poetry critical

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Something Yellow

he's soft,
my softer dandelion,
not as cruel in his yellows.
he lent me sunset for the odd season,
tickled buttercup under my chin
and stiffened when I lingered
on his upper lip.
such a fright as we touched
through the waistcoat,
our thighs went cuckoo,
shyness tilted to the floor.
I don't know how to grow younger,
don't know the colour
under his lids,
and my soul is probably old
much older and wiser than his,
but we dressed each other sunshine,
our angel silhouettes
our hearts once rugged,
still pink in love.

18 Mar 10

Rated 9.7 (9.2) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10
Inactive (27): 1, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(90 more poems by this author)

(10 users consider this poem a favorite)

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A potpourri of phrases and images here, lending a frenetic glimpse of what it means to be enamored in love. How wonderful to fall back into this…as time marches on. This is definitely you.
 — PaleHorse

Beautifully written!
 — mandolyn

(HA! I commented before looking to see who's this was, and I knew it was yours!)
 — mandolyn

but i knew it was yours first
 — DeformedLion

getting old


too much we

yellow wewe
 — unknown

Oh boy.  You make me swoooon

The first two stanzas/strophes/whatever are absolute dynamite.  The last one feels a little chunky in places (L22 and L27, particularly).

But girl you is so damn expert.

Write me a letter.
 — aurelius

sweet -- I just tweeted - reality has two eyes looking from inside of you, truth and beauty gleaming with many reflections, mirrors are they too ... like this is a mirror of you looking into the eyes of the beloved .. well done jenk, still punk in love
 — AlchemiA

gosh thanks for the feedback!  i reposted this, as i'm sneaking older ones back on for no good reason except to maybe alter them, get away from my selves.  what was interesting was that i posted it as it always was.  took a minute to read it, then decided to change tense, person, tone...cut, cut cut.  i'm really glad to hear that it had some positive outcomes, i want to do this more, with other poems.

thank you palehorse, definitely cool.
mandee, you knew huh, that's awesome when that happens
linus, the most lemon of all dandelions, nice smile you got there
mr. wee, lo!
aureli--!!  i made some tweakins, thanks for the suggs
alch, mesmerized by the delusion of love and all its grandeur, mirrors are special, thx.
 — jenakajoffer

 — NicMichaels

thank you Nic.

last dandelion of of the season.
 — jenakajoffer

must have a stutter tonight after reading your shu-shut shudders.  hehe.
 — jenakajoffer

Lovely, lovely images throughout this amazing piece of writing.  Stanza 3 rocks--the whole poem rocks but stanza 3 has a distinct appeal that I can't put my finger on.
 — PaulS

wow thanks paul :)  S3 is a lot of monkeying around, and everyone wants to put their finger in the sexy.  they sometimes just aren't aware how dangerous it is.  
but it's fun.  hehe...(i am talking jibberish of course).
this really morphed into something much better than it was, the original is cynical, like i am usually.  i have got to stop with this.

surprised people have faved, thanks 17, Atausiq, luxy.
 — jenakajoffer

this is poetic from lines 1 to 12, then it seems to lose itself in pure descriptive text. though written well, it does not do good example to the first 12 lines.

perhaps it is the move from the observational "he" to the more pluralist "our" that tilts this off balance for me.

lines 2 to 6 are lovely painted washes, and thickly coloured lines. very well writ.
 — jharrison

 — psychofemale

never read anything like this before. love it muchhh
 — unknown

took some of that into consideration fem, but all i decided was a change in 13.  i played with tense as well but this is how it it for now anyway.  thanks for the thoughts.

and thanks psyche and unknown.
 — jenakajoffer

You've created a lovely yellow masterpiece!  Truly wonderful -- enjoyed every word.
 — sybarite

I love you, silver, stunning  jen

 — unknown

thank you sybarite :)
linus always inspires me to write about love and yellow.

thanks too unknown impostor. :)
 — jenakajoffer

lovely =]
 — Callisto

I am just today learning that Emily Dickinson was fond of dandelions. In the news, a botanical garden has planted them in her honor.

The post-humously famous recluse was an avid gardener, and gave neighbors flower cuttings wrapped with poems. Glad she found a way to share her talent.
 — NicMichaels

Without S3, this is perfect. L25 could almost stand on its own. Excellent.
 — Greybird

 — unknown

Gorillas in the Mist?
 — unknown

Vanilla's in the Gist.
 — unknown

All I can say is a lovely piece.
 — ayazwarith

Plus this was the rating.
 — ayazwarith

Wonderful words, poet used a lot of epitets to make this poem more adm issions essay brightful and lightful!!
 — unknown

Tight deadline makes you irritated and you don't know how to act? Listen to professionals and buy college term paper. That would definitely resolve your papers writing problems!
 — unknown

I'd keep 1-3.  4-7 is okay, but 8 is not fitting. 9 makes my skin crawl. Cuckoo?

I'd really like to see the power of 1-3... or maybe 1-7 kept... without whatever it became near the end.
 — aliar

Many people are willing to become successful. Nevertheless they don't understand a right way to do that. I will uncover a secret information for you! Attempt to buy custom essay papers and your high mark is reached.
 — unknown

aliar, thank you for the helpful comments, i really appreciate the insight.

haven't been this here yellow for some time
belated salutations folks, thank you.
 — jenakajoffer

Still love this.  L1-3 are so lovely.
 — sybarite

can I have something in red anyway?
 — unknown

this is soft and beautifully written. good read!
 — behaev

yes but not a strawberry ^

thank you, behave =-)
 — unknown

what a treat. really wonderful poem. ah. lovely. thanks much. Eugene.
 — unknown

The double-roll edition of Starr's greatest hits. Nice wrapper and so soft on the behind.
 — unknown

hmm 8 faves eh, well thank you kindly.  what am i missing??
i still really like the title
but i think this poem was better before it was gutted.

well, thank you for reading and commenting.
Starr's greatest Hits, hehe, cool.
 — jenakajoffer

"not as cruel in his yellows"
 — the0ther24

thanks kindly, Other.
 — jenakajoffer

Old pale and stale.
 — unknown

Goldenshowers Hav motivated poetz 4eva
 — unknown

Nothing wrong with a little wee-wee
 — jenakajoffer

poetry is a culture and a craft. some people are buzzed by a music box, that clingy thing, and think violins are too shrieky.

the critique of a poem based on what it says about something is like saying that you like the tune a music box is playing. sometimes, a music box is delightful. but, to the musical, one first chord of a string quartet is a new world of music.

constantly commenting that someone's poem makes you feel good is really a critique of yourself, of your sensibility. it's a burst of enthusiasm, blind and feeling, and could be said about anything that pops up from the jack in the box, anything which didn't scare you. we all feel this about a poem, but a poet feels something else: how the poet made it work.

what about how the poem was put together? about what the poet kept from saying, holding to the initial image and not yielding to commenting on how clever the image is?
 — trashpoodle

great imagery in this poem...in particular I like the first two stanzas and as an artist I enjoy when words, feelings, and what not are expressed akin to colors.  To me this poem truly expresses a first time doing it situation when everything is fresh and new and a little uncomfortable...a first time leading into a history.
 — CaseyPowers

love this poem too. :) and now it's on my wall on fb.

http://www.brickandmobile.com/mobile-marketing/auto-repa ir-shops/
 — bricknmobile

nice work . .
 — skinner