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Birthday Cake Smile/Marshmallow High
starr

I draw a cross
 1
onto your brow
 2
with sugar and water
 3
 
 
eat the moon down
 4
from its marshmallow high,
 5
 
 
frosted flowers
 6
drop from your lips
 7
like birthday stars.
 8

13 Oct 09

Rated 8 (7.3) by 6 users.
Active (6): 8
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(225 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

oh, how lovely!
 — lysandre

yes indeed quite lovely
 — Liliana

I'm sorry I don't understand this at all but this image is lovely. The title should be changed perhaps, unless you intended to be repetitive with L6-7. Maybe a title that let hinted at your intent with this (or maybe I'm being selfish or lazy in not figuring it out for myself).
 — Cocoa

I was going to entitle it, "Language of Love," but that's so common.  I like to be you-neek (unique).  :-)  Thanks, lysandre, Liliana and Cocoa!  If you don't get it still after another read, I'll come back and help u out.  :-)
 — starr

The first verse is a little confusing.  Perhaps you could change it to something like
I rub ashes into your brow
in the sign of a cross.  Something about rubbing the brow with ashes...it seems too caustic to do to a lover.

Lines 6-8 are the best.
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle, thanks.  I don't see a real difference between what I've got and what you're proposing.  Do you?  As for the act itself being caustic, it's about the sacredness of love, the love that comes from God.  What choo think?  I'm having great difficulty in changing L's 1-3 for fear of bringing in any "clunk" to the original strophe.  I'm thinking of deleting L's 4&5 altogether though.  Any thoughts/further suggestions?  :-)
 — starr

Okay, Isabelle...try it now and see what u think.  :-)
 — starr

Some small changes and a new title.  Thanks every-1 for your input.  :-)
 — starr

what did you do to your poem?
it was so much better before

the syntax in the first stanza is off.
with ashes shouldn't follow brow.

was it really that way before?
the new title is squeaky and generic.

I won't  change my rating,
but I'm very let down.

lysandre
 — unknown

...and I like to be ANYTHING but squeaky and generic, so I returned this to its original form.  Thanks lysandre.  :-)
 — starr

typo in line 5 "the"
 — SarahMichele

I believe you were correcting that typo at the exact moment I posted that comment.. because I re-read and there it was... fixed.. like magic hah. Or I need glasses?
 — SarahMichele

Gotcha, SarahMichele.  I think we caught that together!  Thank you!  :-)
 — starr

Nah...no glasses.  Well...maybe some WINE glasses!  After the week I've been having here at work, wine is in order!  :-)
 — starr

I like this, very pretty images, but not quite sure I understand the meaning behind it...?
 — andyleggett

andy, thank you.  I'm not quite sure I even understand what it means either.  LOL!  I just like the images, so I put them to a title.  No one ever said poets make sense ALL the time.  :-)  Thanks for the read and the fave though, buddy.  Maybe in time it'll finish itself????  
 — starr

It's pure, unadulterated, spiritual love as clean as Ivory soap, y'all.  :-)
 — starr

Hm, I'm imagining it is addressed to a bar of Ivy soap to anchor these pretty images in my mind... works surprisingly well (for me, at least).
 — andyleggett

i would probably change 'august' to 'autumn'. but that is just preference and nothing more.
 — raskolniikov

andy, again, thanks!  And Rask, I'm feelin' the "autumn" too actually in L8, so I changed it per your suggesti-ma-cation.  :-)  Thanks!  
 — starr

Ma bad.  I changed this up a bit more cuz it was somethin' I could really feel and retitled it accordingly.  Hopefully, y'all'll dig it.  Thanks 4 bein' so patient with my naturally vascilliatory brain.  It's the Sagitarrius in me.  Can't help it.  :-)
 — starr

gooed job, starr.
eye rreally lie-ick
eat.

; )
 — noose_die_ve

oops.
lemme
revert to
my original
handle first,
hehe.

; )
 — noose_die_ve

there.

; )
 — fractalcore

Thanks, frac!  I like your other handle.  It's so French.  Heave a goot dee.  :-)
 — starr

omg, 'moon you from a chocolate window'?   haha, ewwwww!
did you just show me someone's butthole?   i'm afraid!!!

is "flowers drop from you lips" from another poem?  
i recall seeing something similar in a title here somewhere.
well, i don't know what to think of this one.  ;)
 — jenakajoffer

LMAO!!!  Hey, Jen!  My butthole was clean when I mooned you from my chocolate window though!  LOL!  The original poem was entitled, "Watching Flowers Fall from Your Lips," but then I went off on this whole 'notha tangent and created this one instead by furthering the revision process.  Hope u like (the poem, not my butthole.)  xoxo!  Shitdawg of Love
 — starr

I think I would like it better without the mooning in line 4, but something sweeter and innocenter like the rest of the poem.
 — unknown

How DISS?  Better-er?  :-O
 — starr

Sounds like a Peter Max poster. cool
 — Redlander

THAT'S a compliment!  Thank you!  :-)
 — starr

decadent and mystifying simultaneously.  great, actually.  thank you!
 — unknown

Much better, I've been watching this evolve before commenting or rating.  
 — Isabelle5

Hey, Isabelle!  Thanks!  This poem has CERTAINLY evolved since its first appearance.  I'm glad u like it!  It's come a long way and it's been actually fun watching it mature on THIS end too!  :-)
 — starr

It's different... but it's fun and I love it=)))
 — IsabellaSwan

Thanks, Isabella.  It was fun writing it.  It began as a completely different poem that just took its time evolving over the course of a couple of weeks.  I'm happy with it.  Glad u like it too.  :-)
 — starr

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