poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Nature
Haxxen

And she bleeds
 1
blood that smells like dying salmon
 2
 
 
And she reads
 3
all kinds of nonsense in the trees
 4
 
 
But in the storm as she dances beneath
 5
speaking in tongues
 6
and teeth
 7
 
 
she reveals her true nature
 8
in faith
 9
 
 
and by sin
 10
 
 
in degrees
 11

17 Aug 10

Rated 9.7 (8.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 7, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (34): 1, 1, 2, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

7-11 has a sale on nature valley granola bars.
 — mandolyn

  about me? is this?
 — unknown

I like your quote on profile
 — unknown

are you a witch?
 — manuka

* tongues in 7 ?  Otherthanthat, enjoyed reading.
 — JKWeb

I liked it
 — unknown

1 and 2
 — unholy

I know, Sarah Palin, right?
 — JohnW

I am "witch"ever you choose.

No, it's not about you.  Its about an Island in a lake in northern Ontario.

Thanks JK.  Yours was helpfull.
 — Haxxen

Please don't start a poem with a connector word, just begin the poem!  And is not even connected here to your title.  She bleeds blood could be stronger.  She bleeds scent like dying salmon.  

All kinds of nonsense isn't very powerful.  The smaller the poem, the more precise each word must be.  

If you began, In the storm, she dances, it would be good.

Dances beneath, you mean the storm?  Do you need a place, can she just dance in the storm?

Speaking in tongues, I understand, speaking in teeth is lost on me.

The last verse doesn't seem to reveal anything.  Nature has no faith, she is what inspires religion but she is not that, she is the faceless stranger with changing moods but faith isn't one of them.  How can Nature sin?

I believe you can make this very good if you take a bit longer and think carefully of who is doing the action and how to really describe it.  I like the power I feel hiding in this but there must be more.  Nature is not small and shy.
 — Isabelle5

gunter grass starts with the conjunction in 'katz und maus' -- it's not a poem, sure, but it's a novella and published and all. isn't that enough for the philistines to make it acceptable?
 — bmikebauer

this is a simple bound declarative, a praising, and is in two formal parts and reads like classic literature as form and feeling. this is closer to what the world knows as poetry than what part-timers in p.c. read for, but it's real, none the less. it hasn't the elegant wording of the 18th century, but the core is elegant.
 — bmikebauer

Oh Isabelle.

I see that you've spent some time picking this thing apart, so I feel I should at least honor that.

For starters, if you think you can tell someone how to begin something based on rules, then you do not grasp, or care to grasp, how poetry is meant to bend the rules.  

Perhaps you come from a hemmed in place, but I do not.  I respect your place.  I hope you can come to respect mine as well.

“She bleeds blood” is a throwback in farce to a time in my youth, surrounded by friends, who would make redundancies as such, and laugh.  Laughter is a good thing.  Try it more often.  :)

“All kinds of nonsense” is fact.  
The trees spoke in a tongue that I was unfamiliar with, and yet I felt like I understood in a way that babies understand lightning, or worms do to wood.

The “teeth” were the creatures there, that would take what they needed to live, even if your own flesh.

Last verse?

There is no faith, or sin, in nature,
yet,
these things we create,
“faith and sin”
reveal her true nature

that is,

The True Nature Of  Nature.

I Don’t expect this will make all that much sense to you
xtian,
but believe me when I say
I do not see nature as small
or weak, or shy
at all.
 — Haxxen

(Notice the absence of the "N" before "OR" in "or care to")  OOOOoooh.   BAAAAaaad bard.  I feel so durty.  :)
 — Haxxen

people read for story. befuddled and confused people, too stressed by work and the cares of the world need simple stories.

they can 'read' manga... ?
 — bmikebauer

Nothing contrived or showy. I simply believe you.

Love all kinds of nonsense.

Don't think you need "true" nature, just her nature.
 — A

`O Mike.  I'd suck your dik, but I’m not inclined to such behavior.... but if I was....

