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OMphaloskepsis
fractalcore

light, after all,
 1
is a sun off a beach,
 2
 
 
a free ride for each
 3
stone skipping beats
 4
towards thee.
 5




OMphaloskepsis

http://a.yfrog.com/img208/3987/fg.jpg
http://a.yfrog.com/img109/7468/aj.jpg
http://a.yfrog.com/img163/350/44.jpg

[ photos of/by Diana Jiganie ]



written for Diana Jiganie, my nisetru,
bestest friend & soulmate.

i love you eternally.

---{@


      ____
     __/__
       /\
     /   \
fractalcore
     : )

18 Sep 10

Rated 10 (7.1) by 4 users.
Active (4):
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(205 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

thank you for the kindness, unknown visitors. any suggestions to make this better?

~ author
 — unknown

No, I think it's tiny brilliance.
:)
 — mandolyn

for real?
 — unknown

fo shizzle
 — mandolyn

again, 2nd line is appealing..;)
 — softyetharsh

sorry, i didn't hear you the first time, softyetharsh, but thank you nonetheless. are the other lines working for you?

~ author
 — unknown

i was just talking to myself, unk..i feel some kind of hanging somewhere..;)
 — softyetharsh

you'll have to be specific about 'some kind of hanging', softyetharsh. please tel me what's wrong with this.

thanks.

~ author
 — unknown

..hanging but rereading makes it sound right. dunno if 'thee' has something to do w/ it..btw, i'm skeptic w/ ompaho but this is really very good title ;)
 — softyetharsh

...ooops...omphalo.
 — softyetharsh

This is a cute little masterpiece of word and sound.
 — technomancer

interesting.
 — RGJohnson

thank you
 — unknown

This is good; it says a lot in just a few lines which isn't easy to do. I appreciate the brevity very much. Thanks for sharing :)
 — RhymeTime

thank you, RhymeTime.
 — unknown

"a sun" ? or "the sun" ?

which scans better you ?
 — jharrison

humm, this is pretty awkward. 'after all' just isn't part of the word-universe as the word 'light', and it drags it into cute and obvious writing.

i see where you want to use rhythm in this to create a poem. the wording is still too commercial-use wording to make it as light as maybe it could be.
 — bmikebauer

you don't need me to tell you why this works ;)
 — unknown

i prefer 'a sun', jharrison, but thank you.
 — unknown

bmikebauer, will this work for you:


light is
a sun of a beach,

a free ride for each
stone skipping beats
towards thee.


or perhaps you can show me your own version?
thanks.
 — fractalcore

; )
 — fractalcore

unk,

what works for you there?
; )
 — fractalcore

Personally, I like the "after-all"; it adds whimsy and makes it feel more carefree, But that's just an opinion, which can be compared to certain anatomy :)
 — RhymeTime

um, the words progress with a pensive ease?
 — unknown

light
falls
into my eyes,

like rubbing
dandelions
on your
cute nose.
 — bmikebauer

... forever voyaging, the heart our compass, always going OM
 — unknown

that's odd, I'm logged in and it signs unk... AlchemiA here ^^^
 — AlchemiA

OMphaloskepsis

http://a.yfrog.com /img208/3987/fg.jpg
http://a.yfrog.com /img109/7468/aj.jpg
http://a.yfrog.com/ img163/350/44.jpg

[ all photos of/by Diana Jiganie ]

: )
 — fractalcore

i remember when you used to write
before drugs
now you're eternally
trapped in the same sphere.
 — unknown

romance in the air?
 — unknown

The second line might work a tad better if it was the sun as opposed to a sun.
 — muherrera

thanks
 — unknown

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