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. Ben’s skeleton
in a box.
He should have known better
than to die.
Now a brood of babies cry,
needled in the ducts
of bloodshot eyes.
Snow falls like vestiges—
Each mist of breath dissipates,
then hide beneath stones.
Ben joins them
by the rope tree.
He swings alone
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19 Jan 10
Rated 7.7 (8.8) by 3 users.
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Inactive (3): 8, 9, 9, 9, 10
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Okay, is Ben a human or pet? I like the coldness of this. I also do like the crosses, how did you do that?
Thanks for reading.
The character 'Ben' was human and based on someone I knew who passed away years ago.
The crosses were a copy and paste thing from Word.
i like this. i would suggest a thing here or there, but i find myself too charmed to mind.
Thanks for reading and the positive feedback.
This reminds me of Bill's grave, the dog with the beautiful iron cross with his name. It's over 20 yrs ago but we all still put stuff there, like flowers, flags, stones, coins.
Was Bill a childhood pet?
Thanks for re-visiting.
Glad you found it interesting.
(by the way) Thanks for reading Sequiturist
JKWeb... you are up to your gruesome self... with a touch of humor this time... while reading this I find myself smiling at your piece thanks for that free smile, and I did not have to go to a car lot... j.g. smiles
thanks for reading and comments
I appretiate it
I like the cross detail, very creative. The poem is interesting. I like the last few lines, "He swung along his branches, his bones." He sends shivers up my spine.
Good Job JKWeb
Thanks for reading and commenting
and for the positive feedback.
Thanks for making this a fave.
nice poem jk,
i like the imagery for sure.
i thought i'd come by and visit you,
and of course, spit out my opinions...?
i have a mind to see this tighter, less said, more provoking
and i wonder if you could just do without line 6. read without it, the voice
becomes much stronger, in a stoic sort of way.
weepy eyes, is kind of sappy. might suggest removal of L9 as well.
L10/12 is that same old simile of snow and ash and ghosts.
'mist of breath'- overwrought imo.
'each breath dissipates;
a ghost of ash
falling beneath stones' seems to sound more natural, and really doesn't change
the point of the poem.
are you strongly in favour of the rhyme scheme? it's kind of catchy in places, and an edit might cut into that a bit, just saying. i'd even do without L18, as bones are typical and expected, and i think the mention of 'branches' to me puts limbs in mind. so, just my thoughts on 'less is more'. take what you will, or nothing at all =-)
nice to read you, thanks for the msg.
Thanks for reading and the suggestions. After reading them, I stared at the computer screen for about 5 minutes and couldn't force myself to make edits at this time...and the kicker is...is that you're probably right. I'll definately come back to this. Thanks again.
definite chill in the isolation, a hurting poem, the reader swinging from the rope tree
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
A few minor edits.
this is both poignant and tender in its rendering of sorrow and even a bit of resentment at what appears to be an untimely and consequential loss.......the true value of one's life is never as obvious as in retrospect......and it is sad that no one knows until then the full impact they've had on others around them.......
great writing once again.......i believe that i am hooked :)
This is good!
Thanks for having a look at this one as well. Gratitude.
Thanks for reading and positive comment.
i dont get it .... sounds deep thoughj
Ben was young and hung himself. the babies were the children that he and his wife never had. thanks for your interest in this one unknown.
Looks like I never answered your question about Bill, the dog, J Webb. I don't even know, this is a grave on the edge of a bean field. A few people remember but I wasn't in the area way back then. It's sweet, though, how children leave tributes.
Sorry about your friend, Ben. I wonder if he changed his mind at any point.
poignant JK - a small town not far from me has it all - see bridgend suicides on Google and wikipedea. grim stuff. mitch :-)
Here's a question someone asked me yesterday - why do people who jump off bridges to kill themselves take off their shoes first? That's who cops sometimes know someone jumped, by the shoes they left behind.
saddness in this writing, ben hasbeen a good friend to jk? this makes my heart
thanks for revisiting Isabelle. Bill the dog must've been much loved. About the shoes--I saw a show where shoes were washing up on shore with the feet still inside. investigators were unable to find the source but found a total of 7 in two years! I think it was happening in Victoria B.C. if I'm not mistaken. anyway, thanks again.
thank you too Mitch. I'll be sure to check out that website.
sad situation it was Liliana. thanks for reading and comments.
2010 and repeats itself in less than 3 years :(
NEAT, how do u make that visual?? I'm curious.
Nice poem, too!