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Brown-Eyed Wish
justagirlx3

Emerging slowly I
 1
stretch my skin and grow
 2
 
 
your body tightens
 3
you don't want this
 4
you squeeze another back
 5
into the recesses of you skull
 6
 
 
no matter
 7
 
 
so I will be singular and
 8
this much more meaningful
 9
 
 
I painstakingly trace your face
 10
in a caress you won't recognize
 11
and whisper my goodbyes
 12
to those eyes
 13
 
 
those eyes
 14
brown and subdued
 15
moisture lingers there where
 16
you wish it were blue
 17
 
 
and then I am falling
 18
from your face
 19
I've come to know
 20
and I join the others
 21
who look just like me
 22
only not so small
 23
and not so salty
 24
on the sidewalk
 25

21 Sep 09

Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

    There was short sweet summer brown eyed girl who sent me her tears in the Nam, jerked me around plenty, like a girl I met in Toyko... still writing about Diane... should have never opened that birthday box,  my smile probably looks out of place... cause a man can have his single tears too as Linda would say, it is easy to track the trail of my single tear... I touched it with my fingers, now there's a little bit of room around us... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

    by the way thank you, most of your your works take me to a place where I have no armor....
   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

I just finished reading your other one "Moonfeathers"
and I like this one as well-
though 'meaningful' line 9... 1 L of course--
also, I feel you should split/space between lines 13-14--especially if you plan on keeping both 'those eyes' in your poem ...
very creative how you're the teardrop...nICE
 — JKWeb

thank you goeszon ur comment made me smile :)
and jkweb thnx 4 the advice it definentaly help
 — justagirlx3

jagirlx3-
I was hoping you'd split the lines a bit differently-
my suggestion is to move line 13 'to those eyes' next to line 12
and leave that space--I think it would look and read much better-
jus' my 2 cents..
 — JKWeb

nice poem, i really enjoyed it.

suggesting you drop a few 'you's' from lines 3-6
typo L6 "your" skull
L's 8/9 could do without "so"
L10, painstakingly trace, is a bit of a mouthful.  less is more sometimes.
L16. 'there where'  ditch 'there'
'where you wish it blue'
L18 'and then i am falling'  try to omit the play-by-play descriptions by using less prose and more simple action, like..."falling from your face"  although this line could be a little more interesting so using as an example is only partial to what i mean.  
you could also make use of pauses, like dashes or semicolons to avoid the overuse of the connective 'ands'.  it will read more thoughtful, less lecturing; at least that's how i describe that situation.

you did a really good job getting it down, just think it deserves another look, a look into something deeper.  
lovely ending.  well done.
 — jenakajoffer

i really dont want to alter it too much. i think it depends on how your reading it and i kind of like it when my poems are a little off. :) thnx 4 the advice tho i appreciate it
 — justagirlx3

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