| Naked Sunshine
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mandolyn
| Tossing in bed. | 1 |
(sheets | 2 |
were always | 3 |
a nuisance) | 4 |
Summer comes | 5 |
each morning | 6 |
with a basket | 7 |
of naked sunshine, | 8 |
sets it | 9 |
upon my doorstep | 10 |
and | 11 |
quietly slips away | 12 |
to | 13 |
do the same | 14 |
to others | 15 |
I suppose... | 16 |
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I could hear myself | 17 |
through the den | 18 |
talking with an empty voice, | 19 |
listening | 20 |
for | 21 |
you. | 22 |
I rub my eyes | 23 |
and | 24 |
set out an extra plate at breakfast. | 25 |
Naked sunshine | 26 |
is always | 27 |
best with milk~ | 28 |
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30 Dec 09 |
Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 8, 10, 10
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(16 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
nicer for me to read about being naked and free in sunshine -- like, the poem in this for me would be sleeping naked outside and having the sun awake you. ( it'd be up to the reader to believe you could sleep out naked and with bugs and all.)
since this is a product using a franchise "mr. sun", i guess it cost something to rent sun at all, and you had to keep it from going too far, getting too fanciful, which would have happened maybe if you'd kept outside in the sun. like, you'd have had to pay for each use of 'sun'. but, really, a little couplet on naked in the sun wouldn't have cost much to write.
— bmikebauer
I also wrote naked sunshine in the sense of Summer being so hot. the more naked the sunshine the more hot in my mind.
— mandolyn
(wait, that would make 'best with milk' horrid. who drinks milk when it is ferociously hot out?)
— mandolyn
nice poem-
maybe you could replace 'milk' with 'orange juice'?
or maybe omit 26-28 altogether?
either way, gOOd write
— JKWeb
naked sunshine is a lonesome light indeed sometimes.
I like this.
— Empty
for me the poem works well without the last two possibly 3 lines.
i love the wistfull trail it leaves.
— billy423uk
not good
— unknown
ice cold milk, you need a COLD reference so the reader isn't thinking clots.
I'm not really getting the sense of you waiting for someone else, you might want to either drop that or make it stronger. Do you need the word "could" in line 17? It sounds past tense, while the talking and listening is present tense, as is rub and set.
Lines 13-16 really detract from this. They sound too tentative. Stopping at line 12 would be good.
I walk through the den,
listening to myself speak
in an empty voice.
Naked sunshine sounds like it needs some orange reference, juice, juicy...
— Isabelle5
haH yes indeed spoiled milk in the heat of the naked sun!
— unknown
cute poem, however i don't like the repeat of naked sunshine. it's mentioned 3 times! aghhhhhh.
ok so line 8, could you just say 'sunshine'
and maybe insert 'naked' in line 10? if you need it that is. i say you don't. but...
no comma in L23, it breaks your flow unless you drop 'and' L24.
yes, the milk is puzzling. i thought of breast initially. ;/
good visuals, i'd like to be there.
— jenakajoffer
You mean it's mentioned 3 times including the title yes?
Yeah, dropping the comma and the the word 'and' would be good.
— mandolyn
btw, I never really liked this poem.
LOL
— mandolyn
yes that's what i mean. i usually include the title as a line in the poem, since it is the key to what follows anyway. =-)
— jenakajoffer
I like the poem cut from L16 down. Solves the other issues, too. Bottom's up to you on O.J., milk, whatever the stork drinks. Nice write. Sorry you didn't like it much yoself.
— NicMichaels
Thanks Nic.
I think after I re read certain things I write, I start to like them less and less...
I dunno...
— mandolyn
Happens to me sometimes, too. That's usually when I go lopping off a lotta stuff because the poem finished with me before I finished with it, and it becomes a process of flogging it like a tired workhorse stuck in the mud with a heavy wagon, instead of like coaxing a stray cat out from underneath a mired wagon.
— NicMichaels
Sometimes it's because you have word music with no heart. Syntactically correct but there's nobody home. Those poems look different from each other, though.
— NicMichaels
"flogging"-- yes perfect word to describe it.
; )
— mandolyn
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— unknown
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