A...  Considered "true".  Good call, but can’t bring myself to change it.  Still, good call
 — Haxxen

i want to be able to write the poem i can't quite think fast enough to understand while i'm writing it, then come back and see if anything looks like poetry to me. that's what my photo teacher, tom knight, taught me, and i think it's the truth for any artist.
 — bmikebauer

I wasn't saying it's a rule but it's a good idea for poetry, although there are tons of songs that begin with "And."  Who knows?  I just thought for this, and isn't a good beginning since it doesn't connect to the title to start us off.

I also watch for redundancy, especially on TV news, it's rampant but I didn't consider it was an inside joke here.  Thanks for that, it makes sense from your vision of this.  
 — Isabelle5

other times you'll say that all songs are poetry, that a lyric was a poetry.
 — bmikebauer

Powerful Imagery.  In faith and by sin in degrees depicts the true complexity and contradiction of Nature - and the nature of all of us.
 — unknown

I don't think of Nature as sinful or willful, just powerful, moving on a power not her own across the earth, innocent of blame, like an automoton controlled by other forces.  
 — Isabelle5

Sinful and Willful are human constructs as are Innocence and Without Blame - Nature does not exist within these constructs but 'All' of them can be used by man to interpret or describe certain qualities of Nature and how they are construed by individuals.
 — unknown

Well, that's obvious, isn't it?  We use the words we have.  I personally like poems about nature and trying to make sense of it.
 — Isabelle5

that means only that you want button-words which are the nature words you've learned. that's not nature, that's dictionary and school. let us show you a real and human nature where it's good to be creative and you're not afraid people will think you're not fit. we live with ourselves as outsiders and we come to terms with ourselves by making ourselves the only insiders... it's what you, isabelle, and the rest of the writers here do. what we need from normals -- none-creatives is their good faith that we're here for a reason and doing what's reasonable for us. as an outsider, i'd expect you to have an intuition that a poem like this has to look like this and only like this.
 — bmikebauer

really nice poem -

l2 evokes some nasty images though :-/

thanks for the read,
 — PollyReg

like
it
 — unknown

wow. 1-2 :O
 — psychofemale

By the way.  I apologize.  I lied about what this was about.  :)
 — Haxxen


 — Haxxen

I find much beauty in execution. When she sins she moves beyond her weakness, the weakness of the everyday day to day life. She changes her movements and her voice and bares her teeth. Faith and sin, being honest with who you are, and never to apologize for this. I have enjoyed very much this reading. All 12 lines are perfectly strong and very beautiful.
 — unholy

this is really quite great. strong and delicate.
 — unknown

1-2 let you know that this isn't going to be your standard fare.
3-4 are mystical and whimsical. also bleeds/reads makes a nice diptych.
5-6 feels wonderfully backwards the way it reads.
7-8 i think teeth connects with salmon in terms of 'true nature'.
9-12 brilliantly said.
 — Empty

sin is but a matterof varying degrees isn't it, same as goodness. for instance, one could deny their brother shelter, yet give money to those in need?
 — ghost

ghost, do you not write poetry?
 — unknown

ah but i do, howver when i post it makes the other ghosts angry and jealous.
so i have to post as unknown
 — ghost

even though i have been told i am not a poet
 — ghost

An Empty Unholy Ghost has favorited my poem.  I am pleased.  But i see i need to write happy.  maybe then a full holy spirit will like me.
 — Haxxen

why angry and jealous?
 — unknown

nah, you are fine the way you are ;)
 — ghost

I know, I just found it interesting...in an interesting kina way.
 — Haxxen

This is Magick :-)
 — unknown

ouch.. I felt goosebumps at around L5-6. Absolutely terrific description and rawness, literally. Great!
 — Thenameless

haxxen the film?
 — unknown

The film is Haxan.  Yes, I twisted the name to suit me.
 — Haxxen

I never thought a wiccan anything could be good.
 — unknown

Actually I thought wicca was the answer for a while.  Now I just call it "church for girls".  still, the folklore is cool, and there is some good energy there...
 — Haxxen

apparently redheads feel more pain, more than any of the other outre simian hair variants
 — AlchemiA

wonderful
 — unknown

bleeds blood!?!?  What else do you bleed?
 — joshcoops

^^ I suppose I could have said "her blood smells like dying salmon", but that just wouldn't have been as much fun.
 — Haxxen

aside from that, when someone says "inside myself I am bleeding", is it blood...?
 — Haxxen

