poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Flight Of The Escaping Goldfish
larrylark

Swimming swift as minnows,
 1
fins beat downy feathers
 2
against a gentle breeze.
 3
We grew, barely squeezing through
 4
gaps beneath sachet’s of windows,  
 5
soft scales coated in deep gold gloss.
 6
Brilliant sheen suffused moss filled lawn;
 7
sight obscured by saturating sunlight.
 8
 
 
We believed we were sleek as salmon,
 9
free as soaring birds
 10
among rarefied realms of oxygen.
 11
Too soon we reached
 12
the shallows of thinning air,
 13
higher than mountain tops.
 14
 
 
Later we thrashed through puddles clogged with silt,
 15
dull eyed and wilting we had fallen to earth,
 16
Blood covered hooks ran close by our bated breath,
 17
Barely a stir to ruffle gills stuffed with feathers
 18

23 May 10

Rated 8.3 (8.2) by 15 users.
Active (15): 6, 10, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 1, 2, 4, 7, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

would you be very offended if i gave you a 10 larry?
 — manuka

Hi manuka you have given me the best laff i've had today and by god i need a laff after having, as a Prestonian, had to endure our deadly football rivals Blackpool's ascent into the premier league. My advice...don't ever give me 10 cus it goes straight to my head and most of my stuff aint worth a crock of shit. Bless you my friend.

Larry laff and the world laffs with you Lark
 — larrylark

Intriguing poem nicely writ.  Though maybe combine lines 8-9:
'bird table, fish pond, beyond?'
or maybe you don't need those lines at all?
Otherwise, really enjoyed reading.
 — JKWeb

Hi JK

Thanks for the perceptive insights which have helped me take this toward.

Larry open ended Lark
 — larrylark

Had another read.  Even better the 2nd time 'round.
 — JKWeb

good job!!!
 — psychofemale

Well i guess some things repay close scrutuny JW

Larry micro Lark
 — larrylark

Feathers.
 — unknown

And feathers to you to

Larry feathery dust ups Lark
 — larrylark

I always go for seconds JW. It all looks different the second time around
 — larrylark

larry shall i give you a 10 by 1 the 2nd time around lark,

wow, this is well-writ with flighty images.

fractal ruffled to the core
; )
 — fractalcore

I'm so flighty fractalcore that my dizziness is caused by trying to eat sea weed 100feet obove sea level

Larry bird man perched Lark
 — larrylark

I love this... fantastic writing
 — vida

Yes vida

it is also nonsensical. Who ever heard of flying goldfish

Larry sroking his fins while circling the church steeple Lark
 — larrylark

Larry, I love your original and beautiful poem. Consistently good all the way through - it's captivating and has a depth that makes me want to read it again and again.

I think you could remove "saturating" in line 8 and actually enhance the flow.

Other than that, near perfect.

smugzy
 — unknown

i want to slap it about and say change this or that and yet i really like it as is.
it's one of those weird poems that doesn't work at all yet works just so. (for me)
i thought L's, 4, and 5 a work of art and i must say the poem as a whole grows like funny fungus each time i read it. while it is funny in a crazy way, for me it's also a little sad. maybe that's why i like it .
thanks for the read.
 — billy423uk

Hi Billy

most of the time i don't know what i am doing. I am ill disciplined and easily seduced by the sort of weasel words that ruin a poem, finding them often irresistable. I have so many bad writing habits i should wear one in a monastry and be purged. I have put loads of stuff on her over the years and most of it is crap so i am i suppose a believer in the chance moment when something arrives out of the ether and i neither know or care where it came from but i know it is a more credible attempt at a half decent poem.

Larry in the dark Lark
 — unknown

Larry Larry quite contrary...how do you eat your scone?
:)

I'll fave this for a dollar.
 — mandolyn

Don't bother mandy as you'd be wasting a fav on an undeserving wretch who is so 'umble he makes Uriah Heap seem like the most arrogant twat who ever graced the cobbled streets of England where there is always wind and rain whipping round doorways and the sign over the Olde Gin Shop creaks in ghostly fashion as those who are lost among the trials and tribulations of this wearying world pull their rags about them in a vain attempt to keep out the cold. As for scones, they are not delicate and are mostly associated with gatherings of the lower orders where much beer and weak tea is drunk and rough looking men are heard to shout, using words that modesty forbids me from placing on such a high flown literary and ethereal site such as this, "Pass me a bun ya f.....' Scone 'ed.

