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Pieing
jenakajoffer

i've spent more time
 1
than a pocket can mend,
 2
chipping your crust from
 3
around me
 4
 
 
you've gone the ways you went,
 5
mourning your wife's
 6
best pie; a marriage of hops
 7
and rhubarb, preserved as one
 8
testaceous grudge
 9
 
 
i learnt to grift nearest
 10
to dearest you, dip coins
 11
in salmagundi,
 12
grizzle you to the ground
 13
half to death
 14
 
 
the cross are like this,
 15
as bitter would have me taste
 16
this taste is you–
 17
heartburn and vinegar
 18
spilt upon your sullen self,
 19
but worse.
 20

30 Apr 10

Rated 9.5 (7.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (10): 1, 1, 1, 4, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

L4 made me laugh,
Grizzle= as in whine
I trip on 9-11.
I had to look up grift, nice word.
Hard shell crust....?

It's ok. Not your best.

m-m
 — unknown

NIce one.
 — psychofemale

of course 4 would make you laugh!
grizzle is used as 'beat someone' as defined in the urban dictionary. ;)
sorry about the trip on 9-11, think it's my favourite part seeing how i mixed in the booze there.  if i can smooth it out i will.  thanks so much for reading :)

thank you psyche :)
 — jenakajoffer

this is the "more" I was looking for!  I love the way your noodle spews... salmangundi, testaceous, grift... colorful story with some nice bite.

For fun, try replacing the "he"s with "you"s, might but your bite marks more squarely on the ass.  Very nice write!
 — jpmhawk

put instead of but
 — jpmhawk

The irrational value of Pi(e)... math twist
 — jpmhawk

hey, i took your advice, what do you think of the you's?

palehorse totally gets credit on those cool words that I would never think of. :)
 — jenakajoffer

yes, cool  i thought of the math twist, even though i suck at math, he's really good. (he should be italicized) thanks hawk.
 — jenakajoffer

I like it better... more pointed emotional immediacy... wait, I don't talk like that... it is more powerful when you address him to his face
 — jpmhawk

well, i made some changes tonight, as i expected i would.  what say you, m?

thanks again jhawk, you made me laugh there with your last comment :)
 — jenakajoffer

ps.  thank you for the title prompt.  i think it's cool, makes me think of 'trying' and 'pining' as well, which makes sense.
 — jenakajoffer

I like L5-L6.  "we've spent more than a pocket can mend."

Dunno about L7:  I'd say try to stretch the "time" association beyond "years".  Sorta predictable that way.  You could even fold it back into L5-L6

"We've spent more (time/years) than a pocket can mend."

L8-9 .... buhh... messy melodrama doesn't help.

Don't really care for much else.  Doesn't seem like this write was realized.

I'd work on the "We've spent..." idea and the concept of pies.  Or a relationship of pie to... well, a relationship.

Lattice work or something, I don't know.  I am making myself hungry.

I should make a pie.  I hate store pie.  I hate all cake.  

Rhubarb can be interesting in pie.  I like rhubarb.  The plant.  The word.  The taste is an acquired one.  

What the fuck is up with vinegar though?

That is strange.

I should sleep.
 — OldShoe

i sure would be a happy horsey if i was pale.


4-6. 6. 6. is wonderful.

linus
 — unknown

should be peeing. >.
            ;          &nbs p;       .
            ;          &nbs p;       .
            ;          &nbs p;       .
            ;          &nbs p;       .
 — unknown

ok, i think......its heartburn.
As my prize i would like a speedboat
Thanks.
 — unknown

gone before I can comment.....again. :)~

grifting stanza was superb.

I'll follow this up. With fervant bliss...
 — PaleHorse

oldshoe, thank you for the great comments.
you must not know the ancient pie tip for tender crust.  well it's vinegar, silly shoe.  
not that i make pie, hence the poem, i just know a lot about foodstuffs, besides i love cake..i am cake.   and thank you again.

unknown, you can have whatever prize you wish.  :)

palehorse, hope you can return to the new poem.  thanks so much. :)
 — jenakajoffer

Duly an improved version. This flows so much better now. But in that regard, the heartache and anguish is much more apparent.

I'm on a quest now, to find the ala mode to sweeten the mood.
 — PaleHorse

Nice poem well writ for the most part.  Though do you need line 13?  Also line 14, should 'are' be 'is' or should 'cross' be 'crosses'?  Otherwise, nice.  Though I am partial to cheesecake.
 — JKWeb

thank you ponyboy!  sorry about the heartache part, but i'm looking forward to tasting the end of your quest (ew sorry was that rude?)  i mean, ice cream and poems and all.  hehe.


hi Jk, line 14 'the cross' means people; angry regretful people.  i had hoped it would also make one think of the cross on a pie or lattice work.  i hope that helps the read.  i love to the ground but since i broke the line up it doesn't look or sound very good now, so Ill fixie.
thank you for your thoughts, very much. :)
 — jenakajoffer

I got the lattice thing. Extended metaphor works for me. Have to laugh if you wrote this without reading the pie poem I posted the other day, "Cut." I'm in good company, anyway.
 — NicMichaels

Coming back (since you're not satisifed) this would read better if you backed off it a bit, and also helped us out a little with the x-meta of the pie (not everybody bakes). Example S1 "dough pockets" in L2, "chipping the crust of you/around me--" L3,4. I love how voluptuous and earthy "testaceous grudge" is. Cool.
 — NicMichaels

Nic, thanks for returning.
I'm stumped on what you mean by backing off it a bit.  Could you elaborate a little?
I see you're asking for more baking clarity, but that would only add to more words, making it...word-pie?  i have to be satisfied with it because i've reworked it already-- gulp.  what i liked about yours was the directness of the voice; command.  
 — jenakajoffer

Might be I had some emotional distance from the subject because it was a friend's experience I took and embellished. The command thing. By back off I simply meant some economy like taking out "you've built" and writing "of you." Less clunky's all. To your ear of course. Looking for your tater poem.
 — NicMichaels

thanks Nic, i did use your suggestion for the third and fourth lines, so let me know if it's an improvement, i appreciate your thoughts.  thanks again!
 — jenakajoffer

Girl, go and get published! Go!

:)
 — mandolyn

Nice.
 — NicMichaels

The edited version proves a worthy read for these cynical eyes. I see you are as one. The lines in particular that move me are14-19---youve really nailed the ending. What doesn't seem to fit with your realization of pieing is salmagundi---why not dip ccoins in jam or meringue for that matter (you could see the pie in the face)! Thanks for writing you know I love your poetry, Jen.
 — unknown

I'd get rid of the "revised" now.
Looks good
 — unknown

thanks Mandee, Nic, Unknown - this proved to be a great challenge. :)
 — jenakajoffer

I laughed. Good analogy ^__^
 — Callisto

thanks Callisto :)
 — jenakajoffer

still waiting for your ala mode, ponyboy.
it's been almost 6 years. did it ever arrive?
;)
 — jenakajoffer

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