poetry critical

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Legs scuttle and go                   ☼                  
along linoleum                                 ☼
crawling beneath
your fleeting feet                    ☼
scurrying, hurrying
in the murky night                                   ☼
discreet in sheets,
bed bugs bite                                ☼
maneuvering through
your fragrant hair
                                        ☼                 ☼
disturbing—                       ☼
harvest hordes adore
the corn                                ☼
locusts swarm
in pestilent air
stinging winged nests                          ☼
infest the west
cannibalistic mandibles                     ☼           ☼
scare the harem
eggs of bugs hatch catastrophic signs
spawned from history's biblical times

29 Jan 10

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
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Parts of this flow well, others seem forced just a bit.  Did you write this after watching one of the Animal Planet shows about ants and dung beetles?  The little squares are a fun adjunct to the written part.

The last verse sounds almost preachy, can you do something about that?
 — Isabelle5

Thanks for reading and comments.  The "little squares" are supposed to be bugs.  Ladybugs to be specific.  At least that's how they look on my computer screen.  Maybe I should take them out if that's not what you're seeing?  I modified the last verse.  Better?
 — JKWeb

I can only see them as squares.  I love ladybugs, I hope it can be formatted so they can be seen.

Maybe I'm not the one to tell you about the last verse.  I know what you are saying there, it just seems to flat for the movement of the rest.  I really do like the hidden rhymes throughout, it's good reading this aloud.  

Maybe 'when will Man succumb' or someday Man will succumb?  I don't remember how you had it originally!  Sorry!
 — Isabelle5


keep the bugs. i like your little ascii pictures you sometimes add to your poetry.

i agree with isabelle that some of this flows and some is a little jarred. 1st and 2nd stanzas are my favourite. the last is my least. i don't think it is preachy but it is a little weak in it's philosophical statement. i think you should work on this as it could be a keeper with some more editing and polishing.
 — raskolniikov

i see bugs not squares. isabelle, what browser are you using and when was your last update?
 — raskolniikov

Thanks again for re-visiting and suggestions.  I will have to look at this some more.
 — JKWeb

Raskol, I have no idea about your questions.  They give me the computer, update it as they want and I get to play on it all day, asking no questions unless it breaks!  
 — Isabelle5

Thank you too for reading and commenting.  Like I told Isabelle, I will work on it a bit more.
 — JKWeb

J, wish you were a girl, I have a wonderful tiny ladybug purse pattern that I make.  Somehow, I don't think it would go with your soldier suit!
 — Isabelle5

A wallet with Japanese hornets would suffice...lol  ;)
 — JKWeb

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lighting and lightning bug... Mark Twain
this piece is loose and original it its thoughts and makes sense as  it gives thoughts to other more serious implications of the bug world.... I like the lady bugs it gives a touch of art to this piece... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

I do not have a pattern for that, alas!  
 — Isabelle5

im not sure, but don't you mean 'scuttle' instead of 'shuttle' in line 1? and the syllables are rushed at some parts and lacking in others...but the concept is intriguing and informing
 — Ansel

Thanks for reading and  the sharp eye.  Not sure what I was thinking with 'shuttle'.  I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.  
 — JKWeb

Thanks for reading and cool comment.

 — JKWeb

I am bugged by this....  @@@: maneuvering through  
your fragrant hair   9 chewing and gnawing. i like youbugs toO you is buggy

love from the crazy criter.
 — unknown

I musta useed an illegal antennae on my comment cus it deleted part of my reply- either that or the bugs ate it.
so, as i were saying.

 — unknown

unknown crazy critter-
Thanks much for reading and kind comments.

