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prayer for Fergus after our Mother's death
uncjaf

I found you
 1
beneath the Sala trees,
 2
held together by the straps of her corduroy-jeans.
 3
 
 
Please Fergus,
 4
when you touch the earth, touch the earth.
 5
 
 
If I could remove my hands
 6
from this shadow, Her body unenduring,
 7
screwed together in a language
 8
of guilt and remembrance,
 9
oatmeal flesh,
 10
naturally softened,
 11
swollen limbs
 12
and in wet soil we abandoned her
 13
with a final glimpse.  
 14
 
 
If I could dig into our past,
 15
rummaging in ash,
 16
kicking-up grief through soul, soil and stars.
 17
 
 
I would
 18
if given-a-chance to skim old-arguments,
 19
rude, they await rebirth
 20
from the surface of ġemynd.
 21
If I could bend the day:
 22
 
 
I will carry proof along the blade of a knife,
 23
bury it into the atmosphere of His chest,
 24
I will carve your God into a million grains past.
 25

3 Jul 10

Rated 10 (9.7) by 1 users.
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Comments:

Wow-- so many powerful lines in this. The first stanza is lovely.
 — mandolyn

thank you Mandolyn!
 — uncjaf

any thoughts on this one?
 — uncjaf

I like it, like the rhythm. However, the last three lines don't seem to fit the rest of the poem. Somehow they gave me the idea that Fergus murdered their mother. Am I reading this wrong?
 — morganna

brilliant!!
 — unknown

Morganna: The last three lines are supposed to stand out, but perhaps I didn't do a good job conveying the purpose. I don't believe it is possible to read a poem "wrong". In the larger story Fergus did not murder his Mother. One view: the narrator is speaking about a brother who, after his mother's death, is not longer living his life in the present. He is obsessed with the idea of contacting her -- literally, perhaps symbolically -- and has become religiously preoccupied. The narrator is frustrated and in response to his religious fixedness comments directly on the object through which he seeks the obsession with his dead mom, God.    
 — uncjaf

This is brilliant.

Perhaps it's an American thing, but I can't picture the straps of her corduroy jeans. At first I pictured them cut into strips, then I thought belt loops -- maybe suspenders?

But that doesn't take away from the beauty of this poem. It is truly wonderful.
 — DianaTrees

Why is this poem posted twice?
 — unknown

what do you mean by line 3?
 — psychofemale

There is a lot to like here.  A lot.
L7 maybe could go.
L13 reads like there is a word missing.
I like the ending a lot.

Nice stuff!!
Thanks
 — Mic2

after the Mother's death, Fergus, the youngest child, would wear a pair of the Mother's overalls (which hadn't been washed, still had a lingering smell etc. etc.) So by corduroy jeans I suppose I meant overalls. Fergus, literally being swallowed by this piece of clothing 10x too big, would fall to the ground and play, or what better looked like swim in this clothing for hours and hours outside beneath a tree in the backyard.    
 — uncjaf

Dianatrees: TY for your supportive words!
Psychofemale: 1) cool name 2) does that clarify line 3? It is a literal representation of Fergus's desire to stay in contact with the Mother, which has manifested itself in a connection with the smell and touch of an object that belonged to her.
Mic2: I agree that line7 is tricky and this poem could probably do without it. I find it is difficult to convey our relationship with death and loss in a way that isn't abstract and vague.
Unknown: I re-posted this as an edit because in my mind it is a different poem, even if it is just a few words or a simple structure change.      
 — uncjaf

D':. I like the life of the poem, the emotion, very strong, good job :)
 — Rss233

Reread the poem after reading all the comments: I think you do a good job of conveying what you want to convey but the context is a little lacking -- I struggle with this too, letting the reader know the context without overwhelming the poem. I think the detail that most helped me figure out what was going on is that Fergus is a little boy. I think making that clear would help the reader a lot.
 — morganna

Morganna, I appreciate your insights! ty
 — uncjaf

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