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Meth and The Trilogy of Sin
aeturnus

down in Chance, you've
 1
got a chance to either
 2
get Lucky, or not. Maybe
 3
shot.
 4
 
 
Either way, when riding
 5
through there, you'll
 6
see the women on the
 7
popped hoods of cars
 8
making out with whose
 9
ever turn it is that
 10
ten minutes.
 11
 
 
while the others sit in
 12
lawn chairs and drink
 13
their liquor, smoking
 14
their pot, waiting
 15
for their turn to climb
 16
manly on to the hood of
 17
their classic muscle.
 18
 
 
in the house, there's
 19
a cook, sitting at his
 20
desk stirring their latest
 21
product, hoping not to inhale
 22
the wrong chemicals and
 23
burn himself inside out.
 24
 
 
and the barefoot girl
 25
between his legs does her best
 26
not to bite.
 27

To the souls lost 8-23-09, may they rest in peace.

28 Aug 09

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Comments:

basically, the place is fucked, eh.
nice write.
 — unknown

I would suggest changing lines 9-10:  making out with whoever's turn it is for the next ten minutes.  It's not quite clear as written.

I think you could drop their from lines 14-18.  drink liquor, smoke pot, wait a turn to climb, etc.

Line 20 - maybe sitting at a desk..why at a desk and not a little stovetop?  How do you cook on a desk?  I'm not drug minded, this might be something that's common knowledge but I don't know it!

Line 25, drop the and, don't begin sentences with and.

This is very droll, very much a big laugh and sigh at fate.  
 — Isabelle5

I don't particularly think their deaths were funny.  But I appreciate the comments nonetheless.  Thanks :)
 — aeturnus

the word "Sin" makes no sense, considering the poem. it's an affectation, like worthless paste jewelery.
 — unknown

gneiss.

; )
 — fractalcore

@unknown,
Sorry, the "trilogy of sin" is a relatively well-known idea where I'm from.  The trilogy, on some level, involves "women, liquor, and drugs", of which Chance is apparently teeming with all three.  Further, the area called Chance is geographically triangular in shape, with one road to the north that drives straight through Southward and splits in two, heading off to the South East/West (thus also making the triangle).  I wasn't trying to be particularly clever with that title, just relaying a bit about that area near my home.  Hope that clears up the confusion.
 — aeturnus

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