poetry critical

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One-Man Parade

The ticker tape


Not quite rain,


A cloud of moths

Dry winged dust

Pixie dust

Only static


A throng of silence
Thrusts through the air;
Breathing molasses,

Barely living at all,

The heart is a burden

Beating, breathing,

Beckoning reason,
Reason to be;
Reason to remain;

Reason to keep walking

Away, away

Keep walking on

Away from the shadow
Away from a shadow,

Never ceases to follow.

1 Dec 09

Rated 1 (4.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 1, 8

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31 becomes disconnected from the song and disintegrates into clever. it's too bad, because the rest of this isn't so bad. you could format the triple 'static' in a more effective way, since the three of them combine to make it sound like an ineffectual lisp. i don't know if you can hear that, being so close to your own poem, but it does and will to anyone who reads this more than four times. little things like that end up being the poem and the poem turns silly.

so, shadow/sea-ses/sea-ses sets up a standing wave, and static/static/static turns, phonetically and according to grimm, the 'st' into 'th'.

perhaps this won't bother you, if you don't read this outloud, but it seemed to me that you heard this as you were writing it -- heard its sounds. you'd be one of the very few here who do that, if it's so. it's the core root of writing poetry.
 — bmikebauer

ignore the idiot bauer.
best way.
 — unknown

Mike, thank you very much for an incredibly insightful review. Upon further consideration of my piece, I must say I agree with your comment regarding line 31. I'll have to think up something better.

I certainly read my poetry out loud as I write, but I can tell I'm far less knowledgeable regarding phonetics than you are. I caught the lisp you mention...any suggestions as to formatting? Perhaps playing with articles, adding an 'a' before the first repetition...I like 's' sound...hmmm...

In any case, I really appreciate your feedback.
 — ashtray