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Mirror Flame

I want to die
because of the secret love that
burns inside me
out of instinct
like bitter weathered ruins
the silent love, gilded by heaven itself
given to me by an angel's touch,
by that wicked serpent, Cupid,
and all his arrows of mad design
shaped and molded
by a higher purpose of alchemy;
resurrected out of the shadows
of my tears, scented myrrh and frankincense
Time trembled in that moment
I was reborn inside of primal things
and given to you-
The anguish and the ache for you
is a tempest which carves my patience
knowing you're alone but that we're
blinded and apart.

21 Aug 10

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 — unknown

 — jenakajoffer

suggestion for line 2:
take out 'because'
change 'the' to 'this'

just a thought,
lovely poem.
 — jenakajoffer


this is good
 — psychofemale

thank you so much for the comments
 — unknown

A little too sweet.  You all are emotion without telling us much.  Love should not hurt this much if it's real and you were given by a 'higher purpose.'  It just seems to me that you could go in a direction of action rather than emotion if you want to be clear.

Why is it secret?  You have to decide what did this - Cupid, alchemy, instinct, heaven, an angel's touch, a serpent (Cupid is not a serpent), shadows, time...do you see how too much dilutes the power of this?

You could give the reader much more, show us why you are separated, what does the blindness mean, things you know but we don't.  Good luck.
 — Isabelle5

You're always so rational, Isabelle. Poetry does not have to be rational. Cupid isn't a serpent? I guess you not too familiar with mythology and have never read Psyche and Cupid..
 — unknown