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Brown-Eyed Wish

Emerging slowly I
stretch my skin and grow
your body tightens
you don't want this
you squeeze another back
into the recesses of you skull
no matter
so I will be singular and
this much more meaningful
I painstakingly trace your face
in a caress you won't recognize
and whisper my goodbyes
to those eyes
those eyes
brown and subdued
moisture lingers there where
you wish it were blue
and then I am falling
from your face
I've come to know
and I join the others
who look just like me
only not so small
and not so salty
on the sidewalk

21 Sep 09

Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 8, 9

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(17 more poems by this author)

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    There was short sweet summer brown eyed girl who sent me her tears in the Nam, jerked me around plenty, like a girl I met in Toyko... still writing about Diane... should have never opened that birthday box,  my smile probably looks out of place... cause a man can have his single tears too as Linda would say, it is easy to track the trail of my single tear... I touched it with my fingers, now there's a little bit of room around us... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    by the way thank you, most of your your works take me to a place where I have no armor....
   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

I just finished reading your other one "Moonfeathers"
and I like this one as well-
though 'meaningful' line 9... 1 L of course--
also, I feel you should split/space between lines 13-14--especially if you plan on keeping both 'those eyes' in your poem ...
very creative how you're the teardrop...nICE
 — JKWeb

thank you goeszon ur comment made me smile :)
and jkweb thnx 4 the advice it definentaly help
 — justagirlx3

I was hoping you'd split the lines a bit differently-
my suggestion is to move line 13 'to those eyes' next to line 12
and leave that space--I think it would look and read much better-
jus' my 2 cents..
 — JKWeb

nice poem, i really enjoyed it.

suggesting you drop a few 'you's' from lines 3-6
typo L6 "your" skull
L's 8/9 could do without "so"
L10, painstakingly trace, is a bit of a mouthful.  less is more sometimes.
L16. 'there where'  ditch 'there'
'where you wish it blue'
L18 'and then i am falling'  try to omit the play-by-play descriptions by using less prose and more simple action, like..."falling from your face"  although this line could be a little more interesting so using as an example is only partial to what i mean.  
you could also make use of pauses, like dashes or semicolons to avoid the overuse of the connective 'ands'.  it will read more thoughtful, less lecturing; at least that's how i describe that situation.

you did a really good job getting it down, just think it deserves another look, a look into something deeper.  
lovely ending.  well done.
 — jenakajoffer

i really dont want to alter it too much. i think it depends on how your reading it and i kind of like it when my poems are a little off. :) thnx 4 the advice tho i appreciate it
 — justagirlx3