poetry critical

online poetry workshop



if there's any irony to be culled at this point in the narrative
unknown

it's that here
 1
 
 
thirty-two years old
 2
 
 
stocky
 3
like a union pipe fitter
 4
 
 
clothes from goodwill
 5
 
 
driving
 6
a dented up
 7
kia rio
 8
 
 
i pull
 9
three times
 10
the pussy
 11
i did at twenty-two
 12
 
 
when i had
 13
the body
 14
of a gymnast
 15
 
 
a shiny black
 16
celica gt
 17
 
 
and a closet
 18
full of
 19
tight fitting
 20
euro trash.
 21

25 May 10

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (3): 1, 10, 10

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Comments:

Interesting one. I like it a lot though
 — psychofemale

Lose the word "up" in line 7.

It's a decent slice of life, but I wonder what else is different twixt 22 and 32: I'd think it was maturity over the perception of style, but lines 9-10 put maturity in doubt.
 — Bloodfetish

if this was a photo in black and white, my teacher -- tom knight -- would have said that it was very well seen. three's detail but it's not over done, and the photo stops at the edges and doesn't make me want to tilt it to see the rest of it. nicely worded, compact but the sounds you use stand in for textures and smells -- synesthetic write, and difficult to do.

glancing at the comments, not understanding why the 'up' has to be in line 7 is to read a poem like a newspaper article. finding the pulse in a poem is part of the reading part.

nice writing.
 — bmikebauer

i'll have to learn to write like this,
but that means i'll have to discard
me first.

this is trash in gold dust.
; )
 — fractalcore

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