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My Favorite Place
attnOR

Smokey, Musky skin
 1
The soft smell of soap and then
 2
A kiss, soft and warm with the sound
 3
Of desperation and the splash of tongue
 4
between our mouths.
 5
 
 
He yawns and a shiver sprints down my back
 6
The early morning sun shines in
 7
Where are we? It doesn’t matter,
 8
Not with him.
 9
 
 
Untanned, blond with brown eyes;
 10
They are reddened from a long nights sleep.
 11
It is the newlywed syndrome,
 12
Love lasts forever in the bed sheets.
 13
And that love,
 14
defined by a post-ardent smell,
 15
is so heavy on the air.
 16
 
 
Where is this favored place?
 17
It doesn’t matter where.
 18
 
 
#
 19
 
 
Ashli B
 20

26 Oct 09

Rated 7 (8.5) by 1 users.
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Inactive (1): 7, 10

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Comments:

be there or?
be squired
 — unknown

Very, very good.
 — andyleggett

Splash of tongue isn't a very enticing sound, in my opinion.  It sounds more like Listerine than a sensual kiss, you might wish to revisit that line.

Line two - can you simplify?  He yawns and I shiver.
Lines 8-9 -  I don't know if that's quite how you wish this to read so you might need "not when I'm with him," because it isn't quite saying that as long as you're with him, nothing else matters.

This needs cutting, it's got some long phrasing that is making this much heavier than a newly wed, exciting time would be.  The last line must be about the mate!

Where is this favored place?  Him, only him, something like that.  

Good luck with the poem and the marriage, if this is your life.
 — Isabelle5

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