poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Black and white-67
goeszon

Like shiny pennies, the golden brass cases dropped to his feet in the grass.
 1
Leaned back firing twenty round clips into the green.
 2
Club headed ferns bursting into green stars as they hung, steaming from the blasts of hot lead into the bush. Green
 3
bananas hanging in trees explode from unwanted rounds of fire from careless shots.
 4
Martin had lost his mind, all his weapons were out of control. Kill Viet Nam were his only thoughts.
 5
Then there was quiet on the eastern front, in a moment of madness, Martin had taken his life. A soldiers death in a time of need, he had bought his way home.
 6
 
 
A black man, many strikes against him lost his chance of chances to survive his 12 months. In those early days brothers black and white stood together in the Nam, only later would come division, after the riots in various ghettos of home.
 7
What was the use to fight for a country where he was held down?
 8
 
 
Spread out in a single line without Martin,they
 9
once again tackled a patrol. Short one man, a rifleman, a grunt, missing in the tension.
 10
Laid up somewhere being processed was Martin without the top of his head.
 11
He may have been walking point man that day, a position no man wanted. Except the crazy with that drive to be first.
 12
Walking point was a likely place to pass threw the enemy ambush. That may have been set to divide the men in line at the center.
 13
They were looking for that radio man or an officer to take them out, so it was his ears and eyes that sniffed out the problems.
 14
What the hell were they doing out there playing war for real, Martin, for what, a bullet in the face? Now that I look back in horror to my close calls, those times I skated, I wonder with a tight gut, why those grunts had to pay... J.G. Smiles
 15
 
 
Mike Hendershot 2010
 16

2 Feb 10

Rated 9.8 (8.9) by 7 users.
Active (7):
Inactive (14): 1, 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(150 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

it don't matter about your skin bro. the color of blood is always red
 — unknown

A pint of sweat will save a gallon of blood... George S. Patton... the color of blood is always red going...R.I.P. Martin's
 — goeszon

I would change golden to bright.  It can't be golden, you told us it's brass.  

You might need this to be two or more poems.  Line 2 begins with leaning but you have not changed the noun so it sounds as if the bullet casings are leaning.  

You do need space here.  There is no reason that a long poem can't be posted so you should keep trying.  Short lines are okay if the poem is short but in a poem this long, some long lines are better, especially since they are squeezed so tightly together.   This is very dark, very sad and scary.  It deserves to be treated well.
 — Isabelle5

If I had time, I would edit for you in e-mail!
 — Isabelle5

i did'nt read any of it, but i'm sure it's good.
 — syrossoul

Isabelle I posted it once with breaks and it would not take, odd I thought... there was so much wring to do about Martin that I just went thru it and hope the format would not catch to much hell I agree it was easier with the breaks, also brass looks like dirty gold except when it is new it is shiny like new pennies...
Syrossoul you are funny ! please take the time to read it and come back for a comment... J.G. Smiles
 — goeszon

Interesting poem.  Though I would omit 'considered' in line 8.  I would also replace 'smelled' with 'sniffed' in the 2nd part of line 14.  Otherwise, good write.
 — JKWeb

too much passive voice. I think your grammatical style needs to be more active. This might just be the language student in me... less "were"s and things being done to objects. You want the objects perpetrating the actions. I feel like that's the only way they can rise above the crushing horror... especially Martin, wanting to fight for a country putting him down, he wants to be at the front, doing, not having things done to him...
 — andyleggett

AKWeb I made suggested changes and they look better thanks... J.G. Smiles



Andyleggett I will get to you...
 — goeszon

Andy with my lack of schooling it is very hard for me to implement into my writing and mind all the things you have discussed... although I get the feeling of what you are writing about... I wish I could hit it just once... even by mistake etc. Your comments to me are quite welcome and one of these days I will be able to soar with the eagles... and come around just once in a while... thanks for your thoughts they are welcome... J.G. Smiles
 — goeszon

this maybe got havoc'd up when it got posted into this space -- there's some things, some line breaks you probably didn't intend?

