poetry critical

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cold hands

My hands are cold
against your face,
but you don’t seem
to mind.
You pull me closer,
and we melt into a kiss
like the dawn melts
into the day.
You take my fingers
and blow the warmth
of your breath onto them
so gently...
I hardly remember
ever being cold at all.

21 Dec 09

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
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Does evening melt into dawn or night?  That tripped me a bit.  I like the rest of this but think about that line, please.  
 — Isabelle5

thanks for the insight isabelle, i changed that line around so it's the dawn melting into the evening, you're totally right about that.
 — sweetmisery

I'm sorry but dawn melts into day, twilight melts into night.  

I do love this!
 — Isabelle5

thanks :) made the change again.
 — sweetmisery

i think it should end @ |6.

what do you think?
; )
 — fractalcore

and maybe some white space after |4.

it seems to me that everything you say
after |6 is just unnecessary load after
making our point.

but that's just me, of course.

; )
 — fractalcore

*your* point, that is.

; )
 — fractalcore

i appreciate the critisism fractalcore. maybe if i cut out lines 7-13? i just think the last 3 lines help to drive my point and i'd like to leave them in. but i kind of like having the cold hands warmed by the breath...i don't know, i'll have to ponder it a little more.
 — sweetmisery

yes, that's actually a brilliant idea.

: )
 — fractalcore

but you have to rewrite the last 3 lines.

: )
 — fractalcore