| Planted in Stony Acreage
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JKWeb
| stifled | 1 |
in the lurid bound | 2 |
of one's last gasp | 3 |
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bedded | 4 |
in mounds of dirt | 5 |
dressed in divine gowns, | 6 |
the newly dead | 7 |
disabled ardor | 8 |
and disputed elegies. | 9 |
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drowned | 10 |
in the prominent patch | 11 |
of ecliptic earth, | 12 |
these deceased | 13 |
were no specter-like demigods- | 14 |
they coveted | 15 |
no resolute ancestral Heaven | 16 |
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and as they immersed | 17 |
in the day's decay, | 18 |
they discovered a lair | 19 |
of irreparable severance. | 20 |
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with compressed sand | 21 |
above their two-yard gag, | 22 |
quietus rendered them | 23 |
among the stoic | 24 |
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they accepted destiny | 25 |
to falter eternally | 26 |
in a monumental stupor. | 27 |
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drained and drifted | 28 |
in shallows of plasma, | 29 |
cells failed, incompliant- | 30 |
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licking wounds that never mend, | 31 |
their spirits dispersed | 32 |
as whispers of wind | 33 |
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... | 34 |
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28 Nov 09 |
Rated 9.5 (9.1) by 8 users.
Active (8): 1, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (1):
(define the words in this poem)
(41 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Whew! You've outdone yourself here. This conveys much emotion and imagery, extremely well written. Great stuff.
— JohnW
JohnW-
thank you very much..
this is one I came back to a few times--
I appreciate it
— JKWeb
Mors ultima lina rerum est... death is every thing's final limit... (Horance)
This is interspersed with dread my authors favorite place to be, well written, ghastly storied in a style of it's own, outstanding sir...
— goeszon
goesZEN-
like your latin phrase!
thanks for the read and comment
and for the compliment..
gratitude
— JKWeb
thanks JohnW-
for making this a fave
— JKWeb
mos' def
— unknown
unknown-
thanks for reading and comment
— JKWeb
JK: you certainly do have a flair for finding beauty in the macabre--this is outstanding!
— PaulS
PaulS-
thanks much for giving this one a look
and making a fave...
I greatly appreciate your feedback
— JKWeb
i like it when you write this way
in the back of the head
instead of in your face
— unknown
thank you unknown
— JKWeb
Gorgeous poem. :-)
— starr
It's pretty but it's not at all the way I view death or the dead. If this is what it is, I am not going, thanks!
— Isabelle5
starr-
thank you for reading
and compliment
Namaste
— JKWeb
Isabelle-
thank you too for reading...
I suppose it's mostly speculation
with the exception of people that have
had near-death experiences
— JKWeb
you've an eye for detail even when morbid fascination gives way to whispers in the wind -- you wrote an earlier elegy with head-stones that was fantastic too if I recall -- this has your cutting medic wit in it and perhaps this is your memento mori I'm caput ;)
— AlchemiA
AlchemiA-
you're right...I tend to write
along these crooked lines--
though... may we all live long, happy lives---
thanks for reading and insightful comments
— JKWeb
The first part tries to hard.
— unknown
unknown-
thanks for reading
— JKWeb
(5)
— unknown
goodness what a poem.
i like when you write like this; no extra words but in a way you want to keep going. line thirty-one is good because of the imagery attached. depressing but somehow hopeful.
— listen
listen-
thanks for reading...
I've yet to write an "epic"--
maybe a part II?
again, thanks
— JKWeb
a fine piece of ass, might i say (great poem i mean) =-D
L7 struck me to say "newly"
L13 "these deceased" doesn't ring right, maybe 'the' deceased.
i also think that 'specter-like' is an overkill, and it takes away tremendously from demigods.
L24 is iffy, but i would love to see you take out 'the', having 'they' follow this line, i think you could manage quite well without it.
radiant ending, really nice write, james. thanks for pointing me to it.
— jenakajoffer
Jen-
Thanks for reading and feedback. L7 ... I guess there are many options...'new' 'newly' 'green' 'fresh'. You're right, change made. With 'these deceased'...I was going with this "group" of arrivals, hence 'these' but I see what you mean and will give it some more thought. L24...I'm not quite sure about your suggestion. Again, thanks for taking the time to read and crit.
— JKWeb
Goodness me James it seems you've definitely found an emotional perspective that translates into more condensed images of poetry. With your military background it is important to detach your own personal views and present these experiences for everyone to see and feel. One of the most haunting examples of war I was told by a para was it being as if someone sellotaping needles under eyelids forcing them to see it, their seems an almost voyeuristic side to human nature to force ourselves to experience things no matter how hard they are to take.
I was intrigued by line 6 and of the divinity of death, adding a worth not waste to the ultimate sacrifice. In recent times I think the lore of sacrificing ourselves for our country has been devaluated and replaced by the media with a hijacked morality focusing more on blame then sacrifice.
The whole poem is strong and stark and the only part of it that appear out of synch are lines 13-16. I think this is because you put an opinion/experience into it almost like admitting you were there when the rest of the poem does not really confirm that.
It's an impressive poem, in my opinion your best so far and you've set a standard for yourself to follow.
— unknown
PS the unknown (long) comment was from me, Caducus
— unknown
Caducus-
Thanks for taking the time to read and the positive feedback. This is actually a poem I came back to several times before actually posting. I will definately give some more thought to lines 13-16. Thanks again.
— JKWeb
I like the use of the "d" sound used generously in the poem. It has a solid stubborn sound that works well with the theme. Too many moments to list, and you are already confident in them. Divine.
— NicMichaels
NicMichaels-
Thanks for reading and the positive words. I had never noticed the heavy "D's" but I'm glad they seemed to work for you.
— JKWeb
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