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Chains, Clocks, and Glocks
cubbzor

The faces on the television
 1
stutter street-cred,
 2
even though adversity
 3
has never met these men.
 4
 
 
Don't talk to me 'bout ghetto.
 5
don't utter poverty,
 6
when you're living in the light
 7
owning summer property
 8
 
 
Chains, clocks and glocks
 9
hang from their necks.
 10
Diamonds dangle
 11
further perpetuating wreck.
 12
 
 
Don't talk to me 'bout ghetto
 13
don't utter poverty,
 14
when you're staring at your kids
 15
examining commodity.
 16
 
 
The rapper needs some stock,
 17
he's gotta get some bills,
 18
he stands in front of the camera,
 19
waving, smiling
 20
for the thrills.
 21
 
 
Even if
 22
it kills
 23
 
 
us.
 24

22 Aug 09

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (3): 8, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(64 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

who really cares if you watch t.v.? not me. who really knows if you know more than 'x men'. not them. and, when you're finished blowing off steam, where's the air left to breathe? why should i read what's casually written, when there's so much about you to look at, standing here, in your pajamas, with your pooh bear?
 — trashpoodle

I like the idea of this-
not a huge nit but 'your' should be 'you're' lines 7 & 15
I think lines 17-21 could be reworked a bit as the poem has a good flow until then
maybe 'the rapper needs some stock/ and bills/ he stands in front of the camera/ smiles for the thrill/  even if it kills'
something to that effect
of course it's always up to the author
      
 — JKWeb

I made the changes in L7 and L15, I reworked 17-21 a bit, how does that look?
 — cubbzor

I'd break last line into two.

the word "us" needs its own line.
 — unknown

I like the changes made-
and I agree with unknown after a second read

or you could just omit 'us' altogether..maybe?
 — JKWeb

I split the last line, not sure how it looks
 — cubbzor

based off the rhythm, i would delete "us" at the end. the way you split up the end seems to read perfectly, with the us being a short stop. which is okay ... but, it seems smoother deleting us, almost making the last two stanzas spiral down, promoting the theme of chaos.

great work, otherwise. i like the rhyme scheme here. works well.
 — listen

just saw that JK already suggested removing us.

what do you think, Cubbzor?
 — listen

If you're attached to "us", you might try it on its own to give the reader a pause and allowing space for the double meaning to develop.
 — Cocoa

When I read it I always pause before saying "us", so I decided to give it its own line. How does that look? Thank you Listen and Cocoa for the advice, I greatly appreciate it.
 — cubbzor

maybe give us its own stanza. bring the pause to its full potential.
 — listen

I like that idea alot, how does it look now?
 — cubbzor

it looks great. i originally read us by itself, but it needed the isolation.
 — listen

Cub-
I agree with listen
though it's no Jenga Stax
but it's close... ;)
 — JKWeb

Haha, I'm glad you liked it so much. Thank you for your continued support Web and Listen
 — cubbzor

i laughed at the title hah, Glocks.

i liked 11th hour. nice- bit long winded needs a shave and
a haircut, but i think it is the one, yep 11th hour is good.
 — Liliana

what would you recommend shaving off?
 — cubbzor

everything but the title! YAHK
 — unknown

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