i wouldn't pay any attention to any of these comments -- they're all fidgety moves from people without any blood or experience. there's some things which fall inside the page but it's not a deal-breaker for the story itself: the voice is direct, and it's sometimes happening that a new style can come out of such direct and honest writing.

you worry to much about what people think about you and your writing... this place isn't about writing, it's about school kids after class talking nasty while not saying any nasty words. that's their game. there's enough of us gnarly people here that you can write for us as an audience -- write as far as you can and we'll help you work it back so that ron weasley and hermione granger can read you without being confused or getting a tummy-ache.
 — trashpoodle

Thanks Trash for your forthright comments ... it is always a kicker to read your thought and a learning experience, even though this will cost me something your comments are worth it... I wrote everything without a break then thought is wiser to put in some breaks, but I intend to write as I wish with some edits etc in the further because of lack of space, yes it's the same old thing but a different experience worth telling to those who will here... J. G. Smiles
 — goeszon

I like this piece, written in your unique style.  As for the format, I see nothing wrong with it--it never hurts to play around with formatting, I do it all the time and am often surprised at what comes out.  I agree with Isabelle--this is dark and sad and deserves to be treated well.
PaulS
 — unknown

Forgot to long in and rate :)
 — PaulS

Format is opened now before it was tight, I am always experimenting... thanks for both of your thoughts in regards to this piece... your thoughts and help are always coveted from  professionals like yourselves etc   j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

this story had me blown the first time i read this..... and it still has me blown away....This is a cool and great story
 — Jonnyboy

Thank you Jonnyboy for your interest in this series of events , this is the first time I have ever blown someone away... j.g smiles
 — goeszon

well you can count that as two people being blown away, because i secound that. and i like a unique way of tell such a great story.:)
 — horsegirl

Horse girl... that makes wonderful sense girls love steeds... what a wonderful match... a woman on her horse... a great story? you are too kind girl... it is so hard to stay away from these saga's 0f 1967 without a story, are reflections on those young mans days as most of us were 18, 19 in the wrong place... we should have been on horse instead of tanks etc j.g. smiles and thanks you for your interest
 — goeszon

goeszon - first congrat's on making numero-uno with a bullet here at PC -- you've a visceReal style with memories of the mud 'n blood uber-men trials ... keep working it - write-on
 — AlchemiA

AlcchemiA... thanks for your interest... once again I am dealing with the reality of the life of the ground pounder, the soldier walking... "the Grunt"  this was no doubt played out many times in the bloody fields Of the Rice Bowl Of Asia... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

Nice read, language, imagery... all good stuff.  How it looks on the page is the only issue I have with it.  For me this is a prose poem all the way and would like great in one block paragraph minus the line breaks... just my thoughts.  You should check out some of James Tate's prose poems and how he threw it on the page.  This reminded me of his stuff.
 — jpmhawk

JMP... Prose yes I will admit... almost a short non-fiction story.. yes... 3 poems I think... yes one large paragraph does not turn me on I needed space in stead of one blop... Hey thank you VERY much for your interest at this late date, I enjoy going around the mountain with these pieces... you guys make me feel like I could drink a case and still be standing up Thanks for making my day friend Poet... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

Not really my cup of tea, though I can understand why it's number one. The thick blocks of text were just too much for me and I felt overwhelmed. I think with different syntax I could love this poem.

Also the one misspelling I found really "thru" me off. I don't know if it was intentional, but if it was I definitely don't think it fits with the rest of the piece.
 — ishtarboy300

Ishtarboy300... thanks for your interest right of the bat... I have been miss spelling that word for many years until you helped me an I looked it up and there is no word thru it was just my phonics from jr. high coming thru and that was a long time ago... I had so much stuff to put on the page that I had to do the post many times so I could not space the "chunks" out, if I knew how to cut and paste I would have done it better believe me, there was just too much stuff... thanks for your thoughts and comments... j.g. smiles
 — goeszon

yeah dis cool
 — unknown

this was cool like the cold brass laying around at our feet...   j.g.goeszon
 — goeszon

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