|Birthday Cake Smile/Marshmallow High
I draw a cross
onto your brow
with sugar and water
eat the moon down
from its marshmallow high,
drop from your lips
like birthday stars.
13 Oct 09
Rated 8 (7.3) by 6 users.
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(233 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
Add A Comment:
oh, how lovely!
yes indeed quite lovely
I'm sorry I don't understand this at all but this image is lovely. The title should be changed perhaps, unless you intended to be repetitive with L6-7. Maybe a title that let hinted at your intent with this (or maybe I'm being selfish or lazy in not figuring it out for myself).
I was going to entitle it, "Language of Love," but that's so common. I like to be you-neek (unique). :-) Thanks, lysandre, Liliana and Cocoa! If you don't get it still after another read, I'll come back and help u out. :-)
The first verse is a little confusing. Perhaps you could change it to something like
I rub ashes into your brow
in the sign of a cross. Something about rubbing the brow with ashes...it seems too caustic to do to a lover.
Lines 6-8 are the best.
Isabelle, thanks. I don't see a real difference between what I've got and what you're proposing. Do you? As for the act itself being caustic, it's about the sacredness of love, the love that comes from God. What choo think? I'm having great difficulty in changing L's 1-3 for fear of bringing in any "clunk" to the original strophe. I'm thinking of deleting L's 4&5 altogether though. Any thoughts/further suggestions? :-)
Okay, Isabelle...try it now and see what u think. :-)
Some small changes and a new title. Thanks every-1 for your input. :-)
what did you do to your poem?
it was so much better before
the syntax in the first stanza is off.
with ashes shouldn't follow brow.
was it really that way before?
the new title is squeaky and generic.
I won't change my rating,
but I'm very let down.
...and I like to be ANYTHING but squeaky and generic, so I returned this to its original form. Thanks lysandre. :-)
typo in line 5 "the"
I believe you were correcting that typo at the exact moment I posted that comment.. because I re-read and there it was... fixed.. like magic hah. Or I need glasses?
Gotcha, SarahMichele. I think we caught that together! Thank you! :-)
Nah...no glasses. Well...maybe some WINE glasses! After the week I've been having here at work, wine is in order! :-)
I like this, very pretty images, but not quite sure I understand the meaning behind it...?
andy, thank you. I'm not quite sure I even understand what it means either. LOL! I just like the images, so I put them to a title. No one ever said poets make sense ALL the time. :-) Thanks for the read and the fave though, buddy. Maybe in time it'll finish itself????
It's pure, unadulterated, spiritual love as clean as Ivory soap, y'all. :-)
Hm, I'm imagining it is addressed to a bar of Ivy soap to anchor these pretty images in my mind... works surprisingly well (for me, at least).
i would probably change 'august' to 'autumn'. but that is just preference and nothing more.
andy, again, thanks! And Rask, I'm feelin' the "autumn" too actually in L8, so I changed it per your suggesti-ma-cation. :-) Thanks!
Ma bad. I changed this up a bit more cuz it was somethin' I could really feel and retitled it accordingly. Hopefully, y'all'll dig it. Thanks 4 bein' so patient with my naturally vascilliatory brain. It's the Sagitarrius in me. Can't help it. :-)
gooed job, starr.
eye rreally lie-ick
Thanks, frac! I like your other handle. It's so French. Heave a goot dee. :-)
omg, 'moon you from a chocolate window'? haha, ewwwww!
did you just show me someone's butthole? i'm afraid!!!
is "flowers drop from you lips" from another poem?
i recall seeing something similar in a title here somewhere.
well, i don't know what to think of this one. ;)
LMAO!!! Hey, Jen! My butthole was clean when I mooned you from my chocolate window though! LOL! The original poem was entitled, "Watching Flowers Fall from Your Lips," but then I went off on this whole 'notha tangent and created this one instead by furthering the revision process. Hope u like (the poem, not my butthole.) xoxo! Shitdawg of Love
I think I would like it better without the mooning in line 4, but something sweeter and innocenter like the rest of the poem.
How DISS? Better-er? :-O
Sounds like a Peter Max poster. cool
THAT'S a compliment! Thank you! :-)
decadent and mystifying simultaneously. great, actually. thank you!
Much better, I've been watching this evolve before commenting or rating.
Hey, Isabelle! Thanks! This poem has CERTAINLY evolved since its first appearance. I'm glad u like it! It's come a long way and it's been actually fun watching it mature on THIS end too! :-)
It's different... but it's fun and I love it=)))
Thanks, Isabella. It was fun writing it. It began as a completely different poem that just took its time evolving over the course of a couple of weeks. I'm happy with it. Glad u like it too. :-)