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school lunch
Sequiturist

around a centerpiece of sinewy string beans
 1
the color of drought in Canberra
 2
 
 
ham skin wraps ham skin
 3
in a fraternal post mortem mud-wrestle
 4
 
 
the skim milk Italian with a mustard Sahara
 5
is dressing up tomato pads
 6
 
 
frolics like a pastel wallflower—
 7
iceberg lettuce dewed by fingernail cheddar
 8

8 Jul 10

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start with stanza four and that'll let it end with: they frolic...

as though that stanza was the caption under the cartoon. it'll take it into surreal space and make people work harder at actually finding out what you said. it doesn't matter if you didn't actually say anything, in a poem like this, because it might have been dictated to you while you were in a trance, by neo-adolescent sea-horses.
 — bmikebauer

lol, thanks bmikebauer. for once, I actually understood what your critique means.

p.s. that was an awfully quick response. :P
 — Sequiturist

QUESTION: the rhyme of L2 and L4 is unintentional, and actually rather awkward. What do I do with that?

Sahara references the grainy texture of the mustard.

Canberra references the drought that occurs in Australia during an irregular weather pattern called the El Nino.
 — Sequiturist

I changed the first stanza from

"dressing up the tomato pads
are the skim milk Italians and mustard Sahara"

to

"the skim milk Italians and mustard Sahara
are dressing up tomato pads"

so as to avoide the awkwardness of the rhyme. what do you think?
 — Sequiturist

this is fun and effective visually and sonically, a most unique conceit.

swap mortem between post and mud-wrestle, lose a in L7
 — NicMichaels

and i do not agree with the premise of sea-horse dictation, although that would be an extraordinary experience to share. on the contrary: you captured a bit of pop culture masterfully. i might also change fraternity to fraternal for more dense sonics, and drop they in L7 instead of a.
 — NicMichaels

Thanks, NicMichaels. I've made those changes. :)
 — Sequiturist

did you mean frolics? i think it refers back to ham now.

you can do away with the footnote; the poem doesn't need a disclaimer; it riffs

keep your eye out for my post today, titled "dictated to me while i was in a trance, by neo-adolescent seahorses."
 — NicMichaels

Thanks again, and I will. =)
 — Sequiturist

hmmm...short but to the point. I like it. :]
 — unknown

Neat write.
 — psychofemale

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