poetry critical

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hello, i am bill
DeformedLion

after tucking in my junk
 1
i looked in the mirror and
 2
saw too much light,
 3
i'd fuck me,
 4
sure, but then its all like:
 5
"let's do the fandango"
 6
fun-der bolts of lightning
 7
blah-blah, anal sex is
 8
frightening... sure freddy
 9
would say to you:
 10
iz stooped up a ham-sta
 11
ins my co-co shoonell.
 12
 
 
and you'd be like: "ewww".
 13
you'd be right, the rings
 14
of destiny sure say nothing
 15
'bout no freaky-deaky shit.
 16
 
 
its more like the ribald of it,
 17
you know? with the camel toe
 18
and spandex, the butter lips,
 19
the mouth froth of too much
 20
blow.
 21
 
 
so like me. i am bill.
 22
i tuck in my junk.
 23

27 Aug 09

Rated 8 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (1): 6, 9, 10

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Comments:

I think I would like this more if it were performed for me at a Slam Poetry session.

It's good.  I enjoy the story and the references.  I just think I'd rather hear this than read it.
 — aeturnus

I dont feel im in a position to judge poetry such as this because as little as i understand poetry in general i understand this type less. Is this good because its edgy? Why is this good?
"the ribald of it" doesnt seem to reclassify or clarify. Why would it be seperate from the "rings of destiny." Maybe this would make more sense to me if instead of anal sex you were talking about some more extreme sexual behavior or attitude.

I dont know really my post is posted in the hope you will be able to explain. I hope you will i wish to learn.
 — peoplescareT

This is so self-conscious, you are watching your hand write the poem and feeling proud, that's how this feels to me.  It does not feel authentic as a poem, just someone trying to write a hip and modern poem.

You have put in too many outside things, such as the shudderingly bad line 7 and the freddy nod.  Line 13 is a valley-girl talking in the locker room, not a man who just tucked his crotch goodies into his pants.  Line 16 - another attempt at writing a poem but it does not work, we are too smart for that here.

The poem sounds more as if (forgive me) that you just cut off your junk, nothing left to tuck.  It's an old man's view of the mirror, you know the type, trying to be hip and cool, ending up foolish and alone.
 — Isabelle5

I forgot to say that if you were going for that kind of poem, you nailed it!
 — Isabelle5

my favourite part is
'and you'd be like: ewww"
that's cute and funny.

so hey if you're gonna borrow my thunder,
you gotta work out a better story.  
there are too many outside references in this; too heinz ketchup.
and be more subtle.

it's no wonder you hate me.  do i ever say anything nice?  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

however, i love that you wrote on about this.
you got me inspired and i've added to the collection.
this one won't hurt you.  in your soul.
;)
 — jenakajoffer

love the movement of this. the first six lines seem to be the smoothest, but the rest is carried out well enough to where you just like the whole poem.

i'm a fan of the colloquial, it would seem. so, guess i liked it even more.
 — listen

aww, i was so mean.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

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