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Evon
jenakajoffer

i have only a horse
 1
only live as starvation--
 2
 
 
Ku operates the ground
 3
as men forbid our
 4
harvest.  sons of Seaton
 5
scatter, my gold a-raft
 6
the river.
 7
 
 
below its lip
 8
i do not feel famine;
 9
my horse cannot hide his,
 10
cannot draught through floating ears
 11
of grain.
 12
 
 
with the field forward and Ku
 13
flooding the damned,
 14
i gurgle the mouth of the river,
 15
hold a corncob in the air
 16
feed him death.
 17

17 May 10

Rated 9.5 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (2): 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Cool poem indeed.  Line 21, maybe  'hold a corncob in the air' without the 'to'.  Otherthanthat, nICE.
 — JKWeb

i am blond with brown bits. yes, i posted this by accident, was working on the draft in the space bubble here.  oh well.

thanks jk, i will keep it, and i will be making further edits.
 — unknown

neat one
 — psychofemale

it's evolving.  
so hey, did you know it used to be called civony?
 — unknown

I am not your horse.
 — unknown

14 - 17 kills me, well done
 — stout

i drowned to save that damn horse.  thanks :)

hi stout, hehe.  thanks. :)
 — unknown

compelling narrative, but I got hazy on the shifting personification at times, as in L/18.

But ironically, that's the appeal here too.

As always
 — PaleHorse

you could be the pale horse of this poem!  hehe.
the poem is still speaking of the horse, though i realize i did not keep it a clear personification throughout, so yes, it should be feeding the horse death, but it could be for the Ku as well, both ways, it works; the crop, the soul, all rotten.

thanks as always ponyB. :)
 — jenakajoffer

I fail to make some connect here to the evon/Seaton/Ku.  It feels a bit obscure in relation to everything else going on.  That isn't necessarily a bad thing as I can say I am interested in knowing, though I may be missing the mark on it entirely as the only relationship to Ku I could make was Hawaiian War God: Ku-ka'ili-moku.  

L2 - Without much more supporting the term "account" it feels like a dead weight in the line.  It would require too much telling for it not to feel that way. It would require the  "an account of this..." scenario for it to work if I am thinking of the usage you intended.  Perhaps consider working another word in there.  Something like "motions" - 'only live the motions', if that doesn't lose anything.  Something else entirely.

Besides this though, I like some of the moves you are making with the language.  "below its lip i do not feel famine; my horse cannot hide his, cannot draught through floating ears of grain" / "i gurgle the mouth of the river, hold a corncob in the air - feed him death"

A side of me wants to say that some of it feels stripped bare of what might have been there prior to some edits?  The words seem to cut short where they might have trailed on further.  I don't mind that so much either.  It's like the bruising that gets left behind after you knock a basket of apples from the counter.  

You can't really see the event in its entirety again, but just bear witness to the aftermath.

L1 might be enough with "i have only a horse"... dropping the "in evon" as I don't see that doing anything, though like I said, I don't get the evon reference at all really in the first place.

What is the "sons of Seaton" reference?

This does invoke some interesting images.  Not necessarily in what it spells out, but rather in how it is akin to the way I feel about amputees, about shadows, fossil outlines, impressions of footprints in the snow... how sometimes what is scarcely present says more about what is not present than if everything were positioned perfectly under the sun.

Of famine and flood, of a river thick with grain, caught in the rapid throes of a world that is indifferent at best, drowning in its abundance.

This almost feels like a genealogy too.
 — OldShoe

Old Sock, his is why I love this godforsaken place.  Thank you for such an awesome critique.  You have said too much for me to tap into at this time, but I just wanted to reply with my appreciation and let you know that I took your advice in the first lines.  
 — jenakajoffer

*this* is why...
 — jenakajoffer

Shit, I clicked something and lost my entire ranting post.  Never-the-less-of-more-re-written-nonsense-from- the-jabber-jaw:

Interesting change.

Now for some reason I am wanting to read the opening as "i only have a horse / only live -- as starvation".  I guess why I am reading it this way, or even suggesting such a change is that since you have removed some of the first few lines, what I feel is happening is it is leading towards a direction where the "i" is beginning to embody the whole experience, everything really.  That is a good thing.  I like how it seems to encompass it all... the famine, the horse, the river, the glutton -- the mouth -- filled with grain till one can no longer speak nor breathe, even embodying -- death -- the hand and the cob, and I'd love to see it pushed so.  A simple change of arrangement, but I think perhaps pertinent enough to consider?

Hence, 'i only have'... and therefore, the 'only live' is redirected back into that 'i' with a bit more force, and you can drop the "we".

I really do like what this is doing language wise, and I enjoy having my way with the lines, filling a few pieces back in where the limbs were amputated.  That it offers such a space, in the discourse, to me, drives home that something happening through the poem.  It is inviting me to complete the etchings on the wall.

Obliged to swim in the spillway.
 — OldShoe

Ku de gras, or ku de tas?

Draught is an interesting word in this poem, almost a play on "drought" but when spoken rhymes with "raft." I love the way stuff like that comes together.

Missed this post, but went ahunting your name 'cause I hadn't heard from you in awhile.

Nice setup.
 — NicMichaels

  i like the way it works not only literally but also figuratively.
 — manuka

dear sock, i've enjoyed listening to you rant over this. thank you.  it would more than likely ruin the poem if I gave you any hints about it, so i think it's best i don't.  looks like i will have to answer Nic though, about "Ku" but it will be vague.  i think it's great that you mentioned genealogy.  would you care to elaborate on how you would push this?  
 — jenakajoffer

Hi Nic,
just been quiet in these parts as of late.  thanks for reading.

Ku is referring to a medieval "Count"-- fictional by name, yet the psychology of events are rather non-fictional.

thank you also manuka
 — jenakajoffer

Genealogy not in a literal sense but perhaps more of a metaphysical sense.  

I just felt there were things happening here that rose above the base definition of names, or that posed questions about what is a name, or a title, or a being.

Essentially, just a challenge against the 'naming of things'.  

Out of a cave an echo, "trace it back, trace it back."

As I said, I didn't understand the whole Evon/Ku but I didn't need to, and the writing seemed to suggest that those were transient vessels.  You only inhabit them for a fraction of a moment before passing on to the next to gain access into what you were to begin with or what you are also, what you are now, what you will be too.

And then those amputations, feeling with what is not present.  

It occurs when I read the third stanza, I start to fill the names of things in.  Like the names have been plucked like blossoms from the tree and the tree now no longer has limbs.  

I read:

"my horse cannot hide his ___________ [shadow] / cannot draught _______ [enough] -- [air]/[water] -- through floating ears / of grain."

flooding the [dam][ned]

and there is a certain interplay that is going on that is just under the wavering surface ...

horse-hide - a physical thing - and dead - death - shadowy still

ears of grain - of the horse - alone - and floating - some sort of sensation as though one were to breath through this - a cavern with which to draw the world - a mix of sensations - to hear life - or death

and the corncob was just fitting - the direct - 'feed him death' - strong

again why i so want the 'i' to become starvation as well, to challenge that sense-ability

the writing owning an intention beyond your own

it can happen like that, sometimes
 — OldShoe

yes, oldshoe, it certainly can.
thank you for this.
 — jenakajoffer

In my version it reads: "I have only a horse / only live -- as starvation"

But that is because I am a jerk who wont give up on what he sees.
 — OldShoe

Another 10.
The last two lines are excellent. Bravo Jen. :)
 — mandolyn

Oh hey mandolyn! Thank you belatedly!
 — jenakajoffer

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