poetry critical

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schizy is schizy
fractalcore

i. parallel translation
 1
 
 
   i rarely brush
 2
   my teeth here
 3
   in the bear's cave
 4
   where i cave-
 5
   in.
 6
 
 
   caviar sigh
 7
   bare...
 8
 
 
   lush.
 9
 
 
 
 
 
 
ii. corollary
 10
 
 
   my teeth
 11
   brush
 12
   bear's elbows with
 13
   ...
 14
 
 
   i cave-in
 15
 
 
   caviar's kin,
 16
   sigh bare,
 17
 
 
   hush.
 18




for Diana Jiganie, my nisetru*,
with all my love
---{@


bear's cave in apuseni
http://i33.tinypic.com/9aboqp.jpg
photo by nisetru


special thanks to
syrossoul, AlchemiA & bmikebauer
@ http://www.poetrycritical.net/read/64518/


       ____
     __/__
       /\
     /   \
fractalcore
     : )





_____

Main Entry: cav·i·ar
Variant(s): also cav·i·are \ˈka-vē-ˌär also ˈkä-\
Function: noun
Etymology: earlier cavery, caviarie, from obsolete Italian caviari, plural of caviaro, from Turkish havyar
Date: circa 1560

1 : processed salted roe of large fish (as sturgeon)
2 : something considered too delicate or lofty for mass appreciation — usually used in the phrase, 'caviar to the general'
3 : something considered the best of its kind


* nisetru is romanian for 'sturgeon'

_____



the hopeless romantic bear:
http://i33.tinypic.com/dox9bn.jpg

the bears at the fair:
http://i35.tinypic.com/1688keq.jpg

all photos by Diana Jiganie
august 2010

10 Aug 10

Rated 10 (6.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

what if you swapped 3 and 4, and left 5 just as it is...?
 — bmikebauer

hmm, how bout

...
in the bear's cave
where i cave-
in.
...

?
 — fractalcore

naw, not for me. too macdonald's. like,

how about:

my teeth here
where i cave
in the bears cave
in-

cavort
sign lush
 — bmikebauer

to me, my play on it actually sounds metallic and brittle, like when i read instruction sets and it's all symbolic but using sense-sounds. yuck.
 — bmikebauer

hmm, lemme give this some more thought.
: )
 — fractalcore

mikee,

i think i just wanna play it simple in ||1-5,
which i think is just appropriate for the conceit
of 'caviar from a sturgeon's roe' and 'cyber bear's
bare and lush sigh' in the following lines.

teddy bears have a kiddie appeal, anyway.
what do you think?

; )
 — fractalcore

delete this shit
 — unknown

too obvious, and i don't know who you're posting this here for. the lamers aren't going to be able to visualize and musicalize what you've written, and the rest of us are going to want more consciousness from it.
 — bmikebauer

ok, fair enough on both counts,
unky & mikee.

i'll consider that.
; )
 — fractalcore

one of the mistakes i always make is thinking that an unk's comment, like that one, somehow come from the unk's soul or unconsciousness, and that plays into my insecurity, my embarrassment of acting out in front of people. but, really, what's coming out of the unk is an animal reaction to your presence in his master's front yard. everyone must have a master, but unk's yard master seems to be a garden troll.
 — bmikebauer

kill yourself bauer. do us all a favor.
 — unknown

s'ok, mike.

i think unks can only hurt his own kind.
and, i think [s]he's being a little too quirky
again today.

i'll play the unkee game later, yunky.
; )
 — fractalcore

lovely little piece. thanks.
 — unknown

thanks, unk,
but it's in need of
an overhaul.

: )
 — fractalcore

it's in need of a deleting.
 — unknown

haha, i've always liked your
clown projection, unk.

thanks.
; )
 — fractalcore

how's this, mike?
: )
 — fractalcore

aw, it's lost the love. it's not that you can engineer a poem out of ideas, it's that you've left ideas behind and turned them into primary and proto-emotion. there isn't any way i can feel your actual emotion unless you write it convincingly. and, the only way to do that in a poem, is to actually write in love. i think it's only that the original was more of a private note.
 — bmikebauer

that maybe because i'm off the hook of the original poem moment;
this is another poem moment for me, and this is an altogether different
poem, i agree.

: )
 — fractalcore

Bauer if you were to omit 'love' in that crit and replace with 'buzz' i think it would read much better.

:)
 — mandolyn

hi, mandee.

the love-buzz is still in this version,
but less potent in how it is evoked.

i'm bound to revert to the original,
but i'm keeping this one in the vault.

; )
 — fractalcore

sorry frac, i did not mean to dribble on your poem, i like it. i was merely critique'ing bauers crit- cuz he said that is ok to do.

:)

Good lil diddy though.
 — mandolyn

'love' for me, mandy, is the highest form of consciousness -- far higher than any religious or scientific awareness, and 'buzz' is what i do when i write something like '1951' -- i want to get a reaction so that i can have a reaction.
 — bmikebauer

no worries, mandee.

anyone can say anything here.
i am actually inviting all the unks
to play here and leave the poetry/concept
threads alone.

and, i'm reverting to the original draft
in a few moments.

; )
 — fractalcore

as if they were attracted to poetry!
 — bmikebauer

love is just the most chaotic, most beautiful
consciousness, mike.

i'm offering them the easy way out: hate.

; )
 — fractalcore

it's beyond belief, all right. hate is really an interesting thing for us -- it's a word, but we invent words, and how is it that we're stuck with this one-way idea of enmity? there's so many other real ways things happen in the world.
 — bmikebauer

i guess hate is a consequence/derivative
of love in many respects -- the aberrant
form of it, if you will --  which makes
both of them real, necessary and
hard to deflect.

: )
 — fractalcore

oh well, i decided to keep both of them.

and oh, welcome, sweet ones.
i'll keep those, too.

; )
 — fractalcore

boompfh...

for more sweet ones.
; )
 — fractalcore

more sweet ones, please...
; )
 — fractalcore

please?
; )
 — fractalcore

unh, i'd one you but i can't break a ten.

yew know the little vertical pointy thing is an accurate replica of their pointy head...?
 — bmikebauer

yes, a clownish sort of projection on the wall
of my perky, quirky cave.

very pointedly apt.
: )
 — fractalcore

;)
 — softyetharsh

i appreciate this better today. this could be a replica of a recent write if not twin in concept. subject defined in another perspective.
alarming coincidence, that is. a rare find as well.
 — unknown

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