Or when one "bleeds a person" for information....
 — Haxxen

Or "bleed a rad" for that matter.  k I'm done.
 — Haxxen

haxxen, you are missing the point, 'bleeds a person' etc are phrases, allegorical, figurative, etc, not literal. Those are the situation when you need to specify what is being bled, But bleeding blood is just redundant. Ok, i gotta go. I have to go milk milk from my cow.
 — joshcoops

Hey Josh, Dont worry, I didn't miss the point.  See my response to Isabelle.  But even aside from that, If I just said "she bleeds", that could be "misinterpreted" based on where your head is at.  "She bleeds" could mean "she hurts" or "she is tortured".  She bleeds blood in this poetic case is simply making the point that she has a period every so often.  :)  And it smells like nature.  But I DO appreciate and understand the input. And thanks for that.
 — Haxxen

Milk milk from my cow... hmmmm... yeah there's no getting away from that one, but ah laik eet.
 — Haxxen

Agree with Isabelle, drop the and opening and improve the title.
 — rocket

I try to avoid responding to responses, but you've sucked me in.

You assume Isabelle's suggestions are based on rules. I think they're based on improving your poem.

"Perhaps you come from a hemmed in place, but I do not.  I respect your place."

What about that statement is respectful? Egotistical perhaps.

"“She bleeds blood” is a throwback in farce to a time in my youth, surrounded by friends, who would make redundancies as such, and laugh.  Laughter is a good thing."

Facinating. Too bad none of that is in your poem. The reader doesn't have your journal.

"The trees spoke in a tongue that I was unfamiliar with, and yet I felt like I understood in a way that babies understand lightning, or worms do to wood."

When you find you need to explain your poem to the reader after they've read it, you need to rethink your decisions.
 — rocket

Where are you haxxen
 — unknown

We all have our ideas rocket.  point taken.  Now fuck off.  :)
 — Haxxen

2011 most used poetic phrase: "in degrees". you win big prize. and one small pretzel for mankind. (runner . ..  up is Billy Coolins)
 — unknown

^^ shut up poodle.  :P
 — Haxxen

Notice it was written in 2010.  wow.. imma trailblazer.  :S
 — Haxxen

1-4 are great. the internal rhyme is fantastic.

speaking in tongues isn't up to the par set by the opening. very ordinary, lazy i think.

dancing is fairly common, too. sort of poetry 101ish.

i like speaking in teeth. a lot.

i like 11 and 12 not sure about 9 and 10.

Needs some work but good start.
 — noodleman

^'Writers' who think they're poets want to delete 'ordinary and common words'. All words have their use. None are throwaways. 'Common' ? All is uncommon AND common for the poet's use. Noodleman, the limits you put on this poem keep you from reading it. Read with your gut, not your data.
 — unknown

LOVE this!!!!  L2 is so menstrual to me!  I could be wrong, but that's the image I'm getting.  Strong, feminine, independent, etc... My favorite is L4.  I got this thing for trees.  Can't help it.  They're beautiful and peaceful creatures.  Dont see THEM blowing each other up, DO ya?  Gorgeous piece of work.  :-)
 — starr

I cannot believe this is the highest rated poem.
 — unknown

^You must not like good poetry then.
 — unknown

Fuck you and your 1!  :)
 — Haxxen

Noodle, Ty for visiting.

Agree with dancing as poetry 101, but cannot bring myself to change it. Although I agree i see fit to leave that cliche where it is, like many a deltan musician has in their "Boom Boom Boom Boom".  Anything beside the original take would be "posturing"... but I DO agree.
 — Haxxen

what the hell does this mean............there's no meaning here.
sin/faith/she bleeds blood/speaking in tongues...................
what are u getting at??? This is not poetry at all....try reading the bible.

and then come back with something.
 — unknown

^the bible? lol
 — unknown

"I've read the bible, and I've read Dylan.... But I'm reading people now, because it's much more chilling."
 — Haxxen

