My hands are cold
against your face,
but you don’t seem
You pull me closer,
and we melt into a kiss
like the dawn melts
into the day.
You take my fingers
and blow the warmth
of your breath onto them
I hardly remember
ever being cold at all.
21 Dec 09
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Does evening melt into dawn or night? That tripped me a bit. I like the rest of this but think about that line, please.
thanks for the insight isabelle, i changed that line around so it's the dawn melting into the evening, you're totally right about that.
I'm sorry but dawn melts into day, twilight melts into night.
I do love this!
thanks :) made the change again.
i think it should end @ |6.
what do you think?
and maybe some white space after |4.
it seems to me that everything you say
after |6 is just unnecessary load after
making our point.
but that's just me, of course.
*your* point, that is.
i appreciate the critisism fractalcore. maybe if i cut out lines 7-13? i just think the last 3 lines help to drive my point and i'd like to leave them in. but i kind of like having the cold hands warmed by the breath...i don't know, i'll have to ponder it a little more.
yes, that's actually a brilliant idea.
but you have to rewrite the last 3 lines.
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