poetry critical

online poetry workshop



SUMMERTIME HOME AND ABROAD
matrinh20

The storms of August put paid
 1
To all the plans of vice and men;
 2
But we are born to it,
 3
The five to one shot summer,
 4
Yet we will complain of stolen days.
 5
The blackberries and juniper, swollen with rain,
 6
Still ripen in the seldom sun.
 7
 
 
While on the rocky mound of Lindos hill,
 8
High above the cobalt blue and glittering Aegean,
 9
The Acropolis reaches up to touch the face of Helios.
 10
Ancient since Augustus read of rhetoric,
 11
And remains still bathed in its light.
 12
 
 
In Rhodes town the lesbians are hot,
 13
And mangy dogs trot across the chaotic terrain
 14
Or sleep in dusty gutters
 15
Dreaming of dew soaked fields
 16
Under cool and cloudy skys.
 17

30 Dec 09

Rated 10 (9.7) by 1 users.
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Comments:

arithmetic helped you write this, but the cost you paid for its help was too high. the poem is reduced to a collection of authentic-like phrases from some other poetry consciousness, and all the clock hands, in each line, are set to different hours in different centuries. the mildly fun thing about this is that each line could be the title of some romantic period novel of someone living some period life in period costume.
 — bmikebauer

Thanks for the crit, although strangely construed in your interpretation, it is up to the reader to make of it in what they see, and not for the author to fully deconstruct it for easy understanding, but to provide an atmosphere for which it can hopefully be enjoyed else this would go against the grain of what is poetry, in my estimation of it.
 — matrinh20

it's not up to the reader to make this into another poem. it's up to the reader to find exactly the you which wrote this, so that they can be exactly in the head space you want them to be in from reading this. the ideal headspace, for a poet, isn't space-out, it's wanting to write a poem too -- either back to you ( the second stage of poetry consciousness,) or writing some poem they'd really like to write -- the only real poetry consciousness.

if you didn't really write this -- if it was just words picked randomly from a dictionary, or the ET people spoke it through you, then, yes, it's not your poem and anyone can make it into anything they want.

if you want to provide an 'atmosphere', sell perfume at Macy's.
 — bmikebauer

I like this, it's presented with good contrast and feeling. The weather here and there is always a point of contention, we're never satisfied with what we got for long, and if we don't complain the dogs do.
 — JohnW

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