poetry critical

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My Window
softyetharsh

Out my window crawls
 1
A breeze of nightly hums
 2
Weeps through ungodly hours
 3
Sleeps at the wake of dawn.
 4
 
 
In my mind it falls
 5
Into whirling pieces by daybreak
 6
Clouding amidst the sun
 7
Brightly stricken anew.
 8
 
 
Tonight, once more down my window
 9
Feed the mind in whirlpool thoughts
 10
All blurs down my window
 11
Nowhere found and lost.
 12

13 Aug 10

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (4): 6, 8, 9, 10

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Comments:

i agree.
 — manuka

: )
 — fractalcore

thank you manuka and fractalcore.
 — softyetharsh

The last for lines are really good, i enjoyed it a lot
 — Hulda

thanks for your time, hulda. :)
 — softyetharsh

No ,I am so wrong, i liked the whole poem, I GET A FEELING of you sitting near your window and the words comes easily to your mind and you easily put them on a piece of paper, it makes me wonder about life outside the windoW!
 — Hulda

The breeze is going out the window?  Usually they come in.  Is it humming or weeping?  You have it sleeping in dawn yet the next verse has it whirling in pieces and clouding.

The last verse is too cluttered with window and verbs.   If you took this apart and carefully added what you need to show the reader, it would be stronger and clearer.  

It isn't making any sense to me at all, just feeling like you wanted to write 'poemy.'

I think you can do better.  
 — Isabelle5

Good!
 — Avery33

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