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I finally made it to the high seas Charlie

the current is my captain
I wave to you with sea spray in my hair
against the moon
we used to dream under
up on the top of Wakefield ave.
when we were prisoners of the buildings and cement
stroke your child's hair for me
as I caress the stars
wrapped up in the blanket you gave me,
before I go to sleep
I always wonder what gusts of wind keep your head down now
I never could lift it up off the street
remember our laughter though Charlie
how it bathed us in warmth
in the blizzards of our regrets
sometimes when the sun hits the water right
I swear I see your smile
I just wanted you to know
it stretches out far across the sea
as wide as I remember it

10 Feb 10

Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
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I like it, though there are some lines that are confusing.  3-5 have so many adverbs - against, under, up, on top...you might want to consider helping those lines out a bit.  

I really like how this poem seems fluid.  I prefer punctuation (Quell surprise!) but the way you've fashioned it feels like we are on water, swaying from line to line.  
 — Isabelle5

i think this is probably a more personal one, but i still enjoyed it.
i especially like "blizzards of our regrets"
and L16-20 although i might change the word "wide" to something more graceful.
 — collx

Nice poem.  Though I'd be curious to see this broken down into strophes...maybe 3 or 4.  Maybe give some pauses.  I'd also omit 'it' from line 20.  Otherwise, nice write with some nice moves.
 — JKWeb

I love the reminisce and feel of this. It's as imperfect as anything I've ever read, but in the good way.

Thanks for your words.
 — wendz

Yes this is a very good write!
I would drop a few adverbs...
This is nice.
"wakefield"-- that woke me up.
 — mandolyn

thank you all for the comments, i'm glad this was enjoyed

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