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morning run (revised)
Ananke

Sometimes when I run the earth feels hollow
 1
as if I would birth a god from it with my pounding,
 2
fists tiny and railroad driven,
 3
as if it would rift open in the birthing
 4
and a canyon rise to meet me
 5
 
 
And I stumble and break.
 6
I am pieced with glue,
 7
fused, unfitted, translucent cracks.
 8
 
 
Sometimes in escape I feel hollow.
 9
You, kneebent and potter-handed,
 10
will dig in too quickly. I will crack and
 11
shatter again upon Your mud-ready wheel.
 12

23 Mar 04

Rated 1 (7.4) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (17): 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10

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Comments:

pretty good..i like it
way to go!!
 — Blood

love it... good job
 — gothicsin69

Stanza 2 rules.
 — generalized

total sweetness
 — Adrielle

pretty good, do finish. its worth the work
 — reet

Wow!  You really have a talent.  I have added this to my favorites.  I love l2.  I love how you have a period in the middle of l3.  If this is unfinished, I can't imagine what the finished piece will be.  I seriously LOOKED for something I would change or expound upon...the title is the only thing I would do anything with.  I will give you a 9 now and change it to a 10 if you come up with a good title.  I would love to see more of what you have written.  I love your style.
 — amy

OK, so I wasn't paying attention that you have 23 more poems!  I'll check them out!  Also, I wanted to say that I think the site has been taken over by a high school and it was so nice to read something that had depth.
 — amy

Reads a bit like a monologue to me, which isn't a bad thing. Just a bit 'gasp and melodrama' but seems to have good things in it. Think it's just the pacing or? Anyone else? There's definitely something there though.
 — badger

badger, is it the word pairs like "kneebent" "potter handed" "mud ready" "glue-stuck" "railroad driven"? I was thinking I had too many of those, and they kind of make it feel to me the way you're talking. I don't know. I'm still working on this a lot, but I wanted to get feedback on what I already had.
 — Ananke

i think this is amazing. I'm really really really excited to see where you take this.

handed/ hands
birth/birthing..

those pairs.. the repetitions aren't working for me right now.
 — beatbitch

I love this poem. A suggestion I have is to maybe tie the imagery associate with clay back into the last stanza. either way, it's beautiful.
 — omega

p.s. baby girl. change the title.
 — unknown

"kneebent" "potter handed" "mud ready" "glue-stuck" "railroad driven" are the best parts.
 — onklcrispy

If you really meant the question of your title, consider "The screeching of a chalkboard."
 — unknown

Chalkboards don't screech. doh.
 — unknown

heh - like the title, cool wording :) love the poem really.
[personally, i think it's far better than mine ;)]
 — picklypickle

That's what it sounds like, a "screeching" noise.
 — unknown

I just revised this. I don't know. It feels more together now, but it's not what I intended it to be (yet?). Here is the old version:

Sometimes in escape I feel hollow.
You, kneebent and potter handed,
will dig in too quickly. I will crack and
shatter around your mud ready hands.

I am glue-stuck, pieced
unfitted, translucent cracks.

Sometimes when I run the earth feels hollow
as if I could birth a god from it with my pounding,
fists tiny and railroad driven,
as if I could break it in the birthing
and a canyon rise to meet me.
 — Ananke

I love it. It has a consistent overall feel to it. Your choices of images and words fit together nicely.

I feel like you've taken me there.
 — rob

My favorite of yours, and the reversion of the stanza order in the edit is very helpful, as are all the changes.

Does something else happen after the end? I feel like the moment of shattering might be the ideal moment for this character to speak; like the point was not the shattering but what they had to say. The poem not ending with a collapse but a line sent off tangent to its orbit.

Really that's just a wild conjecture, though.
 — eajohnson1

This has a nice start and then slowly derails.
 — collyrium

stanzA 2 is the best
 — unknown

i like this
 — Brandxxx

line 2 - I've never seen the word "birth" used as a verb.  I suppose that could be part of your local dialect?  The imagery of the line is splendid though.  My real grief with this line is that it seems loosely connected to the first.  I was wondering if you maybe should change hollow to "hallow?"  That would make some sense with the whole producing a god thing.

line 6 - You shouldn't start with and here because the last one started with and.  That just doesn't work for me.  

You have a lot of interesting imagery but it all seems to fizzle out by the end.
 — Resonanz

This is good, could be expanded as it kind of gives a feeling or "more"
 — BlkJeans

From lines 9-12, you slowly lose credibility......
 — themolly

mmm..

this is good.


I like it... and a lot.



very, very nice.
 — misspanda

and bang, there's a good poem
 — dedication

Frambesia !
 — unknown

pretty good - line 2 urks me.
 — WordsAndMe

Well done.
 — Kauf

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