the wind was ripe with death-
ground filled with shadows
I smiled at the thought
of burning bones, spitting
them out in the meadow.
the air around me, hallowed-
shallow graves littered
the blood-rich soil
I soared above
like an ominous cloud
drawn to the monarch's scorn
his sword drawn,
I swooped down and blew fire
till flesh melted
to the ground
I flew away on imperial wings
powdered the field
with ashes of kings
26 Aug 10
Rated 9.7 (9.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9
Inactive (4): 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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and i? i fukin fell alseep haffway thru this. sorry. im a bitch. and my name aint meredith.
I can see the action in my head and smell a bit of brimstone. Imperial wings is good, it sounds like a huge bird in flight.
WOW @ 4 and 5. Fantastic poem as a whole. Only possible crit MIGHT be the use of imperial in 15. Only thing that felt a bit pretentious, but may have been the way I was reading it. Kudos.
hey thanks Haxxen. I had 'wounded' there on 15 but wasn't completely happy with it. I thought 'imperial' would be a better fit with the king/dragon theme. I will give it some more thought though. I appreciate it..
Imperial is DEFINATELY better than wounded.
you're right Haxxen. köszönöm for making this a fave.
The view's not lofty--more like how the dragon thinks he is seen from below. I want to see this from above--riding on his back.
Your creativity here seems to be expended in adjectives. Consider putting more into your verbs: you've opened with the passive "was" and used "I flew" twice.
Without a meaningful and readily available metaphor, this seems like ekphrasis on a comic book. I often see metaphor even when none is intended, but I can't get focused enough to see one here.
I see what you mean for the most part. Do you think this might read better in 3rd person? Also, I can see where you may not see metaphor as there is none really. It's more speculative. I did change line 9? Better? Thanks again.
he as opposed to I ?
L16 I prefer "imperious" to imperial wings and I wouldn't have used "his" three times in such close succession between L11 & 14 - but this is still one gutsy write.
Best ~ Abra
many thanks Abra for reading and insight. I like 'imperious' too but it would change the meaning of that line. I'll give it some more thought. not sure what to do about the 'his' sitch but I do see what you mean...gracias
maybe ditch the second 'the' in L2
L5, perhaps just 'spitting them in the meadow'
L6 is just off a titch, not sure if it's just wordy (maybe it's mentioning 'air' again)?
cool last strophe, I like that. I am not partial to 'away' as fly away is fairy-ish,
I flew on imperial wings, would rock. just my opinion.
nicely done. and great title too.
thankx for checking this out Estella. made a few changes. Got to keep 'out' in line 5 though. Will have to give 'away' in 16 some more thought too.
rawr as in roar?
webby, epic and dark and lofty you are
thanks for looking AP. melikes your adjectives.