|In circles, for real
my waking life is in deep slumber
I would have wanted to dream
but when I woke remembering
I hardly grasped -
what could be ours, so vivid
in a flash.
awaken, for real
I have to ask myself, but
I am too deep in slumber
-- the cycle begins.
Inspired after watching 'Waking Life' about 6 years ago.
8 Sep 10
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Something isn't right in this. You aren't really saying anything to someone reading this.
'last night' isn't really helpful to the poem, though it's a factual. i think taking it out would help 'i yearned to grasp', which is pretty 'ham' and allow something more direct... but when i woke from a dream, i took what could be ours, so vivid in a flash, as a dream...
which is ramona, but sort of more lyrical.
tnx for yours words..i appreciate it really..:)
made revision & considered suggestions. however, line4 is left untouched to give emphasis on the 'dream state'. tnx ;)
there's too many extra syllables on |4.
i think mike's 'i grasped what could be ours,
so vivid in a flash' would fix it.
tnx for bug fixing..tnx fractalcore ;)
mike, u think this is quite right already? i'm not too sure w/ the punctuations esp. periods. basically changed L3&4. tnx :)
Much of the syntax here is completely off. I suggest a return to the drawing board?