poetry critical

online poetry workshop



(G)old
section4

Let's re-define language
 1
into multisyllabic dances
 2
for the ears, everlasting
 3
as it flows into the years
 4
that you never expected
 5
to see;
 6
Wake up,
 7
You're seventy three.
 8
 
 
Arthritic lips whisper
 9
"why did I write this?"
 10
Flashbacks pre-erectile
 11
diss-funk-shun,
 12
Young blood out for the
 13
basic function,
 14
Live and let the high
 15
strung hover outside
 16
our plane as we have fun,
 17
It's time to void the bladder
 18
dysfunction as it drips everlasting
 19
into the night sun.
 20
 
 
"P" the letter now the action
 21
I watch being undone,
 22
Baby steps as it once freely
 23
flowed now it's hardly outdone ,
 24
Speeding turtles winking
 25
at sad snails being outrun.
 26
 
 
My words of truth onto
 27
you -my bright son,
 28
One day your scribbles
 29
shall be gold on a platter
 30
of nostalgic hot buns,
 31
Close the window
 32
it's cold and I'm about done.
 33

30 May 10

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Comments:

Hey Fractalcore! How's it going? .
 — section4

hey, buddy!

good to see you back.
i'm swell but not swollen, thanks.

i think you tripped a little in this.
check your linebreaks in the 2nd
strophe and maybe ditch |27?

you still got the drive, man.
keep it up.

; )
 — fractalcore

this sounds like a young person's cleaning the room by tearing down the walls because the wallpaper is crazy. the poem is disjointed enough that it falls apart and becomes verse-blog -- blogative verse, without a hero. it needs a center. young people have to lose a world before they can create their own independent world. i think that only comes through art, through the creation of your own myth and madia, media to express exactly how you want to express.

now, i ask you, is tattoo real, if you're the only member of your own tribe, and every blackened scar on your body says 'mother'? and, is tagging a space real, if you haven't built the space yourself? poetry is here and now.
 — bmikebauer

and oh yeah, i think minimalism brings us
closer to the core of poetry. we can start
out writing a letter in the first phase, for
instance. the next logical move should be
to trim it down, let go of the excess fat
just so we could expose the marrow --
one has to really get marred in the first
place to do eat write, but the conceit of
your piece doesn't really call for that.

i really enjoy the calisthenics but we tend
to be carried away because prose allows
us that pleasure. why not start on |7?
you can work your way thru from there.

there are many brilliant spots in this.
can't wait to see the revised version.

; )
 — fractalcore

Thanks for the feedback fractalcore, the advice is greatly appreciated. Revised and reworked some parts of the poem, so let me know how it flows now.

bmikebauer; well when I first wrote this I was intending for it to sound a little bit disjointed and disorganized, just like an old man having trouble focusing on a specific topic and having it parallel a young boy who is hyperactive and doing pretty much the same thing. But I guess I over worked it a bit. Hence the revised version.
 — section4

i thought that's what you were doing, but, you're right, it doesn't sound like an old man. now, i don't exactly know what we're supposed to sound like, and every old man i've known has sounded like a young man. i guess the thing to do is write like a young man and people will see the universal truth in what you're writing. they'll try to figure out who you are, but the trick is to always sound like someone else, since, when you're writing a poem you're not you anymore anyway.
 — bmikebauer

^^

oh shutup. you and your blooming advise. just let people write.

then again: i prostate before you, dappled and diapered, snappled and snipered. Wesley
 — unknown

problem is, you don't write... you transcribe what you think is in your head, but you're not quick enough -- who is?? -- so you jot down the obvious and think that's being 'inspired'. why'n't you leave the poetry workshop and go over to poetry vanity and get kisses and hugs.
 — bmikebauer

bmikebauer; I have to agree that sometimes you write expecting to know someone, but then you end up writing a version of him through your eyes. Sometimes it hits the mark but other times it just ends up being a focused view. I think it's always interesting seeing other people's perception of others if only to understand their own fears and expectations of a certain situation or timeline. Thanks for the feedback.

Thanks unknown for reading!
 — section4

are you talking about how you can write a poem? and, that it's how you start out thinking you're writing specifically about someone, and to someone, but that your IQ raises as you write and you end up writing something really conscious and beyond just gossiping about what you saw on the street?
 — bmikebauer

Brilliant!!!
 — psychofemale

I like this information and it has given me some sort of desire to have success for some reason, so thanks. Furthermore I′m definitely considering blogging these facts in my own blog! If you can see my website Swimwear-Make you more sexy fashion,I will very happy.
 — unknown

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