poetry critical

online poetry workshop



One-Man Parade
ashtray

I.
 1
 
 
The ticker tape

 2
Static,

 3
Not quite rain,
 4
Nebulosa

 5
Escondida

 6
A cloud of moths

 7
Dry winged dust

 8
Pixie dust

 9
Only static
 10
Static
 11
Static

 12
Static
 13
.

 14
 
 
 
 
II.
 15
 
 
A throng of silence
 16
Thrusts through the air;
 17
Breathing molasses,

 18
Barely living at all,

 19
The heart is a burden

 20
Beating, breathing,

 21
Beckoning reason,
 22
Reason to be;
 23
Reason to remain;

 24
Reason to keep walking

 25
Away, away

 26
Keep walking on

 27
Away
 28
Away from the shadow
 29
Away from a shadow,

 30
Never ceases to follow.
 31

1 Dec 09

Rated 1 (4.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 1, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(8 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

31 becomes disconnected from the song and disintegrates into clever. it's too bad, because the rest of this isn't so bad. you could format the triple 'static' in a more effective way, since the three of them combine to make it sound like an ineffectual lisp. i don't know if you can hear that, being so close to your own poem, but it does and will to anyone who reads this more than four times. little things like that end up being the poem and the poem turns silly.

so, shadow/sea-ses/sea-ses sets up a standing wave, and static/static/static turns, phonetically and according to grimm, the 'st' into 'th'.

perhaps this won't bother you, if you don't read this outloud, but it seemed to me that you heard this as you were writing it -- heard its sounds. you'd be one of the very few here who do that, if it's so. it's the core root of writing poetry.
 — bmikebauer

ignore the idiot bauer.
best way.
 — unknown

Mike, thank you very much for an incredibly insightful review. Upon further consideration of my piece, I must say I agree with your comment regarding line 31. I'll have to think up something better.

I certainly read my poetry out loud as I write, but I can tell I'm far less knowledgeable regarding phonetics than you are. I caught the lisp you mention...any suggestions as to formatting? Perhaps playing with articles, adding an 'a' before the first repetition...I like 's' sound...hmmm...

In any case, I really appreciate your feedback.
 — ashtray

0.518s