poetry critical

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jesters and junkies
nemissk8

the tragic comedy
 1
of jesters and junkies
 2
 
 
where sorrow swaddles
 3
the naked wisdom
 4
of the homeless
 5
prophets.  
 6
the battered spirits
 7
and crusty husks
 8
of former
 9
men.
 10
with faces scribbled
 11
in crude
 12
lead
 13
strokes-
 14
frail and passive.
 15
textured skin
 16
rippled with regret
 17
and devoured.
 18
 
 
the constant grey
 19
of jesters and junkies.
 20
 
 
those awaiting tomorrow
 21
to redeem themselves
 22
for today
 23
and a million
 24
yesterdays.
 25
 
 
     what could have been
 26
     how it oughtta be
 27
 
 
the joke
 28
is what
 29
they’ve
 30
become.
 31
 
 
warm vodka
 32
and brown bag dreams
 33
bus stop bunks and dinner ala dumpster
 34
frayed overcoats
 35
dragging
 36
behind wobbley-wheeled shopping carts
 37
paint bucket drums
 38
and spare change symbols
 39
kids with forgotten birthdays
 40
ex-wives with new last names.
 41
 
 
eyes screaming
 42
despite
 43
idle
 44
tongues.
 45
 
 
the rotten sarcasm
 46
of jesters and junkies.
 47

20 Mar 10

Rated 9 (9.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

a stroll on venice boardwalk...
 — unknown

Intriguing write.  Though I'd omit lines 2 and 21.  Not that it's a huge deal but maybe consider some extra line-breaks in 33-37.  Of course, it's up to you.  Either way, good one.
 — JKWeb

thanks JK. i took your advice and made some changes.
 — unknown

written from a special vocabulary list out of a dictionary and directly to the page with hardly any mind modulations except 'add another ironic thing to say'.
 — bmikebauer

bmikebauer  
im not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but thanks for the read.
 — unknown

Bauer is implying that you did an exercise, something along the lines of random words plucked from the dictionary and crafted into a poem without genuine thought. There is such an excercise, name escapes. I don't think it was a compliment. My only crits are poems this long rarely keep my interest, and I think the author is a little too emotionally distanced for the nature of the write.
 — NicMichaels

NicMichaels
i hear ya with the legnth thing. i actually intended for this to be longer than my usual poems because i never write something this long really. i begin the poem with a concise voice, but i tried to fan it out as it went along.
 — unknown

this isn't a long poem for anyone who's look at poetry before. what's happening in it for me is that the voice is too distant from the author's consciousness -- it's as though this were written for admiration and not out of any intuition on why people actually act the way they do.
 — bmikebauer

it was meant to be the voice of an observer with intentional ignorance and presumptions about these people's consequences. its judgmental, but it represents the perspective of many people who dont understand these characters.  
 — unknown

it makes for comedy club. a lot of people get confused about poetry, thinking that it's any spontaneous and smart thing, but it's actually an intuitive thing, like talking to the stars, where you simply talk the words that you can talk -- you don't art-around or lie about your own feelings. there's so much pain in a statement like this, but it comes off like a sermon in some preacher church instead of a moment of truth.
 — bmikebauer

i feel ya
 — nemissk8

that's that banana in my pocket. try the guy on your right.
 — bmikebauer

wha?
 — nemissk8

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — NicMichaels

So yeah, me n Bauer said the same thing in different ways: Too distanced to move the reader.
 — NicMichaels

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