 — JKWeb

i liked it.

for me L24-27 aren't needed. they take too much away from the poem as whole
these in L16 feels too game showy. how about swarming hordes adore;
of something of your own choosing.

love the bugs on the right.  
though not sure if legs roll.

quirky and lighter than it's written.
i like it. thanks for the read.
 — billy423uk

Thanks for reading and commenting.  Made some changes per your suggestions.  Better?
 — JKWeb

yep but it still feels for me that the last 4 lines are forced.
i thing it's because you say they have some intent
and then ask a question.
again for me the poem upto 24 is an observation. it works that way. once
the poem asks a question of intent the whole poem stutters. can you make the last stanza be an ending image. i don't know how lol. maybe mating or something.
where are the millions of eggs, show us how they'll take over in four lines.jmo.
 — billy423uk

Thanks again billyuk...
This ending too heavy?
 — JKWeb

Final edits...I think.  Thanks
 — JKWeb

ewww bugs -- I likem' really -- as a student, not having a lot, an old apartment with linoleum floor'd kitchen and a 70's plush carpet in the living area -- kitchen table - cold-coffee from the day before - I take a gulp and feel something hard on my tongue - it moves scratching at the roof of my mouth - I spew a cock-roach with cold-coffee spittle all over the table - it scurries away - my eyes are wide - I laugh and cry and walk to school feelin' icky all inside... they'd get all stuck in the carpet with their hard-hair'd legs -- like yur' bug story
 — AlchemiA

Thanks for reading and commenting.  Do you still drink coffee?...lol  That's quite a story though I'll try not to think about it at lunch today!
 — JKWeb

 — Empty

Thanks for having a l@@k.
 — JKWeb

Another one of yours I like, especially lines #5, 7, 21 & 22, they seem to have a "bee's knees" "cat's meow" type rhymn I like and use, and the squares are a nice touch as well
 — Redlander

Thanks for reading and the positve feedback.  Like I had mentioned to Isa, those "little squares" are supposed to be bugs (ladybugs) but I'm guessing that they don't show-up looking that way on everyone's screen.  Nonetheless, thanks again.
 — JKWeb

great poem, lively beat, had me tapping my foot.

however, i lost it from L20 to the end.  it just kind of slid away, with the heavy syllablics, i was pulled out of the stompin' tom.  great otherwise, you did marvelously in the first 19 lines, awesome!
 — jenakajoffer

the gimmicks on the right make me question whether i should take this seriously....
 — Sequiturist

Thanks for reading and the positive feedback.  I re-wrote the ending lines a few times.  I like it for now but will probably edit a bit in the near future.
 — JKWeb

Thanks for having a l@@k.  I like to add a little bit of flair sometimes is all.
 — JKWeb

Bugs will inherit this earth. Probably bedbugs.
This is lively little writing isn't it?  LInes 16 thru 19 are a real gasser.
 — ghost

Thanks for reading and the positive feedback.  You might be right.
Est.ratio of insects to humans is 200 million to 1 human.  Also an estimated 400 lbs. of insects/acre in US, to 14 lbs. of humans (yahoo answers)
 — JKWeb

this piece brought me back to New Orleans where the roaches would scurry the moment the light was snapped on.......
you have a great flair for writing and i am going to enjoy reading through your work....
you use words very effectively to convey meaning and create images that are very vivid in my mind as i read....
i am impressed and will read more
 — Tandisol

I can see the airborne medic showing in this poem. I hear helicopter blades looking for the X.
 — NicMichaels

Much gratitude for your positive feedback.  I was visiting a friend in Florida and he had a few "Palamino" bugs scrurrying about.  Though they looked like roaches to me.  He kept his place tidy so I'm guessing it was just the climate and there was no way to avoid having these house guests :J
 — JKWeb

Thanks for reading and commenting.
 — JKWeb

yes, i lived in Florida as well when i was young and i remember the omnipresent palmetto bugs!  like small rodents with hard shells!  they are everywhere in spite of cleanliness!  :)
 — Tandisol

Hey, you changed the ending!  Nice job of revision!
 — Isabelle5

Guess I had the spelling wrong.  Thanks for re-visiting.

Thank you too for re-visting.  Took some revising for sure.
 — JKWeb

You have a talent for writing,there arent many people like you out there
 — Jonnyboy

Thanks for taking the time to read and the nice comment.  That's quite a compliment.
 — JKWeb

note:  jonny says he's 14, how would he know what's "out there".
he's a troll, watch and learn.
 — unknown

we dont need to bring the bus spray out on this one...great job
 — psychofemale

...and thank you again my friend.
 — JKWeb

no prob i just realized i said bus spray LMAO
 — psychofemale

if there's bugs on the bus, ya' might need to fumigate, right?  ;)
 — JKWeb