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Interrogation
thesilencing

Liquid treason pours through this funnel,
 1
there's machinery controlling your every move,
 2
and your eyes are welling up with fear.
 3
I roll mine, to show you how much I don't care.
 4
 
 
Like some Leonardo diagram, you lie spreadeagled
 5
on the table. There is sunshine in your chest,
 6
and purity sears through your jagged veins, as they
 7
carefully extract your perfect little teeth.
 8
 
 
The search for the truth brings disaster.
 9
Your lascivious skin peeling inch by inch
 10
and your insides screaming 'lechery', only to prove
 11
that the core of your heart holds tiny pips of innocence.
 12

Inspired by Sarah Kane's 'Cleansed'.

Edited 04/04, better?

23 Mar 04

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 9

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Comments:

Liquid treason....wow.  That's quite an image.  I also like how you said 'this' funnel.  Not 'a' funnel.  You gave it more meaning.

l2 - I think I would take 'there's' out , unless it's really there for a specific reason.  

l4 - loving this.  I don't know if you need the comma.  (unless it's for pause and then I understand, except I think a line break may be a better way to express that pause...ok, I see how that would screw up the rest of it by making it more than four lines...so maybe you should just leave it!)

l6 - love the image of 'sunshine in your chest'.  

l7 - 'flows through your veins' has been so overused.  Can you think of anything stronger to put here?

l11-typo.  screaming.

l12 - pips?  I get it, I just don't hear that word very often.  That's a good thing though.  

Have you ever seen the show 'Alias'?  It's one of my favorites and you have done a great job of describing a scene that could be from that show, so I'm sure you did 'Cleansed' justice.  The picture in my head shows me the woman that is being tortured, what she's wearing, the color of her hair, the blood from the corner of her mouth after a tooth was extracted, the black of her eye coming to the surface as it swells.  This leaves me wanting to know the characters more.  I wonder if you could add to this and make each of the three above stanzas a narrative that comes between descriptions of the characters involved.  Maybe more work than you would want to put into it, just an idea.  

As always, wonderful job of being descriptive and pulling your reader in.  I see you've posted 'Comatose' today and I'll go read it now.  
 — amy

I think the actaul characters are best left to the imagination.  I love the image that i get from this poem.  the comparison to a 'Leonardo diaqgram' was an awesome choice.  
 — deafndumb

Well thankyou for all the niceness, amy and deafndumb. Cleansed is a play in which the characters live in a university and are manipulated by a doctor called Tinker. He puts them through torture and Hell, and they all end up being significantly different people by the end of the play (literally). Kane wrote this play because of a quote she heard, comparing enduring love to Auschwitz, and showed this through a Holocaust type situation. This poem stemmed from that in a way, with my own little stamp on it.
 — thesilencing

Changed. Here is the original.

Liquid treason pours through this funnel,  1
there's machinery controlling your every move,  2
and your eyes are welling up with fear.  3
I roll mine, to show you how much I don't care.  4
    
Like some Leonardo diagram, you lie spreadeagled  5
on the table. There is sunshine in your chest,  6
and purity flows through your veins, as they  7
carefully extract your perfect little teeth.  8
    
The search for the truth brings disaster.  9
Your lascivious skin peeling inch by inch  10
and your insides screaming 'lechery', only to prove  11
that the core of your heart holds tiny pips of innocence.
 — thesilencing

Your edit is great.  I think sears works so much better than what you had.  You have a great talent for picking just the right word.  
 — amy

Its horrible, if i do say so myself. It sounds to me, like you are craving porn.
 — unknown

I can almost picture a medical examination table, determining if you have some dire disease.  
 — Isabelle5

Rather overwritten. Pull it back some.
 — junky

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