O you "fragile eggshell minds."..
 — Seditswing

One more thing: 1." Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness."
            ;          &nbs p;   2. "Nature has its' own religion. "
            ;          &nbs p;   3. "Gospel from the land."
Remember what our friend Eddie said. I think he confirms what you wrote.
 — unknown

The first two lines are my absolute favourite. I'm interested by "dying", not "dead", so still alive...hm.
 — Atausiq

And I love the ironic tone of "bleeds blood". I love irony in poetry. It makes it that much sweeter.
 — Atausiq

See now, I thought this was about the Earth, the fish die-offs around the world...maybe an earthy goddess soul expressing on behalf of Gaia.  I only read the comments once so, knowing how to erase pretty quickly my short term memory, I'll go do that now and favourite it, seeing what I want to see and feeling my initial, powerful response a little later.

Thanks :)
 — CervusWright

"I'm interested by "dying", not "dead", so still alive...hm."

So glad you caught that Ata.

I so want to say what this poem really means.

These are only words though. Words that seemed profound in a moment that no one outside of 2 could fully know, and so, only words.
 — Haxxen

this poem is saying something. i like how this poem starts off by saying something. yes. it does and then it gets going and as it gets going it gets to slowing. till bout the punch in line 10-11 at which point it drops the ball with poetic cliche ("in degrees" with a slight twist on the idiomatic expression, albeit. so unless your a poet lorryeat pullitzer pulling bull fighting prizer . ..  a la b.c. . . . then one might consider laying off the telling. Just kidding of course. this message brought to you by Phizer the pide Keizer.)
 — unknown

quippy and wonderful. So well crafted.
 — PaleHorse

I enjoyed this very much. I like to step right into the middle of a thought and watch it grow. I found that the break between bleeds and blood refined the idea rather than made it redundant. The only thing I might add is "with teeth" in line 7 as to differentiate it from speaking in tongues and making a more powerful jump from tissue to bone.

Although the title at first glance may appear mundane it lets the reader know (I think) that she is nature and has been personified. I think of it as a sign post title.

This is a short and gritty poem that works well from my perspective.
 — Io

This is smelly
 — unknown

  There are many picks available for getting an education these days,you can buy term paper or buy research papers which is useful news for those who have not yet  mastered. sincerely, essays writing is not an easy article so try make right determination between composing on yor own or to buy essays about this post. Maybe you need help with unusual research , maybe you want help in producing a fresh perspective on a assignment that is vast and complex.
 — unknown

this starts off really well then peters out 8-11 thanks!
 — unknown

blood that smells like dying salmon. How unerring such a demeaning description of a human being. Why ?
 — unknown

^^You find nature demeaning?  Are you ashamed of our natural cycles?  Oh, how the puritans have wronged thee.
 — Haxxen

Re: 8-11, I kind of agree unk, not sure how to strengthen, but ty for crit.  "KIND OF" agree I said. :)
 — Haxxen

this has fantastic prospects at the start and then it sircomes to cliche free fall.

ie: lines 8-11 are poetic filler

tell us what you really mean!!
 — unknown

What I mean is, the nature of nature is not absolute.  no good or evil, no right or wrong.  These are constructs of "man".  Nature though, moves in degrees of our construct.  If we kill, we are "bad".  If we steal, we are "bad".  If we fuck, we are "bad".  When nature (flora or fauna) kills to protect, or steals to eat, or fucks to reproduce or for pleasure, it's just nature. Sin is hard to judge in their case.  

Try reading "The Demonic Male".  Its about apes an' shit.  

But thanks for pointing out the fact that I am not making the point clear enough.  will look at a re-write.
 — Haxxen

btw, it's "succumbs".
 — Haxxen

this is beautiful i thought
 — AlexJose

This is the perfect kind of dark.
 — Infrangible

Imagine camping with a witch, who didnt know you knew what she was doing.  :)

Call me a Lucifer.  (not that kind of lucifer.  look it up xtians.)
 — Haxxen

LOL


hehe

ridickulous. troutfully so.
 — Clara

Lovely.
 — unknown

fantastic
 — rivergood

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 — unknown

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