Larry cobbled together Lark
 — larrylark

Great way with words, almost did not want it to end.
 — lalita

Neither did I

Larry Liar Lark
 — larrylark

Self upbringing is the aim of everyone’s life! For this pupose, the job for writers service provide the themes about this topic.
 — unknown

Good for them
 — larrylark

When farts esacpe from me, I am reminded of this shit
 — bbmikebauer

You should eat more beans Mike and also try to be a regular guy
 — larrylark

life is a long lesson in humility.
 — unknown

Tell me about it unknown

Larry Uriah Heep Lark
 — larrylark

thnx,i enjoyed it.
mm
 — unknown

'baybe mike' is not 'bmike', larry. you should eat more fish and get some A.

but, really, this is so amateur and you're so news presenter when you talk about your work. did you give up, or is it an english thing, where, if you stand up and say anything, they'll chop off your head??

just move to america, with us, and leave the queen to her poodles.
 — bmikebauer

Come off it Mike. You have spent what seems to me and many others here, a tiresome lifetime lording it or queening it or whatever on PC. If you can't see a piss take when its looking you in the eye well tough or are you annoyed cus my rubbish poem has hit the hot spot so many times you can't keep dpwn your splutter of indignation. Get a life Mike, there is fresh air and trees and people and rivers and mountains and all that other boring shit out there. Go to it and give your fingers a rest.

Larry cuntree boy Lark
 — larrylark

ah, the caterer. what have you got in your doughnut box for me this time? some drunken boats, or maybe just a 'rule brittania'...

believe me when i say that what you're doing is fine, posting whatever and for whomever. i'm glad you're here. but, why do you think the site is like you, or like anyone else here but the people who are actually here? and, i'm one of them, and i'm commenting. just commenting on me and my critical style is fucked. you might as well be on face book trying to save face.
 — bmikebauer

Yes Mike ...you certainly are on here..and on here ..and on here. Why don't you come over and live in liddle olde Engerland where I'm sure you would find so many things to interest you, like the Queens poodles ..LOL..for instance, that within weeks PC would seem to you like a bad dream or at the very least a good nightmare and boring little farts like me would seem just what they are to a man of your stature,,,,,well...just boring liddle farts living in a provincial backwater that is so tiny, tom thumb would feel claustrophobic. Thats why we all have learned to enjoy being miserable ,,,a bit like you.

Larry 2 incher Lark
 — larrylark

thrashing through poodles clogged with salt,
dull eyed hippopotami and bags fallen to earth;
blond-colored hair down botoxed breasts
barely covered, and stuffed with bothers.
 — bmikebauer

whataya doin up so early?
 — unknown

been up an hour. fell asleep at eleven.

i think that english poetry lost its rhythm in the 18th century, when academically trained brilliants tried to write like virgil and horace. i think that what happened to us americans, is that we were blessed with a strong african presence and it gave physical motion back to our music. britain got the polka-mazurka for jane to comment on, but we got syncopation.

this is from le monde, this morning:

"Basquiat voyait dans chacun de ces personnages populaires célèbres une histoire qui les rapprochait de lui. Sauf qu’il avait choisi le dessin."

it's that he took the world as characters of part of himself, but created his own stage for them to act on. i think the problem with this poem of larry's is that it's an essay using the line-breaks as an excuse for writing 'whatever'.
 — bmikebauer

Mike you seem do enamoured with this poem which is, after all, just a piece of trash written on the back of a chip paper which i wrote walking home down Sewer Street from "The Poison Ivy Public house," while dragging on a Capstan Full Strength ,that i will send you a gold embossed copy in an authentically autographed surround, with the signatures of Lizzy and Phil plus a paw mark from Aristotle , one of their pet corgis.who finished second last at Crufts last year, prominant. Incidentally my Aunt Maude's Poodle that she affectionately calls "Bastard" won and proceeded to eat a sausage dog that finished up no where.
Thanks for the input Mike and there's plenty more shit where that came from.

Larry Vice-President of The Great British Gnome Society Lark
 — larrylark

how a poem failed is worth asking about. talking about how a poem can work at all is a good topic.

trying to finesse your way out of slacker is difficult, because slacker means that nothing at all means anything at all to you except you. are you a poem, larry? in what world?

it'd be easier for you to just forget you wrote this and write a story. write something silly... that's always the first move english writers make -- pretending to be ironic so they don't lose face. write a harry potter. there's no sound track to harry potter until they make the movie: you can write out your uncle vernon soul and someone will write the rest.
 — bmikebauer

Hi Hot and bothered Mike who makes value judgements about English writers that cover just about no body.I love the way you sound made up, like someone who came out of college still trying to invent themselves . You've succeeded as well, but unfortunately not as a poetry critic. There is far to much bile and dislike of self there for you to ever gain a seat on the bus. All you do is latch on, you know, like babies do.

