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to the woman smiling at me from her car

I am in love with your smile
how you look at me
pleased with what you see
how you have taken me in with your eyes
and given me a home
if only for a few seconds
I'm sorry I didn't smile back
that I said goodbye to you with an unresponsive face
but I want you to knw that while you go wherever you're going
for a moment you gave me a sky filled with ivory clouds
that blocked me from the heat of relentless sun that has been following me for so long

15 Jul 10

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I love the idea of this-- and the storyline.
I think it could be cleaned up just a wee bit.
The ending line is good.
I would omit "how" in L4 and maybe say 'you take me in with your eyes'
put a comma after 'see' in L3
and 'give me a home' in L5
I would personally put parantheses around L6.

the rest needs some work too imo.
just chopping some sentences down a bit.
 — mandolyn

I second the motion--need some cleaning up.
 — sybarite

I love this.  I smile at men in their cars sometimes or catch them smiling at me and this sums it up, those moments when you see it but can't respond well.
 — Isabelle5

:0) marvelous
 — psychofemale