poetry critical

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I know nothing anymore.
I was lost in the envoi
that crossed paths with me,
in its vastness;
In the thunderstorm which
finds me always
before the silver of the sun--
I am a creature
made of clay;
molded in the image of a shadow,
for I never existed at all
I did wish once to empty your chastity
into me; to pour you like water
into my soul--
but things are always fleeting
to a creature such as I;
who doesn't even exist

11 Mar 04

Rated 8 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 10

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hmmm....I really like this, but I don't know what it is I like.....I love the 3rd stanza. But the rest.....I'll get back to you. Good show.
 — Charlie

I feel the last line was a bit anticlimactic... but I like it. Very nice.
 — unknown

Beautifully written. In stanza 2 I am pleased you have left a variance of defferent interpretions. This warm west wind sent shivers through me, I can tell you took your time on this.

Respect !
 — Caducus

"I can tell you took your time on this."

Lol. Shows what you know! j/k.. Actually, I didn't take any time on this. This was one of the ones that just flowed out. I probably shouldn't reveal how little time it took to write... :-/ Does that make it worthless?

I guess call it a happy 'accident'? I think the muse just has her good days and bad. I'm glad to know your experience of it, though, because as I think you know, I deeply respect your work.
 — elysium

You do, because I hear you. And that's all I can know of existance.

Thanks for this. It's an interesting mix of images, I can't help but feel this sadness, for the creature.  I love the word Zephyr, I'm using that in a character. I know it's a pretty poison....

I can't find a single word that doesn't fit. The sun being silver is like a wish coming true when I expect most poets to simply say gold without thinking. This draws me to conclude you are not one of those. :)

(somewhat later) I didn't see the previous comments, I didn't even know they were there. My first sentences were in direct response to the poem, not comments. I think it's better I didn't read them, I tend to be more critical when there is no need to be.
 — erielle

Fly away on my zephyr...
 — Delicatelie

I really like the image of clay in this one.
 — devilsbelboy