sea, so seldom
do you abide
the prurient cliff
thumbing its chin
envy of the bald
and mopey sky,
who gloats at
flight and sings
of exodus, how
its croons and
you must take
of the moon,
pull as a mother
when her child
for the earth
plumb you hard
as thieves, seize
your church in
iron tanks, pour
in a paper cup.
6 Nov 09
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Wow! This is good stuff. Your metaphor is some of the best I've read, and the imagery is very vivid. Love it, thank you.
god love these carefully chosen scenes!
a film, a portrait and poem!
what can i say, 'thumbing its chin' and 'envy of the bald and mopey sky'...
this is brilliant. and me oh my, what is 'doxy'?
my only suggestion is for lines 20-23.
feeling this section doesn't flow as well as it should,
and i find 'as does' and 'suck breath' falls completely flat
in comparison to the rest of this poem.
her child dies
"pull, as a mother
when her child dies"
anything to that effect?
whatever, great poem, as always.
thanks for posting. =-)
Thanks to both of you.
Jen, drawing breath doesn't accurately capture the shock I'm looking for, but I think I have a compromise.
yeah, i realized after i posted my comment that it was 'suck for shock',
so, yes, draw isn't as captivating,
but suck just feels too vile, violent,
not like mother.
what's the compromise?
ah, yes i see.
that is better. =-)
though if my child died, i think i would heave.
i'd be more sick than shocked.
ha, i'm so opinionated! sorry. ;)
love your poem
the sense of old language, a Shakespearean language almost, flitting in and out of this modern (epic) portrayal of the sea, makes this a most enjoyable read.
good control of language your images are confident.
i faved this tonight, because it's beautiful,
but for many other reasons,
those being my closeness to the sea
for the paintings and patches of orange,
and the expression in your voice (which i love).
all but one word that hurts me,
and i have been silent as to not stain your voice,
but i wouldn't be truthful i didn't tell you that 'rapists'
could very easily be
though I agree with jen
about replacing 'rapists' with 'thieves' --
otherwise, masterfully crafted
If she changed the word rapists then the line would not make sense, read the the words before rapist.
i read them.
very beautiful, 16-21 and all of S1 are well written, you should be chuffed with this.
The imagery in this poem is breathtaking and the title fits it perfectly. Wonderful work :)
i still say rapists is a bad choice, but now i'm saying it for sound and rhythm purposes alone. a one syllable word would be the best choice here.
i know, the deed is done, but nothing is ever really done.
beautiful to read once again, aureo
A pretty poem.
This is awful!
love the last stanza the most, although it is the darkest.
Amazing, startling, beautiful. I am in awe and envy. Particularly loved the l20 -23
Wonderful.... j.g. smiles
I had to really look to find something amiss. The first read went off without a hitch, so I'd say the nit I have is probably unimportant, but I'll share it anyway:
It's your modifier for cliff. It personifies, which is apt, considering the metaphorical nature of this; but I'm not yet understanding your choice. Maybe after another cup of coffee it'll come to me.
Great stuff though.
I appreciate your recent attention to my work, A.
It has to do with the relationship between the ocean and the shore, and their contrasting natures.
Drink your coffee and get back to me.
I can see that the personified cliff, a bit pompous, believes itself to be the master, but the sea and the owner of the overseeing voice know better. It's an inkling, that's all.
does the content really save the form? it seems like the form is borrowed from 'poetry writing', and anything in the 'poem' is supposed to be pure just because the form is high-class?
I don't know, mike. Sure.
Tell me good sir, if you please.
When shall we be expecting another installment?
exodus is a capital E
'lower-case' keeps the word inside the poem, and making the thing 'Exodus' into a way of existence, a thing like any other thing, keeps the tone of the poem moving towards it's real content. putting a cap there would be like sticking a major triad inside a piece by debussy... 'claire de lune' or something. it'd be an announcement, not a voice in the music. i really think the poet and poem create a new grammar with each poem, and all the old marks and clues are modified to say exactly what the poet wants to say and how it should be said.
i think this is brilliant. ~selah~
Coming back to this two years later, I see what you mean, A. The speaker and the ocean both know the cliff only appears masterful, but it is the sea who shaped him, all those millenia ago.
Let's try "prurient".