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dumbgirl

a crestfallen feel of the air fills the dark room
 1
 
 
though mindlessly words are glanced at
 2
 
 
pages of the book are continuously flipped
 3
 
 
coffee parched up now cold
 4
 
 
like how we are
 5
 
 
freezing cold.
 6
 
 
modest and incandescently romantic lamp
 7
 
 
rather gloomy
 8
 
 
aids both our eyes in hiding
 9
 
 
what we cant help but show
 10

25 Oct 09

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lines 5-6 should be left blank.
whatchathink?

love is in the air, huh?
; )
 — fractalcore

i might suggest, too, that the first line be
'a crestfallen waft of air fills...' or something
along that line.

thanks.
; )
 — fractalcore

and could you possibly omit 'dark' from there?
sorry for bugging you.

; )
 — fractalcore

@fractalcore: rereading now i must agree; love was in the air :(
 — dumbgirl

-thanks very much :)
 — dumbgirl

let me further my annoyance a bit more, ok?
if i may:

--

a crestfallen waft of air
fills the room, though mindlessly
words are glanced at --

book pages seem
to flip on their own;
coffee stands, perched up
now cold --

modest incandescent lamp
rather gloomy
aids both our eyes in hiding
we can't help but show.

--

or something like that.
ok, i'll stop bugging you now.

thanks again.
; )
 — fractalcore

erm, last line should read:

'what we can help but show.'


i'm so duhmb, ain't i?
: )
 — fractalcore

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