poetry critical : poem

I finally made it to the high seas Charlie

the current is my captain	1
I wave to you with sea spray in my hair	2
against the moon	3
we used to dream under	4
up on the top of Wakefield ave.	5
when we were prisoners of the buildings and cement	6
stroke your child's hair for me	7
as I caress the stars	8
wrapped up in the blanket you gave me,	9
before I go to sleep	10
I always wonder what gusts of wind keep your head down now	11
I never could lift it up off the street	12
remember our laughter though Charlie	13
how it bathed us in warmth	14
in the blizzards of our regrets	15
sometimes when the sun hits the water right	16
I swear I see your smile	17
I just wanted you to know	18
it stretches out far across the sea	19
as wide as I remember it	20

10 Feb 10

Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.

Active (1): 7, 8, 9
Inactive (3): 9

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wendz

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Comments:

I like it, though there are some lines that are confusing.  3-5 have so many adverbs - against, under, up, on top...you might want to consider helping those lines out a bit.

I really like how this poem seems fluid.  I prefer punctuation (Quell surprise!) but the way you've fashioned it feels like we are on water, swaying from line to line.
— Isabelle5

i think this is probably a more personal one, but i still enjoyed it.
i especially like "blizzards of our regrets"
and L16-20 although i might change the word "wide" to something more graceful.
— collx

Nice poem.  Though I'd be curious to see this broken down into strophes...maybe 3 or 4.  Maybe give some pauses.  I'd also omit 'it' from line 20.  Otherwise, nice write with some nice moves.
— JKWeb

I love the reminisce and feel of this. It's as imperfect as anything I've ever read, but in the good way.

Thanks for your words.
— wendz

Yes this is a very good write!
I would drop a few adverbs...
This is nice.
"wakefield"-- that woke me up.
;)
— mandolyn

thank you all for the comments, i'm glad this was enjoyed
— OCTOGENARIAN

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