Larry whaa whaa Lark
 — larrylark

larry, you advanced beginners should just stop for awhile and write stories. you're writing prose anyway, but you're using 'poetry' as a noodle-box so's you can paint outside the lines. it's still just from a coloring book, when you could be inventing 'color'.

you use enough energy on your comments; why'n't you use some of it for your poetry.
 — bmikebauer

Your such a yawn Mike...I've wasted enough on you for one day...I'll send you a book when i can be bothered on how to tell the difference between a corgi and a poodle and another on how to bow before the queen.

Larry appallingly prose and wishes he were one quarter vicious as Mike but i could hardly be that could I ?Lark
 — larrylark

you're one of the biggest disappointments on this site, larry. have a nice pint.
 — bmikebauer

you could have been a strong voice for the philp larkin kind of writing -- the middle-voice, 1950's clarity. you're a decent person, and you could have evolved a larkin style that wasn't asshole, that was about giving gifts to the reader, instead of his stuffed-in-the-pocket come-backs. \

there's so many beginners here who need to know that a poem isn't a confessional sincerity flattened down to not sound arty. larkin had an art, and you've obviously inherited his voice. sing.
 — bmikebauer

Mike

I refer you to your comment made about flying goldfish further up this page "When farts escape from me I am reminded of this shit." Enough saidm from the great I am PC critic...not..., and you said it and i might as well agree, is there anything else to be said?...Oh yes there is and you'll say it.

Larry zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Lark
 — larrylark

mike quit being creepy. everyone is starting to think youre mentally ill.
 — unknown

oh lordy what poem hasn't Mike commented on...should change the name of PC to Mike Critical, because he's critically asinine and in the head
 — unknown

but Mike, I do applaud you...you're PC's very own celebrity
 — unknown

if you actually look at the poems, most of them i don't comment on, because most of them are private notes for a possible poem. there's nothing to say to the author about them, and they don't show any particular problem or solution to poetry writing.

my feeling about you guys is pretty much that you're slackers using the place to post short stories you can't construct into form. you're using the open line breaks of poetry as an excuse: 'it's ambiguous'. so is your underwear.
 — bmikebauer

good
 — unknown

Jeez Mike...my underpants and string vest are filthy as i am in a sect that believes thou shalt not wash as it skims the primeaval oils and hair gel debri from off your skin and this makes you more cold in freezing weather. If i get out the zinc bath carbolic soap and lufa and get the voluptuous blonde from down the road to give me a good scrubbing ,will it make me a better poet? I am asking you cus you are an expert in these things...I can tell by the way you speak and the smell.

Larry prose and gleaming panty hose Lark
 — larrylark

As always, Larry, you deliver the goods AND the FISH!  Happy New Year with love and pig's tongues!!!  :-)
 — starr

gorgeous imagery
 — unknown

this could should be sparser, there are more words than necessary and thus some dullards distract from the brighter ones

5-8 are very prettious

17 clever

18 nice
 — noodleman

Thanks noodleman...as you know i am stuffed with gorgeousness and dross in equal measure
 — larrylark

9
 — unknown

all the alliteration is kind of distracting and forced.  If you use it sparingly you can draw subtle attention to a particular line, strengthen it. If you use it all the time it just weakens the whole poem. Simple poetic techniques like this are better used as a spice than a main course.
 — joshcoops

i have 2 goldfish, my pond has an overflow leading to the ocean. yesterday it rained...they ALMOST made it!
lol

exceptional poetry!
 — Odin

Lovely poem.
 — unknown

Thanks for interesting information. I think that you can write order essay about this story.
 — Morgan45

The poem pretends it is such an ugly little thing,
throwing out glimpses and shimmery tails,
Maybe that’s why it works  hooked with  bird bait!  
 — KCGem

My poem doesn't have to pretend its ugly ...it is ugly....but if you compare it to a lot of stuff on here its pretty ugly

Larry pretty ugly Lark
 — larrylark

  that's always the first move english writers make -- pretending to be ironic so they don't lose face. **** oh OUCH!!!
 — unknown

You obviously don't know much about the English mate...and neither does anyone else, least of all the english

Larry full english Lark
 — unknown

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