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mantis
lalita

The praying mantis
 1
clinging to my window screen
 2
waiting for a sign
 3

Thank you for the additional comments, oldshoe, so like the haiku included in your feedback. For some reason I am attracted to the 5-7-5 format.... realizing that I can go out of boundaries. I have an affinity for the praying mantis, they every so often are on my door screens or in my path close to my door. Their timely appearance hold deep personal symbolism for me. Never seen one hatching, so just now viewed on utube, v. cool.OKAY, FIXED THE CAP'S EVERYONE ;)

17 Sep 10

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Comments:

i enjoy the imagery in this so much,
and the last line serves as a really
apt finishing touch for the 5-7-5
structure.

works as a haiku loop/mantra for me.
thanks.

; )
 — fractalcore

Capitalization - Not sure why every word is capitalized here.

Spacing - Why the strange spacing at the beginning of each line? I think it would read off better simply being left-aligned.

Punctuation - could use some, even if it were just a period at the end. I feel like there should be a comma at the end of l2 as well, though.

l2 - I would change "window's screen" to "window screen".

Otherwise, nice little piece.
 — Inuki

Thanks for your input .... I will take into consideration your critiques for future ones I post.
I've never seen punctuation in Haiku Poetry before.
 — lalita

on a side note, i think mike bauer has a piece
called 'mantis', too. anyway, i was just reminded
of it after reading this.

your formatting or caps doesn't bother me much
really, but Inuki's suggestion for 'window screen'
is not bad at all.

: )
 — fractalcore

Yes, I also agree that using Window rather than Windows is a better choice. Thanks!
 — lalita

Lose the caps, left adjust... and fuck punctuation.

I'd adjust more, but that is me.  I don't stick to 5-7-5 structure forcefully as I feel a line in such form, needs to have the freedom to do with itself, what it wills.
 — OldShoe

But sometimes, that is just the difference between me and others.  And it is not always the case.  But sometimes... sometimes... I wait for the line to find its own course, rather than plot a course out for it.  Writing can have it's own damn intention, outside of the hand that carries it across.  

leaf in a birdbath
the cardinal dips its head
preens his autumn plume
 — OldShoe

Have you ever witnessed a mantis ootheca hatching?

It is quite a site to see.  We found them quite often in the fields where I grew up, and occasionally, witnessed the arrival of a new brood.
 — OldShoe

The praying mantis is my favorite of all the insects. Such an interesting bug. If I spot one, I holler at the kids to come see. We don't see them often.

I love this write. But I would not capatalise all the words.
 — mandolyn

Just about right - small, neat and packaged nicely.
 — Isabelle5

You might consider changing that last line to 'giving me a sign.'  

Please also fix this so that not every word is capped, that does detract from the haiku image of this for me.  Haiku is minimalist, all caps is not.
 — Isabelle5

The praying mantis
clings onto my window screen
waiting for a sign

What think?
 — technomancer

I do like your 'clings onto my window screen' Thanks.
 — lalita

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