poetry critical

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a crestfallen feel of the air fills the dark room
though mindlessly words are glanced at
pages of the book are continuously flipped
coffee parched up now cold
like how we are
freezing cold.
modest and incandescently romantic lamp
rather gloomy
aids both our eyes in hiding
what we cant help but show

25 Oct 09

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lines 5-6 should be left blank.

love is in the air, huh?
; )
 — fractalcore

i might suggest, too, that the first line be
'a crestfallen waft of air fills...' or something
along that line.

; )
 — fractalcore

and could you possibly omit 'dark' from there?
sorry for bugging you.

; )
 — fractalcore

@fractalcore: rereading now i must agree; love was in the air :(
 — dumbgirl

-thanks very much :)
 — dumbgirl

let me further my annoyance a bit more, ok?
if i may:


a crestfallen waft of air
fills the room, though mindlessly
words are glanced at --

book pages seem
to flip on their own;
coffee stands, perched up
now cold --

modest incandescent lamp
rather gloomy
aids both our eyes in hiding
we can't help but show.


or something like that.
ok, i'll stop bugging you now.

thanks again.
; )
 — fractalcore

erm, last line should read:

'what we can help but show.'

i'm so duhmb, ain't i?
: )
 — fractalcore