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Unseeing eyes
thevoid

The first time I read a poem in blank verse was when I was a child. It facinated me. I loved the feel of it. To read sentences that in no way rhyme, yet sound more poetic than their rhyming counterparts? Almost makes the rhymes seem too flashy for substance. Blank verse is pure, unadultrated, straight, and in that purity, there is immense poetry. I loved it for it’s spirit, and for it’s creative liberty. This is my first poem in blank verse.

Outside the window, the sunset passes by
 1
 
 
like the soft fleeting notes of a flute
 2
 
 
riding the wind through the meadow
 3
 
 
hoping to be caught by surprise.
 4
 
 
The sun dips down low, under the blanket of the horizon.
 5
 
 
Tired and spent, yet graceful in retirement.
 6
 
 
Birds on the wing, fly to their nests
 7
 
 
silhouetted against the orange-blue sky.
 8
 
 
The clouds, once dull and grey, turn a fiery red
 9
 
 
like brilliant strokes of paint on a pale canvas.
 10
 
 
Their moment of glory, before they pass on into the night
 11
 
 
unseen, unnoticed, uncared for.
 12
 
 
 
 
 
 
A pair of unseeing eyes
 13
 
 
devoid of spark or soul
 14
 
 
they gaze from the other side
 15
 
 
enclosed in walls built to separate
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yet with windows that bring hope.
 17
 
 
But the eyes, they merely glance, merely flicker
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momentarily they grasp the true splendour
 19
 
 
the beauty, the serenity
 20
 
 
the majesty of it all.
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And in the crack of a twig
 22
 
 
under the foot of a squirell
 23
 
 
in the flap of the wings
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of a soaring eagle
 25
 
 
in the leap of a frog
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from the rock to the water
 27
 
 
in the blink of an eye
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they forget.
 29

13 May 10

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Comments:

Very nicely written. It seems that the glory of the world around us is often fortotten in the blink of an eye when our own emotional and mortal self is engaged in self pity and depression.
 — JohnW

this beautiful, it flows magnificent
 — psychofemale

this is*
 — psychofemale

you have a prosaic soul and that's why you feel that your poetry here is more real than 'poetry'. what you're doing is telling a story using the natural cadences of conversational language. the only problem is, is that that kind of talking depends on a dialog with a listener or it sounds like a dictation. there's a lot of arty phrases in this, but no great thought shown, and that can only be shown by the rhetorical contrasts of phrase against phrase, not 'intention against intention'.

nice prose work... paragraphed out, it could work in a harlequin romance as the florid introductory passage before the prose got down to the nitty-gritty.
 — bmikebauer

@johnw: Thank you. Yes, I feel that we have forgotten how to appreciate that which is being constantly perpetuated in our existance. We have filled our heads with knowledge of it and we think we've seen it all, but in that thought, we close ourselves to the experience of it's ultimate beauty. Unseeing eyes. Seeing without observing. It's perpetuation day after day, moment after moment is something I think we should be grateful for. Instead we choose to dwell on the mundane.
 — thevoid

@psychofemale: Thank you! Glad you liked it.
 — thevoid

@bmikebauer: Thank you for your honest criticism. I appreciate it.

But let me just say, I'm not here to improve upon anything. I'm not here trying to become better at this. I'm here only to share some of what I write with people who like to read it. Purely for your pleasure. So if you enjoyed it, that's all that matters. I'm not striving towards a goal or some kind of perfection. As I've felt it, so I've written it. There may not be 'great thought' shown, but I have an idea to share, and I like to keep it simple. It's not a battle of wits. It's art. But of course, this is PoetryCritical, your criticism is welcomed.

I don't only write in blank verse. In fact this is the only one so far. Hopefully I'll upload some of my other poems soon. I often adopt the narrative style even when I rhyme. Maybe I do have a prosaic soul, but to me, this is still poetry.
 — thevoid

this is good, this is really good....
 — arpit

sharing your work in a poetry workshop means it's up for crit, and we'll work it to see if there's anything to the poet and the poem. you don't have a chose: you're a creator talking with other creators... it's not a run-way fashion show.
 — bmikebauer

@bmikebauer: lol! like I said, criticism is welcomed and much appreciated. I may/may not pay heed to it. But that's an entirely different matter. Thank you once again.
 — thevoid

criticism is the only reality in poetry critical -- it's the sarcophagus of emo and rad.
 — bmikebauer

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 — unknown

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