| I finally made it to the high seas Charlie
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OCTOGENARIAN
| the current is my captain | 1 |
I wave to you with sea spray in my hair | 2 |
against the moon | 3 |
we used to dream under | 4 |
up on the top of Wakefield ave. | 5 |
when we were prisoners of the buildings and cement | 6 |
stroke your child's hair for me | 7 |
as I caress the stars | 8 |
wrapped up in the blanket you gave me, | 9 |
before I go to sleep | 10 |
I always wonder what gusts of wind keep your head down now | 11 |
I never could lift it up off the street | 12 |
remember our laughter though Charlie | 13 |
how it bathed us in warmth | 14 |
in the blizzards of our regrets | 15 |
sometimes when the sun hits the water right | 16 |
I swear I see your smile | 17 |
I just wanted you to know | 18 |
it stretches out far across the sea | 19 |
as wide as I remember it | 20 |
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10 Feb 10 |
Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:
I like it, though there are some lines that are confusing. 3-5 have so many adverbs - against, under, up, on top...you might want to consider helping those lines out a bit.
I really like how this poem seems fluid. I prefer punctuation (Quell surprise!) but the way you've fashioned it feels like we are on water, swaying from line to line.
— Isabelle5
i think this is probably a more personal one, but i still enjoyed it.
i especially like "blizzards of our regrets"
and L16-20 although i might change the word "wide" to something more graceful.
— collx
Nice poem. Though I'd be curious to see this broken down into strophes...maybe 3 or 4. Maybe give some pauses. I'd also omit 'it' from line 20. Otherwise, nice write with some nice moves.
— JKWeb
I love the reminisce and feel of this. It's as imperfect as anything I've ever read, but in the good way.
Thanks for your words.
— wendz
Yes this is a very good write!
I would drop a few adverbs...
This is nice.
"wakefield"-- that woke me up.
;)
— mandolyn
thank you all for the comments, i'm glad this was enjoyed
— OCTOGENARIAN
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