poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Nutter Butters
SodaKid

There is a mind beating
 1
a bowl of eggs in that housewife's
 2
blouse.  Her pile of rubble, the man
 3
squeezes, regularly.  They call it
 4
 
 
dancing or
 5
late night car talk.  It was not desire
 6
 
 
that came gushing
 7
out of the stereo, but a mouthful
 8
of beats, a handful of Nutter Butters
 9
poured over the seats and crushed
 10
 
 
by the housewife's back.  There's a pizza
 11
waiting in the trunk.  There's a body
 12
 
 
tangled in the wheels.
 13

25 Dec 09

Rated 9.5 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10
Inactive (2): 10, 10

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Comments:

Interesting and well written.
 — SilverGirl

Good stuff.
 — unknown

hmm...

: )
 — fractalcore

psychologically intriguing...
me likes
 — JKWeb

excellent.
 — aerol

the 'p' sound after the two 'b's deadens the tone when you only allow the click 'her' to transition between harmonies. the first line is a prose-opening sentence in a story or essay, and the poetry isn't made from the second line. that's the problem with this, that there's not enough poetry in it to work into my language. spacing out the words in 5 is a gimmick to give substance, but it has to follow some internal rhythm structures in the first paragraph or it just seems arty.

i think it's that you had a neat image -- the eggs beating, and tacked it onto your habitual poetry-writing style. i think it could have actually been the start of a freedom of writing for you, that you could have sang it out into a story instead of whoring it out in the poetry club.
 — bmikebauer

Wow!  This is SO interesting and cool!  I'm trying to interpret it, but like all poems, everyone gets something different out of 'em.  I have to say that the last part of L11 through to the end is what fascinates me with this.  I really love the way u write!  Kudos and Oreos!  :-)
 — starr

Wonderful
 — psychofemale

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