) maybe there is a word that could be better
suited? if it is trapped in gravity, then it is held in suspension? if it is forced
by gravity then it is not trapped? especially since the next line is; "and red streaks followed his footsteps" thus meaning there is not trapping. ? just a thought. Unless
it is you mean trapped in it's own atmosphere, but then still the second line does not work.
!!!Either way this is a poignant writing.
— Liliana
Liliana-
thank you for reading and commenting-
if you notice, it isn't 'trapped' ... it's 'tapped'
like draining...
at least that what I was going for
much gratitude...
— JKWeb
Oh well - then that does change things, hahah so silly of me, i must get my eyes
examined, carry on.
— Liliana
I think this would have more impact and immediacy if in the 1st person.
— turboswami
turboswami-
I prefer to write in first person however-
I felt in this case that because the character perished, it needed to be written as is. Either way, thanks for reading and commenting.
— JKWeb
Much cliche'd:
"slow and steady"
"silently through the forest"
"sweet as honey"
God, the cliche's never end.
— cechaffin
any others cechaffin
so I can fix 'em?
suggestions please...
— JKWeb
made changes, better?
— JKWeb
Okay, after one more long, slow read, I find that I love this. I have been trying to read with illusional punctuation but this is about breathing in short, gaspy breaths, not slow measures.
Is this another war poem? It could be any war, Civil War, Bosnia, Iraq, Viet Nam..
— Isabelle5
cechafin, life is very much filled with cliches, every minute of every day, every birth, every death, all cliche. We write what we know.
— Isabelle5
I think that what messed me up about this is the title - perpetual means something that keeps happening forever. It isn't really accurate, unless this is some Greek myth that I am not familiar with. There must be another word to substitute for perpetual that would make more sense.
You could just use forever in line 28...he fell asleep forever. Not sure what you can do with the title but if you think of the Kennedy Perpetual flame, see what I mean? Dying is not something that keeps happening, it's a once and done deal.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle-
Thanks for reading, comments, suggestions
funny you should mention the war theme...that's what it originally had but was writ with some problems so I revised. I had 'forever' there originally but changed it. I see what you mean so I changed back and also changed the title....better?
mucho gratitude...
— JKWeb
I like the changes. Very lovely, gentle writing.
— Isabelle5
keep reading this one.
and ya, tapped sounds much better
— Liliana
JKWeb, you've made a fine poem -- watch out for the ignorati and their disdain claim of cliche' -- they'll maim you on the sharp edge of their little-rat-eye glance (literati) while making no real crit of it just to shake you up about it -- 'tis the arrogance of ignorance and this our hearts do know, that discriminating wisdom always shows the cracks in the poem, where the light would want to go --
— AlchemiA
thanks Isabelle
for re-visiting and suggestions
— JKWeb
Liliana
thank you again
I appreciate you reading once more
— JKWeb
AlchemiA-
thanks for re-visiting
I appreciate your comments that are always cool to read
much gratitude..
— JKWeb
good images, don't like the rhymes
— Salamander
Salamander-
It's fine that you don't like the rhymes
though I'm glad you like the imagery
cool username btw
thanks
— JKWeb
The tropes are uneven, the death uneventful, the ending unsatisfying.
— cechaffin
Does anyone know who the nasty newbie is? Cechaffin
— unknown
he rose above the trees 22
and looked below 23
as cherry-colored birds 24
flew from their perch 25
he hovered above the earth 26
and when the sun set 27
he fell asleep forever 28
on the hidden side of the moon
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL
and i love the cherry colored birds, can you eat em?
— unknown
cechaffin-
if you say so...
— JKWeb
unknown #1-
good question...
I like your 'nasty newbie' comment
made me laugh
thanks !
— JKWeb
unknown #2-
thanks for reading
and for the nice comment
I wouldn't recommend eating the cherry colored birds !
— JKWeb
great story j,
i enjoyed it very much,
i love the unfolding of it. it does read more storylike, but that is ok.
still, i do think there are many areas that could be tightened, and it's
mainly just plain language. not really changing the poem at all, just maybe omitting some things like 'nearly spent' 'going hushed' 'fading energy' ...you can make simple changes to better your poem without changing the content at all. working on visuals for 'visuals' then realising there is no need for lines like 'his bones 'felt' heavy' this is speculation, kind of like what i've said before.
you could omit 'and' in L10.
this is ONLY an example of what i mean:
he hushed his (dead) legs (dead is almost too much to give away)
as they creaked in the breeze-
the woodland heat
sinking heavy in his bones
nice job!
— jenakajoffer
thanks jen-
for having a look at this one..
I will have to give some thought
to your suggestions and crit--
you have an exceptional eye for these things...
gratitude
— JKWeb
aweeeeeesommmmmmeeeee
— unknown
Still love this. Every time I see the title, though, I get sad since my man baby's name is Rafael and I call him Rafa!
— Isabelle5
unknown-
Thanks for reading and nice short comment.
— JKWeb
Isabelle-
Thanks for re-visiting. The good news is that the spelling is different.
— JKWeb
Ah cherry colored birds!
— ghost
ghost-
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Much appreciated.
— JKWeb
i like this one a lot........taking one from death into the afterlife, from walking toward death to rising above it........a perfectly natural progression and great images to support your ideas.
— Tandisol
Tandisol-
Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like it.
— JKWeb
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