poetry critical

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on fighting
flourides

a dead sinking hunch,
 1
sack of third grade lunch
 2
was all i needed to put four
 3
knuckles into the chest of bradley b
 4
following a dispute over
 5
whether or not that was a first down
 6
and was i only skipping out
 7
of bounds because i was chicken
 8
right before i hit him i said and meant
 9
'fuck' for the first time
 10
and immediately afterwards i was sorry
 11
bradley b was my friend, who had brothers
 12
that would go on to iraq, to afghanistan,
 13
to buy us beer on bradley's sixteenth
 14
birthday when we hardly knew
 15
what to do with it
 16
at the stop-n-save, one of the brothers said with
 17
a grin that he had nearly died for us
 18
so the least we could do was have a drink with him
 19
it was a logic that i would come to understand
 20
later, as i recalled the buttons of bradley's shirt
 21
and the way they felt when i hit them and
 22
how he didn't even get angry because he
 23
could have pounded me if he wanted and
 24
then i would have been a lot less likely
 25
to have that drink
 26

8 Mar 10

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Comments:

if you wrote this out without the line-breaks would it still be 'poetry'?
 — bmikebauer

ignore the pomposity of the Nazi Bauer.
best way.
 — unknown

it would be a giraffe if i said so, so come off it charlie
 — flourides

I think this evokes concretely that feeling of regret for a childhood mistake. I feel there, so to me this is a poem, and a good one.
 — shd

I would drop the word "even" in L23.
This is good!
:)
 — mandolyn

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 — unknown

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