|Pistol Kool Whipped
. Gun powder mouth, thoughts on the wall, flesh speed, blood freed in
molecular cells. Hell brings the tool to kill for thrills, spins a spool of red.
Dead from bloodletting open wounds. Entombed the skull of cordite, flash
of light pistol kicked-back in the hand
that said good- l l
night. Nervous ______l
The table spins
27 May 10
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Nice work, Web. Good language use and rhythm for your subject, the concrete handgun (hey that has nice sonics, come slam with us on Viral Poetry in Facebook).
Since you write in concrete frequently, you already know this; but sometimes language use gets sacrificed to fit the puzzle. The last few lines don't seem to fit the semi-automatic pacing; it's the prepositions. Maybe you can gunsmith/wordsmith it a little.
PS I am wondering about "Kool" in the title. Is it a ghetto reference? Got the pun on the whipped topping/pistol whipped thing, just referencing pop culture for Kool. LL Kool J or whatever.
Thanks for reading/comments/suggestions. I'll have to think about the last few lines a bit more. The Kool is just a play on words. I didn't want to use Cool in case the makers of Cool Whip had a problem with it...lol. As far as the Facebook thing, I currently don't have an account but if I sign-up anytime soon, I'll be sure to visit the page. Thanks again.
Very graphic poem. A little taken aback by the subject matter. Interesting rhyming scheme, the last word from one line and the first from the next. I have to agree that the second part of the poem doesn't seem cohesive with the first. Good write, but geez, get out in the garden or something.
Thank you much for reading and comments. Still pondering those afformentioned lines. Not much into gardening but I do like football...lol.
Many thanks for having a look and the one-word plaudit.
Wow...very nicely written. Word choices are powerful and effectively placed in the piece for max impact. Always a good write!
I appreciate you taking the time to read and the positive feedback. Namaste.
I love the flow-- and the ending goes down smoothe.
I agree with using K on Kool.
Thanks for stopping by and the + crit. Kool.
whoa! getting better every
time, JKWebster sir!
Thanks much fractalman
for the kudos and the fave. I appreciate it.
'preciate you reading and brief comment.
This is really cool! The language works brilliantly... and I love it!
many thanks darklinstorm. glad it works for ya.
Good good good!
"gun powder mouth" - so good.
"thoughts on the wall" -ew. Good.
"blood freed in molecular cells" - is the science correct on this? I'm confused. I guess molecular cells are DNA but how is blood freed in them? I like the idea of blood being freed maybe take this freedom theme further?
"dead from bloodletting" - reminds me of leeches. also, obviously the wounds are open.
" entombed the skull of cordite" huh? why is the skull made of it? are you making a metaphor that the gun is a skull? Also I read that Cordite was used to replace gunpowder. Is this right? If so gun powder mouth doesn't really work.
why is the finger green? is it new? okay.
"the trigger regret" . is the trigger regretting being pulled. does this gun have emotions? what does this regret belong to?
Is the table just spinning metaphorically? Russian Roulette is a chamber? what does this mean? Maybe if you added an adjective here so I could get an image of what sort of chamber. If you're just comparing to the gun chamber, why? I don't get it. Is it dark, lonely, exciting ? what? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel in terms of Russian roulette or what the narrator's opinion of it is or anything.
I do like that you tried to make it look like a gun. I guess that's cool. But what is the point of this poem?