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Salmon on the Way Home
majan

You find                                 me
 1
beautiful, the helium
 2
in a laugh, the pink picket fence
 3
alternate to the white
 4
everyone is used to
 5
                                            you,
 6
find yourself
 7
lost, entranced, warmed
 8
blanketed by haze
 9
                                            together,
 10
they find us
 11
a commotion
 12
butterfly roars, we are like
 13
unsaid apologies
 14
 
 
to those who beg to understand
 15
    never will they find
 16
    sense in this counter
 17
    clockwise way we run
 18
    we are simply twisted salmon swimming
 19
      
 20
    to death
 21
    for home.
 22

28 May 10

Rated 8.7 (8.6) by 3 users.
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Inactive (4): 7, 7, 7, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

  Nice poem but I feel it could be tightened just a bit.  Maybe change 'alternative' to 'alternate' in line 4.  Maybe omit 'not trapped' from line 6.  In line 8, I'd change 'and' to 'of'.  I'd take the 's' off of 'beg(s)' and omit 'but don't' from line 10.  Omit 'the' from line 11, 'or' from line 12 and take off the 's' from 'salmon(s)' in line 12 and your title as I believe the plural of salmon is salmon.  All in all, I think this is good but could be great.
 — JKWeb

who can see sense in sonething only the twisted can understand? nce writing, a little vague in places.
 — manuka

n i
 — unknown

I second JKWeb's suggestions--they will tighten this up nicely.
L2 is excellent.
Nice bit of writing.
 — sybarite

The plural of Salmon is Salmon, not Salmons.  

To them who beg, not begs.  

Interesting.  Your lines almost seem wrong, like a person you know is crazy but not enough to say, "You're crazy."
 — Isabelle5

Explain the salmon part...urm...
 — psychofemale

to mumbai, no doubt
 — unknown

Thank you everyone for taking notice.. to the last unk, nope, im not from Mumai.. sorry for the sloppy mistakes, although, i have to admit, i didn't know the plural of salmon is salmon (oops)..

JKWeb, I'll see abpout those inputs.
Manuka, Sybarite, thank you.
Isabelle,  Interesting is a good word, wrong and interesting in the same line.. i'm not sure... but thank you for saying your piece.

To everyone, I'll try to tighten this up, thank you.
 — majan

i was tongued cheek on my rushdie comment btw. i have of late only started googling private lives of huge writers . . .  i am the world's worst speller. i especially love the first stanza here. really cool poem. thanks!! Les
 — unknown

L11 & 12 dont enhance your killer blow. My suggestion would be ~
  
the counter clockwise flow
feeds salmon going home
 — Abracadabra

Les and Abracadabra, thank you.
 — majan

restructured this a lot .. i don't think this says the exact same thing as it did before, but.. anyway, comments and suggestions are most welcome.  
 — majan

i think this looks and reads much better
the first. thanks.

; )
 — fractalcore

...better *than the first.

: )
 — fractalcore

I am finding this poem after revision.

L1-4 are magnificent. I would write "my" instead of "a." No reason not to, and it makes is more specific and adds a little sonically. It wouldn't be any less your poem if you wrote "better than" instead of "alternate to the." That's kind of a clunky phrase, and the rest is so plain spoken and smooth, and the metaphor rocks.

I would break into a stanza around L8 or L9.

Lose "of" in L12. Doesn't add anything.

The final lines are very hard to follow; i get the grammar after several reads, but it interrupts the read for sure. Maybe rephrase without losing the nice salmon analogy?
 — NicMichaels

fractalcore thanks for faving...and Nicmichaels, thank you for the kind words and inputs. I'll see what i can do...
 — majan

This is really fantastic.
:)
 — RupertDavid

RupertDavid thank you for finding meaning in this.
 — majan

restructured this a bit.
 — majan

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