poetry critical

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Rage beyond the grave
section4

Cruise beyond
 1
open history books
 2
into my cautious
 3
mystery looks
 4
at our beginnings
 5
and soon to be
 6
happily ever afters;
 7
Forever we frolic in
 8
graves with cinder
 9
Ellas and molten wax.
 10
 
 
They start with 'my'
 11
and end with
 12
'oh! God why?'
 13
Kneel before the one;
 14
son of matrix-
 15
bald son of gun;
 16
Shiny red faces
 17
claiming ultimate
 18
wisdom flowing bright
 19
yellow onto my own
 20
burning white sun.
 21
 
 
It makes no sense
 22
except for the chosen,
 23
We speak slowly
 24
to realise that
 25
our words sound better
 26
high pitched
 27
and frenzy driven;
 28
pseudo sum ciao.
 29
 
 
 
 
We started with a bang
 30
and vowed to end
 31
it all in silence,
 32
Misconceptions about
 33
each other flow
 34
as nirvana is reached
 35
on both sides,
 36
My lies were your lies
 37
as war rages on above us.
 38
 
 
Today,
 39
hands etch
 40
question marks
 41
into immortal
 42
sands.
 43

15 Sep 10

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Comments:

Mmm, a tasty piece.  Line 1 is a bit off-putting, 13-14 as well in the same vein, kind of a jumble of words and I'm not sure what you're getting at.  I'd like to hear more about the misconceptions in 31.  Otherwise this is quite a nice write-up, but I think it needs to be expanded on.
 — technomancer

Thanks technomancer. This was meant to be sort of an 'open to interpretation' piece. It's supposed to work on two levels about issues that people are most passionate about; relationships and religion. Give it another read and tell me if it still works? It's still a work in progress so I might be making some changes. Thanks again.
 — section4

Really nice poem, I will write again on it later.  nice work, lovely ending.
 — Estella

Thanks Estella, I'm glad you liked it.
 — section4

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