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Love for an old Bastard
jenakajoffer

sometimes i picture myself
 1
sitting with you
 2
in your kitchen window,
 3
your ribs floating in the turquoise shirt
 4
i sent from hawaii;
 5
the one where the palm trees
 6
blow across your chest
 7
whenever you laugh.
 8
 
 
i'd reach across the table
 9
and stroke your cheek
 10
but you'd remain still;
 11
an open window,
 12
skin folded loosely over the chair
 13
as you breathe another coat of frost
 14
over last year's birthday cake.
 15
 
 
i imagine standing in your doorway
 16
watching you mumble
 17
over lemon-scented letters;
 18
a postcard sent when i was twenty
 19
and full of notions--
 20
the one where i called you
 21
father
 22
 
 
your palms would curl inward
 23
and your lips would peel away
 24
from your teeth, as if somehow
 25
you were touched.
 26

26 Feb 10

Rated 9.5 (8.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (9): 1, 4, 6, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(86 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Beautiful write. No crits. Thanks for sharing.
 — NicMichaels

Wonderful!!
OH and nice profile pic.
HA! That is F-r-e-a-k-y! ! ! !
Where dost thou get it?
 — mandolyn

This poem is like those orange flavored dark chocolate candy balls you slam on the table to break open.

Rich, tart, sweet, and bitter....with a bit of agression thrown in under the guise of fun.

I don't know whether to kiss the author or hug her.

Couple it with the new pic, indeed as mandolyn says...and I have quite the image of you now for the weekend.

Thank you for that.
 — PaleHorse

thank you Nic :)
duck, thanks for reading this poem to my poetary father, mikebauer.
got the pic from a friend back home in BC.  great isn't it.

pale but maiden-pinked, i'll take either (not enough goes 'round these days) :)
thank you for the wonderful comments.  terry's chocolate orange and all, you said orange...that means a lot to me considering it's always been the metaphoric symbol of my heart.
yes, that is quite some photo isn't it.  
 — jenakajoffer

Beautiful memorial.
 — unknown

nice poem.
 — hank

Can someone educate me here: There seem to be three ways to post a poem. Name, no attribution, and unknown. This is an example of no attribution on my screen. Nice work, Jen! I see your style now, but on my screen it shows up without your name. I have already added it to my faves.
 — NicMichaels

Nic, the author's name will not appear to you unless you rate the poem.
Since I rarely rate, I can only find the author's name if I scroll down the comments in hopes that the author has made a comment in his/her poem, or if I go to 'list all poems', click on the plus or minus sign for the most recent posts, and find the poem's title.  only then will you know the identity of the author if you do not wish to rate.

As for posting, you can either post anonymously or not.  I am not sure what you mean when you say 'no attribution'.
Hope that helps.

And thank you for faving this poem :)
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks! That's the deal, then. Clears it up. I don't rate, either. Not a big fan of that process. By no attribution I meant "post anon" creates an "unk," and other times that line is blank. That's because I am not rating, and only my own name appears to me in the author's line. Makes sense now. Adding to my favorites is the highest rating I can give, anyway!
 — NicMichaels

I am glad to hear that.  I agree that faving a poem is the ultimate compliment, aside from helpful crits and comments.
 — jenakajoffer

hi linus :)
 — jenakajoffer

reading the first three lines i felt mmm another poem.
still, i carried on and what a surprise. the 3 lines had just set me up for what i found to be an almost ideal piece of poetry.

for me and i know it's a nitpick. i'd change the gerund on L4 to floated.

i loved lines 18, 19, 20.

i really loved (and i don't say it lightly) the 5th stanza lines 23 through 31.

not keen on the for mike, it feels like it's part of the poem and if thats the case it destroys a little for me the reader of what you created. that said you may and probably did write it for him lmao.

one of the best poems i've read since reading here. thank you.
 — billy423uk

thanks billy,
your comments are most generous.

I can't change floating to floated.  I'm 'picturing' him (present tense), so if I had said 'sometimes i pictured myself', that would work, totally.  Perhaps the break after line 3 causes a disjointed feeling?

Love that you loved those lines, thank you :)

I dreamt last night that I agreed to let someone strap me to the bottom of a rocket and blow me into space; that I would be incinerated instantly and would feel no pain.  I wonder if that's how I feel when I write poetry.
 — jenakajoffer

by the way billy, It's been mentioned a few times to get rid of dedications, so I went through my poems and did exactly that.  I mean really, who the fuck cares.
 — jenakajoffer

no really lmao.
 — billy423uk

no one really lmao.
 — billy423uk

this was very different. much enjoyed!
 — psychofemale

It's lovely.  Just a thought, but I wonder if you could make more of the breath as a theme within your poem ie you have blowing and breathing in the first two verses?
For me, lips 'peeling away' evokes a dental or death like image; have I misunderstood?  It takes me somewhere else so the final line doesn't have the impact it might otherwise have.  Anyway, just a personal response.  Hope it's ok with you.  Love riverjay x
 — riverjay

maybe remove 12,
or go: comma "an open window"...
 — DeformedLion

It took a couple years but thanks Linus.
 — jenakajoffer

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