i want to fuck
who fucks that matter
between my ears
who fucks the blood
in a hell of a rush
when i scream
fucker fuck me
31 Aug 10
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If you're gonna do Oxy's, y'might wanna learn how 2 spell it, don't u agree? I like this. It's raw, it's honest and it boasts "street" creds. My only issue is in L6. No one is gonna know what "hella" means unless they, too, are up on the "street" tip with ya. Y'feel me? That whole line needs 2b rewritten. "Of hella of a rush" doesn't make sense at all. I THINK what you're tryin' 2 say is "IN a hella rush." Again, this is very raw and may offend some, however, from a writing standpoint, it comes from the heart and that's what's important here. Fix datt LINE, bruh! :-)
Oxycontin. < :-)
Afterthought: It's still crucial that your writing makes sense to others, or others are not gonna understand where you're comin' from. Your writing voice should be as cohesive as your speaking voice. Hope all of this is helpful 2u. :-)
the last line, with the comma at 'scream', reads that you want to fuck the fucker when you scream. and, the power of this is that it's all happening simultaneously and even when you don't scream, and in a blink.
do you want to end the piece by saying, 'fucker fuck me', or do you want to end it with *when i scream 'fucker fuck me'?
both are real, but the equivalent of a period after 'scream', or no punctuation at all, would leave the last line as outside of narrative and real-time. no punctuation mark, and using the line-space as a pauser, seems strong...? but, really, i'm not sure what the comma is for.
You get the same feeling from od'ing on sleeping pills and then not giving in to the drowsiness. This is exactly how I would have written this if I were writing that feeling.
Did you mean 'of a hell of a rush' in line 6? The scream is silent, you only think you're making a sound.
It needs more work and it also needs coherence. The idea and the reality of it are excellent, of course, but it's not presenting as such as it stands.
I must admit I thought you meant oxycontin, but after Googling I see that the drug you cite is quite different. So if I didn't even know that, I'm not likely to enjoy the raw rant you treat us to. And being so out of the loop, the fuck fucker fucks is going to seem a bit gratuitous to me. All I can do here is admit that I don't have a clue as to where you are coming from. I don't hear the music.
um, haven't you gotten into the wording as a kind of mantra for that experience though, because you can't really believe that just hearing about some experience is the same as living that experience. but, a poet inspired by something this striking can reflect the experience in writing -- it's not a drug experience, it's a poetry experience then, and far beyond just hearing a story. read it out-loud and find the poet in it.
woah! i never thought of this much critic but i would like to emphasize on oxytocin. i'm pertaining to the hormone (not the drug) and usually it's called the cuddle hormone. english is only my second language -- starr is right on consistency on the voice and i have to improve more on grammar. prepositions are my waterloo. however let me point out that nicole blackman is one of my great influence. bmikebauer made me smile that he gets my drift. he sees that soul in my writing that should be done in spoken words.
but i really appreciate those who commented and gave their critics.
so what came first
the cuddle or the fuck?
@Estella ever tried reading a poem in bed for a foreplay?
it's on the list, bo. ;)
If I comment, Mike, you may be quite sure that I've read aloud first.
Reads better now, bohemian.
so what came first
the cuddle or the fuck?
the cuddle was the prescribed two minute foreplay
according to the latest edition of sex manners for men.
it's now been whittled down to: wham tks mam
lol. well fuck.
I'm not sure how this makes me feel.
I think, in poetry, it's best to use profanity sparsely
because of the power it wields.
2 f-bombs in the first stanza seems a bit overkill....then 3 more dropped in such a short piece really just zaps the fucking power from the fuck word. ya know?
I'm not saying I don't like this.....I'm just saying that consulting a thesaurus in an attempt to expand your lexicon would probably be a good thing.
what is profanity, if it's in a poem? doesn't it become purified into emotion and expression? if poetry is, what, a motto to hang over the fireplace, then maybe the home needs a better family, not a better poem.
Any word overused loses it's potency, whether in poem, fiction or life.
