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to the woman smiling at me from her car
OCTOGENARIAN

I am in love with your smile
 1
how you look at me
 2
pleased with what you see
 3
how you have taken me in with your eyes
 4
and given me a home
 5
if only for a few seconds
 6
I'm sorry I didn't smile back
 7
that I said goodbye to you with an unresponsive face
 8
but I want you to knw that while you go wherever you're going
 9
for a moment you gave me a sky filled with ivory clouds
 10
that blocked me from the heat of relentless sun that has been following me for so long
 11

15 Jul 10

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Inactive (0): 7, 10

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Comments:

I love the idea of this-- and the storyline.
I think it could be cleaned up just a wee bit.
The ending line is good.
I would omit "how" in L4 and maybe say 'you take me in with your eyes'
put a comma after 'see' in L3
and 'give me a home' in L5
I would personally put parantheses around L6.

the rest needs some work too imo.
just chopping some sentences down a bit.
:)
 — mandolyn

I second the motion--need some cleaning up.
L9--knw?--know?
 — sybarite

I love this.  I smile at men in their cars sometimes or catch them smiling at me and this sums it up, those moments when you see it but can't respond well.
 — Isabelle5

:0) marvelous
 — psychofemale

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