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cold hands
sweetmisery

My hands are cold
 1
against your face,
 2
but you don’t seem
 3
to mind.
 4
 
 
You pull me closer,
 5
and we melt into a kiss
 6
like the dawn melts
 7
into the day.
 8
 
 
You take my fingers
 9
and blow the warmth
 10
of your breath onto them
 11
so gently...
 12
 
 
I hardly remember
 13
ever being cold at all.
 14

21 Dec 09

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Comments:

Does evening melt into dawn or night?  That tripped me a bit.  I like the rest of this but think about that line, please.  
 — Isabelle5

thanks for the insight isabelle, i changed that line around so it's the dawn melting into the evening, you're totally right about that.
 — sweetmisery

I'm sorry but dawn melts into day, twilight melts into night.  

I do love this!
 — Isabelle5

thanks :) made the change again.
 — sweetmisery

i think it should end @ |6.

what do you think?
; )
 — fractalcore

and maybe some white space after |4.

it seems to me that everything you say
after |6 is just unnecessary load after
making our point.

but that's just me, of course.
thanks.

; )
 — fractalcore

*your* point, that is.

; )
 — fractalcore

i appreciate the critisism fractalcore. maybe if i cut out lines 7-13? i just think the last 3 lines help to drive my point and i'd like to leave them in. but i kind of like having the cold hands warmed by the breath...i don't know, i'll have to ponder it a little more.
 — sweetmisery

yes, that's actually a brilliant idea.

: )
 — fractalcore

but you have to rewrite the last 3 lines.

: )
 — fractalcore

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