poetry critical

online poetry workshop

you're kidding, right?

you ignore me so gracefully... just, how do you do it?
i gave you the best that i had and you shrugged it off your shoulders like it was dirt and you were jay-z
don't tell me i'm crazy just because i think of you every .5 seconds.
it's not my fault you're a mix of Swedish love.
you've got enough talent for a reality TV show, which doesn't say much, but neither do you.
am i talking too much or is this getting through to you?
because so far, you're just sitting there like some kind of mindless fuckhead, staring into the sky like the stars are going to grant you all your wishes within the next 10 seconds.
wipe that smile off of your face because luck is not on your side.
nor is it on mine, because you just don't come around anymore.
or is this some kind of joke?

15 Oct 09

Rated 5.5 (7.3) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 2, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)

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no comments?
 — unknown

this is very adult sounding, like a boy in an indie film with a BMW roadster revving and doing a wheelie. even the tunes on the sound system are quite seriously indie rock. it's quite a touching picture, and maybe the beginning of indie poetry.
 — trashpoodle

I like trashpoodle's comment... indie poetry. heh
I like how the tone of this is like a cross between an indie-song, a reprimand both frustrated with its subject and wearied by its own anger. Excellent.
 — andyleggett

 — nikkimint55

ignore poodle,
best way.
 — unknown

the term "indie poetry"isn't new, but borrowed (stolen) from the 1980's.
 — unknown

ignore poodle.
best way.
 — unknown

haha jay z
 — r3dhead69

you're kidding, right? ... or is this some kind of joke?

The title and the last line sum it up for me as this hardly stands up as poetry.  

I don't see much substance.  I even read it out loud and it sounded worse than it looked.  

Disjointed, sprawling, random, and not cohesive.  Too telling, yet somehow not saying much at all.

No rating.    
 — OldShoe

^ agreed.
 — Sylph

 — unknown

this is freaking amazing. I absolutely love the emotion that comes forth in this and wow... just wow. congrats on being one of the few who can write out emotions so that the reader understands them. good for you.
 — silentspring

change the title
 — unknown

liked this poem alot.
 — michelle343

 — nikkimint55