Oxytocin! YOU JUST TAUGHT ME somethin'! LOL! Interesting and yes, reads much better now!
i want to screw / that fucker / who fills that matter / between my ears / who boils the blood / in a hell of a rush / when i scream / fuck me
No, it's not the reader that decides.
it's the poet who invents the language of the poem,and just because this looks like the word 'fuck' which you know, doesn't mean that that's the way the poet intends it to look. that's a reality -- y'all are so into your subjective cliche that you think a poem has to be written for you, but nothing is really written for you except your pay-check.
That's just blah blah from you Mike. The writer reads the poem, and decides for themselves maybe, but they do not create the decisions for the poem. That's the poet who does that. This is why you are not a good poet.
I meant ' The reader reads the poem' ... etc
if the writer doesn't give the content to the reader, what can the reader see on the page?
read my edit.
the reader would only see a blank page. to say the reader determines the content and meaning of a poem is to say that the reader writes the poem for himself and finds it accidentally in the work of someone else. logically, it takes something to cause a sensation, and if the something doesn't act in some way, then there won't be a sensation at all.
the reader looks at these words and makes associations and connections -- puts the thing together, yes... but, what are the original things? the letters of the alphabet? the words and phrases? or the things projected by the phrases.
only nothing comes from nothing, and, if the reader is the creator of the poem, then the poem is created from the reader's pre-conception of what a poem is and what it should contain.
and, if the reader reads the poem, why do you always delete your poems when a reader shows you how she read it?
hmm, what to say..
Regardless of what you say, Mike, the reader still does not decide the poem, nor the content of it. The poet does. Even if it is in response to a readers input.
actually, that's what i'm writing here -- that the poet decides the poem, and any reading of the reader is preliminary, even after the 15th reading or so. you don't make the poem have the right meaning, the poem holds the right meaning. it's like in 'red shoes', where vicky says 'the music's too fast!!', and julian replies, 'it's just right', and mischa says, 'of course!'... and, as lermontov says, 'nothing matters but the music'... and, this is for ballet. and, for us, nothing matters in a poem but the music.
there's something called a 'tree', and not even a subjectivist would say that the tree is a tree and not a plant in a forest or a cabinet or bassoon. there is no one thing, but you still only find the tree looking and being a tree as it became and will become.
You miss one very vital point though Mike, that the poet and the reader can be, and often are, the same thing.
There is no need for an audience for it to be a poem.
yes, but when you're in writing space, where you have intimacy with wording and with symbolizing, you're simply creative, not reading or writing. and, after, after it's down, you read it to edit -- to see what it's going to read like to yourself and others -- and, that's not the same as blind reading of a new poem.
i think the strongest argument for quality here is that a poem should be read out-loud at least once and read many times. if the poem's worth it, it's worth reading. if it's not worth that much, then a 'this is nice/bad' isn't worth anything at all.
I agree with the quality of the poem is in the reading of it out loud, but you must not make the assumption, as you do, that people don't do this.
I do it for every poem I 'read'.
You try to challenge us, Mike, but we are not face to face, you do not know what you are seeing, and by making such assumptions you immediately disable the conversation.
i've seen so many people admit that they don't read a poem outloud and don't need to. i've also been at writers workshops where i've had the harsh culture-critic read the poem out loud to the group so that they'd find the poem. they do... if starr or you had to read my work outloud you'd find the poetry -- you, because you like music, and starr because he's a poet and would intuit what i was doing as he read it.
this has been educational and entertaining. thank you for the comments.
one very good reason to assume that people don't read a poem out-loud is that i've talked with hundreds of poets and most of them read in an airy-cosmos arty way to try to be poetic. all they'd have to do is just slow down and walk across the stream, instead of trying to walk on water. anyone who's actually had experience in poetry workshops knows the play beginners want to play: 'cosmic genius poet, sort of... unless you try to make them explain their writing, then it's 'i'm just a beginner, don't hurt me!!'. why would anyone want to hurt a kid?
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