poetry critical

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I could make a ship from your smile
Salamander

and sail across your tears
 1
if only I, first, could hear
 2
 
 
and anticipate why
 3
it was you cried, for
 4
 
 
I am altogether tired
 5
of sifting through
 6
 
 
ambiguous statements
 7
that cannot mean
 8
 
 
anything less
 9
than multiple things
 10

7 Mar 10

Rated 9 (10) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (1): 7, 10, 10

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Comments:

Is line 4 complete? Or missing any words?
The first line seems endearing but sounds a bit cheesy.
I love lines 6-10.
=)
 — mandolyn

dear sal,
please don't pull that trick again.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

sorry, submitted it, so deleted it, got rejected, put it back.
 — unknown

(salamander)
 — unknown

& mandolyn, the "for" in line 4 is syntactically part of line 5, "for I am altogether tired", get it? - sal
 — unknown

i'm sorry to hear that, i cannot see why it would be rejected.
it is just lovely, especially line 4.  that has always been my favourite part of the poem.
 — jenakajoffer

interesting piece.  i think i like it overall :)
 — Tandisol

Ahh I see now.
Yes I had to read lines 3 and 4 over. I do see how "for" plays into L5.
I don't think I saw the comma there before, or something. lol
Yes- this is a good piece.
:)
 — mandolyn

bang up job w/this one!
Line 1: start with "Sail..." not "and".
 — aforbing

i disagree.

'and' not only connects this line with the title (as it stands as the first line of the poem), it also adds an extra syllable which makes the rhythm in this second line, most appealing.
 — jenakajoffer

I think it could go both ways actually...
I still am not hooked on the "sail across your tears" line.
It sounds a bit cheesy- but that is just me- and what the heck do I know?!
hee hee.
=)
 — mandolyn

Brilliant.
 — SarahMichele

i think this poem is, in every possible way, me.
i love this site, look at the things you can find.
 — jenakajoffer

Excellence.  7-10 are perfection.  
 — sybarite

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 — unknown

where have you been slimy?
 — jenakajoffer

if you ever publish this, please forward it to me.  i think this is one of my most favourite poems of all time.  i mean it. (Oct 31/2012)
 — jenakajoffer

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